Money sucks

unexpected expenses in the past year, hello?

new tires- $242.5
car reg $123
vet $312
vet $93.5
pet insurance $147
doctor $123.5
mammogram / sonogram $687
medical bills from last year's mammo/sonogram $275.4
healer $530
naturopath $202.39
thermogram $300
colon hydrotherapy for ibs $160

TOTAL- $3196.29

that's $365 for my car and the rest are medical -between me and peanut. how can anyone afford to be sick?
which brings me back to the message of the week- insurance sucks!!!!

fucking ridiculous. looking back at that, it is astounding that i'm only about $650 short of my money goal!
well, i'm glad i am almost at my goal. but gotta change the money karma- and fast!!!

Reflection

So here i sit, in the shadow of the trip of a lifetime.
after 4 days of running around like crazy ( yesterday i went to 9 places- how did i think i was gonna work this week), i can finally relax a bit. 5 days and then i leave.

it wasn't supposed to go down this way- with getting fired and having a lousey test result.
hate having this hanging over my head. i'm reading a wonderful book called "love, medicine and miracles". the premise is that you can cure cancer with your mind. yet even he doesn't recommend declining western medical care. am i insane?
he says there's a message the illness brings; a purpose it serves. a reason for it.
and after thinking a bit, i realized the reason or message would be from my body and spirit, 'hey! we can't do this anymore. we can't keep getting up every morning to a life we hate. it has to stop.' subconsciously it was like, i hate my life, but i don't know how to change it and still feed myself. thus the out-of-control feeling. the fear and emptiness.

i hate working for someone else, being in situations were i am disrespected, walked on, or otherwise treated like shit. i hate going to a job i hate, being around assholes all day, being told where to be when, sitting behind a desk, having no control over anything, having to sit there even when my work is done, having to excuse myself to go to dentist's appointments, etc. i don't like office work, dressing up, commutes, political alliances, sucking up or working for goals i don't support. that all has to stop. i have too much intelligence, passion, ideals and energy to be stuck in an underling position, taking orders from someone less intelligent than me. enough w/ the peon position. i always put myself in deference to others, like i'm the employee, the student, the lesser- like i have to be taken care of. (probably because i never was, but i digress). i give my power away. people my own age are running companies, starting their own businesses, being mothers. i have this idea in my head that only old white men can run companies or be the boss. at any rate, basically what i despise, is office environments and working for someone else, but i haven't a clue how to eliminate that from my life and still feed myself, much less thrive. so i feel powerless to suck it up and take it. would be better if i had a clue of what business or profession i wanted to dedicate myself to. i don't . all i know is i don't / can't be an employee anymore. so i feel helpless. partly because of fear- of risk and lack of confidence, partly because of lack of direction.

but i knew that those environments were sucking the life out of me. and maybe this is my body telling me how serious it is, and how necessary a change is. still leaves me with the question of how.

Prison Break

I am a free woman. free from the shackles of a J-O-B.
somehow still feel chained by the resentment i have for how ugly that whole scene went down. it's inconceivable to me.
i would've been loving it if i had quit. but i had to deal with the embarrassment of being the only one i know of that my boss ever fired. and to realize that it was my arch- enemy, satan, who was behind it.

he's completely incompetent. and knowing that my boss knew it, he turned up the charm, and as usual, blamed all his mistakes on other people. i know between him and lucy-fur , they've been telling the boss what a hateful, incompetent person i am for years. but i always thought that my work would stand on its own. my collection numbers are written in fact. their lies are only gossip. i never believed for a second that he would fire one of his most competent, versatile employees. then to sell me some bullshit story that this lady 'found him' and pestered him for a job, when it was really satan who brought her in. to fire me when all i've done is make him money and keep satan, who has cost him tens of thousands- literally..... inconceivable. to throw out a performing employee and replace her w/ someone from outside the company; it's unheard of- especially for him. usually once you have a job there, no one else gets it until your gone. then to lie to me further about it being all in the name of money... i feel SOOO thrown out, tossed aside, disrespected. then worst of all was when everyone knew about it and no one said anything to me. no one cared. jesus. what a bad feeling. completely disrespectful and disempowering. i'm reeling still. and it's been 2 weeks. i am SOOOO pissed.

what is it with me that i don't see how awful the situations i'm in until they become this heinous and then i'm scared for life?
i knew i had problems with satan and lucy-fur, but i always thought the boss knew i did a good job, and that whenever i left, it would be on good terms. i didn't see this coming and feel completely blindsided.

