When does "it" happen to me?

god, i try so hard to keep up the positive energy
then sometimes, like today the negativity sucks me under. I feel overwhelmed. like hopeless. sitting here feeling like the U2 song- 'though we are screaming inside , we can't be heard'.
Why do i care that k is now gonna make $400k . well, let's back up here. i'm doing it again. it's the same story- he says he's gonna be rich. this is 'the one'. and then it doesn't happen. and i always believe it and get on a big bus. seems like a sure thing this time. and really, i mean, it's not like it was free. handed to him. he's had to crawl up the ass of the biggest prick alive for YEARS to get this. 3 yrs now i think. done shit for free, watched his cat, picked up his housekeeper at 6 am while he was on vacation, babysat his cable man, hung pictures, watered plants, built decks, etc. etc. a bunch of demeaning shit. so who cares? why does that effect ME? i wouldn't have done all that.

why do i get upset when other people around me get shit that i want? maybe because it seems out of my reach. seems like some evil universal force is just fucking with me to see how much i can take. dangling shit in front of me like carrots. stuff i can never have. let's see how many of your friends can have happy relationships all around you. let's take the ONE thing you want more than anything in the world ever. and let's have that be something you can NEVER have. oh wait, better yet. let's show it to you all over the fucking place. so that you see what you're missing on a continual basis. great.
and money. GOD money. what is the deal here? jesus. i'm not greedy. i just want some luxuries ya know. a massage once in a while would be nice. trips that i can pay for. $100,000k a year would be good. something i like? is that impossible?

what's the deal w/ k tho? he calls me to tell me he's getting this big job. and i feel like shit. why does that translate?
is it that i got the shit for YEARS!? scraping dimes out of the couch. inviting him to do things and him lashing out at me cuz he was broke and couldn't afford to, and was taking it out on me? how many times did i sit at home and wait for him while he was running off somewhere? yet his ex got taken to 4 star hotels, restaurants, and trips. i got shit. and his life was full of money b4 me and after me as well. so how is that fair? i swear, here's the ugly truth- i was glad that he got a $75,000 penalty. ha. i guess i thought he deserved it. it's not fair that he finds himself out of it and prospers no less, in less than a year.

gotta get back to well, we know.
later