wednesday i went in and lucy-fur had given me my paycheck minus $700. so when i came back in at quarter to 6 to beat the rest of it out of her, she was on the phone to the boss, trying to dock my pay because i wasn't there x and y. nevermind that she wasn't either, so she was totally making shit up. that was the last straw. to be nasty in response to nastiness is one thing. to go wildly out of your way to be hateful for no particular reason is a whole 'nother kind of evil that i will not subject myself to for one more second again. EVER. and that's synonymous of how i've been treated there the whole time.

and if that wasn't even evil to clear out of my system in a week's time, there's the fact that i should've been cleared medically by now to go on my trip. instead i've been issued my little nightgown and been told by the medical profession that i must let them hack me all to pieces to see if i have cancer. sit around in cold, empty, flourescant rooms, be butchered, maybe poisoned and subject to whatever mutilation they suggest. i didn't even get free of my cage, and i get shuffled right into another. so help me god, ALL i want in this life is to feel like ONE single fucking thing is under MY control. like i have a choice or a say in what goes on in my life. all my life i've been told what to do, where to go, who to be. and i'm DONE.
sitting here in this soured city, playing the little possible cancer patient when all i wanted to do is travel is going to nothing but make me PISSED, because it's yet another thing i wanted that i can't have. and this one that i worked my ass off for and sacrificed a year of my life for. you're telling me i'm 10 yards away from the finish line, the reward, and you're gonna pluck me off the track? THE FUCK YOU SAY. ain't goin' down that way. if i don't have any control over anything in my life, then what is there to fight for? really.

so i'm going. but it's a very bittersweet moment. what should've been a glorious, joy filled, elated, feeling of freedom which comes from being completely unburdened , is now resentment, worry, and intrepidation. now instead of having the support of everyone in my life (with the notable exception of my mother), i have only the encouragement of my healer. EVERYONE else tells me that i "should" stay or at the very best, "do what you need to do, but if it were me, i would do what the doctors say". so now i have to hide this or lie about it to everyone, knowing that they wouldn't support me in going if they knew what i was really up against. now again, it's just me swimming upstream against the masses. and i'm pissed that this is the way it's going down. how do i get rid of this ugly energy?

Will Firefly ever fly free?

today's mammo was supposed to just be a quick check, all clear, then i an go w/ my mind at ease.
i've been soaking in epson salts with peroxide,
taking numerous supplements
staying away from sugar and coffee
putting castor oil packs on....

yet it was all fucked up.
recommendation- surgical biopsy.
2 fucking weeks before my plane takes off?
what the bloody fuck?

why can't i just go like every other person who gets the notion in her head to travel?
why does it have to be so hard? why does it feel like such a fight? why does there have to be all this drama?
why did i have to get fired when i was going to quit anyway?
why did my son have to get sick? why all this medical drama?

if the shaman was right, as i've always suspected, about this being the next step and that there's nothing here for me, then why would something crop up to prevent me from going? doesn't make sense.
is it all just random? like there is no god and no order and nothing is for any reason at all? it just is. just random? i'm starting to think so.

If i had to guess, i'd say this is about fear. this started last april, as i was moving out of my apt. of 6 years- the place i loved, the one i had an unnatural attachment to. all to step into some unknown, to follow the dream that was so terrifying to me, it took me 34 years to even let myself envision it. and then a year of anticipation of it, while in a deteriorating situation at work, living with someone who is my polar opposite in living style. it's been very stressful.

if i had to guess, i'd say this is Virgochild's last card she has to play. 'well, if i can't talk any sense into ya, i can't manipulate you by guilt, then i'll break down your body to keep you here, to keep you safe.'

safe...............
how ridiculous. there really is no such place

i told my friend Ro, that cancer is a disease of resentment. what did i resent tho?
and i realized it's my parents, for creating that virgo child in my head. my mother is in my head. to appease them, i split in 2, creating 2 different personas- the good little girl who plays it safe and conservative, according to their standards, and firefly, the essence of who i really am. find it amazing actually, that i kept my spirit in tact by creating another person.
what i resent them for is the war that's been raging in me all my life, against these 2 forces. i resent them for instilling in me all their bullshit, small minded values, for being so critical and judgemental and unaccepting of me; for trying to control me.
maybe i take that resentment out on my body because i feel like they've been internalized in me.
crazy, far fetched?

all i know is that this whole trip- getting to SA- has felt like a struggle. i feel like if i just get there......
i'll have made it. and to come soooo close?...........
i can't stay here sitting around at the whims of surgeons, like a carved up piece of meat, letting them cut into my body. doctors, hospitals, sterile rooms without windows. then what? where? how to make an income while i'm sitting around waiting. that whole process takes any control out of my hands. i'm again a tree in the wind, waiting for someone else to decide my fate. that's what all this resentment was in the first place- feeling like i have no choice.
i can't see how waiting around for them to cut or poison something out of me, feeling envious and slighted that everyone else gets to travel and i don't, will create any healing.

just seems like this is one last ditch effort to stop me from taking that step into the future, into the unknown.

End of the Innocence

"When happily ever after fails,
and we've been poisoned by these fairy tales....
this is the end of the innnocence"

what amazing lyrics.
i feel like that so fits right now.
let's play along w/ this mid-life crisis reaching the age of 35 thing
and say it all ties in...

so much is the same now since when i was say 16. a few things are very different.
same- the reality around me is so far from where i want to be.
same- i feel ignored, walked on and like i have very little control over anything in my life.
major difference:
i used to believe that people were good. i was so innocent and naive. i thought people were decent, that everyone had a sense of morality and ethics, and that if i came down to it, they would do the right thing. i believed i would meet the man of my dreams and live happily ever after. i believed that if i believed in it enough, i could do anything.

boy, fairy tales die hard. now, when a song or something reminds me of high school, i have this sweet nostalgia. not that things were good then. they weren't. but i miss that innocence. first kisses and warm fuzzies and the eternal hope that people were kind and that i could make a difference in the world; that anyone could. back then, i knew that everything around me sucked, but that as soon as i got free from all those shackles, that i was just gonna soar- leaving all those people in the dust. but instead, i've just created the same miserable scenario over and over again, in different places, with different people, in some infinite loop.

my eyes have been opened to the true reality of people and the world we live in
... that people are not necessarily good at heart. people lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, dominate, blame, defame, step on others to get ahead, compensate for their own inadequacies by making those around them look bad, say one thing and do another, avoid responsibility... they are often harsh, cruel, immature, self-serving, arrogant, subservise, hateful, vengeful, bitter, judgemental, volatile, critical, cold-blooded, disloyal, greedy, unethical, apathetic and callous.

the reality is that justice doesn't always prevail, that assholes who screw people over get rich, while devoted followers of god lose their children to horrible dieases, where doing the right thing doesn't count for much, and competence and loyalty are trumped by manipulation and corporate alliances.

i prefer the innocence, thank you. it may have been a rose colored view of the world. i may have been angry for not getting what i needed from those around me, but i i had hope, and that was infinitely better than the jaded view i have now. granted, i know there is good out there- little pockets of it. and some people manage to live in a world more like the one i believed in as a child- where people are kind and friendly. but MY reality has been more of the ugly.

i just don't know how to survive in that ugly world. i'm much too sensitive for it. i have no tolerance for bullshitting and sucking up to assholes just to keep my job. the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. how can i open up and let anyone know me when people can be such assholes? god, that's why i LOVE animals. there's NONE of that. no evil intentions, no backstabbing or canniving or ulterior motives, or pretending to be your friend just to screw you.
my shell is much too soft for this harsh world. especially for this city- where every man is out for himself. me, me , me.

every now and again, i'll get a glimpse of what life would be like if i could have what i wanted. great, cute, devoted husband, working for myself and loving it, friends, ........and then i turn around and look at where i am, and it seems like pipe dreams. like there's no way to get there from here. i'm trying to get to disneyland, but i'm on mars. like bugs bunny when he got rocketed off to another planet. altho- he found a way home- my hero!

just can't see having this happy life where i have friends and guys are interested in me, and i get along with people and have successful relationships. i used to think x was damaged emotionally beyond repiar, but i think i probably am too.

where to go from here?
it's been the shittiest few weeks. poison energy. wrestling demons. vet bills, doctor bills, illness that won't leave, getting fired, the ongoing breast saga.........

the thought occured to me today- if i do have a terrible disease, maybe it isn't the worst thing. people say cancer is the 'best thing that ever happened to them' because it's a wake up call. well, fuck all that. for me, maybe it would be a welcome end to a miserable life that isn't going to work anyway. an early "out" from years of suffering ahead; a chance to go to a better place, or to be re-born into a better life. i don't want to live the rest of my life this alone and unhappy. this unknown and unwanted. so while the gods of fate are once again determining my fate, i just hope the end result is either bestowing on me some miracle skills at getting along in this world, or an early end to a life that will always be miserable. while i would SO much prefer A) - a chance of actually achieving happiness on this planet, i can't see how that could possibly come about.
very sobering and sad place to be at right now.
kind of "give up". tired of fighting. just do with me what you will, whoever's in charge, cuz i'm clearly not.

Enough Already!

Hello,
would someone take the fucking pin out of back? i feel like a human vodoo doll, being continually fucked with
Got fired today.
my head is spinning.
everything in the universe seemed to be trying to stop me from going on my trip, and then whamo, the rug here is ripped out from under me. i'm backed into a corner. i hate when i have no control. when my choices are taken away from me.

crazy thing is, i had planned on quitting today. and satan sent me some god-awful venemous email, which i stumbled into, in a total haze of sleeplessness, congestion and june gloom in may. i requested that the boss deal with it as he has done me when i write such "inflammatory" emails. he basically tells me, "you deal with it". so fuck him, i say. he has no respect for me. so why do i need to give him a month notice?

my coworker tells me at 1 pm , that the boss is gone for the day. well, he had one more thing on his list of things to do today before he left: fire me. funny thing is, everytime i get called in, i'm afraid i'm gonna get fired. and he always rolls his eyes at me for it.

this time he really was firing me. i was stunned. in shock. felt at first like, whatever. no problem. the end result is the same; come june 9th, i don't have a job. but whereas quitting would've left me in control, empowered, this leaves me feeling completely disempowered and disrespected. the more time passed, the more pissed off i got.

it's so wrong, up and down and sideways. on so many levels.
me and the production lady and the main sales lady fucking RUN that company. i've given him over 3 and 1/2 years of loyal dedication, of consistent results without him having to ride me or prod me to do so. same with the other 2 gals. and i am the most versatile one there- often pinch hitting for the art department.

2 weeks ago he was offering me some editorial assignments, last week, promising me that "the writing was on the wall", that i would take over lucy-fur's job, offering to send me to accounting classes, sitting down with me to show me how he had it all planned out, that we would make a profit, heaping more and more responsibility on me. and this week, he's like, "see ya".
i mean, what slaps me in the face the most is this: "we can wrap it up now or we can give it 2 weeks". WHAT ????
he's been telling me for YEARS how incompetent lucy-fur is, how he doesn't even like her, how she makes everything a big drama scene, how she fucks everything up, how he has to ride her to get anything done, but that he had loyalty to her.
(why, because he slept with her?) fuck me. yet, when he cut her hours back, he gave her a MONTH notice, (which turned into several) AND found her another job. yet, he's willing to kick my ass on the street with NO notice? meanwhile, leave the books hanging, in the middle of the month? with no training to the new person? what the FUCK???
and i think back. he's given consultant guy a month notice, and social butterfly a month's notice. and kept satan on even though he's shown himself time and again to be belligerant, incapable, and has costing him tens of thousands of dollars in lost revenue. what makes it okay to throw me on my ass in 2 weeks? one of the most productive and versatile employees he has?

i swear the ex is behind this. has to be something personal.
and then to hand me some bullshit line about some lady seeking him out and offering to do my job at 1/2 the price? don't insult my intelligence. i'm too smart and too intuitive to buy such crap. handing me some bullshit story only disrespects me. i deserve more than that. just fucking tell me the truth. whatever it is. adult to adult.

i've never seen the man fire anyone. and we've had some people in there so fucking stupid that they couldn't even figure out to turn on their own computer. and no offer of cutting back my hours, or taking on other job functions. he could've given me lucy-fur's job and saved her salary.

something is "off" here. who does that? who rips someone's job out from under them and kicks them onto the street just because they found someone else cheaper? who does that?
i must've done something to piss him off. seriously. just fucking level with me. don't make me wonder.

2 A.M. and all is Hell

it's 2 am
roommate is snoring
i am coughing
and my son is puking

would somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?
because i give up. REALLY!

all was so on track for my trip. had an amazing session w/ a shaman in feb who set it so clear- this is what i should be doing, everything was great. good energy. momentum. then crash.

peanut throws up twice 2 weeks ago. between running him to the vet, keeping a vigil on him all night, worrying about what was wrong, and doing some extra bookkeeping work for my friend, that whole week was shot, along with my nerves and assurance that this trip was the right thing to do

sunday of last week, i attend a sierra club beach party, and let myself have some fun. had an amazing time.
that night, came down with a sore throat from hell, and spent the ENTIRE last week flat on my ass with this thing- an unwelcome gift from my coworker who's kid caught it at daycare. don't even get me started on that. if i had signed up to be a mother, i might've not minded getting her kid's crap, but i want no part of that whole mother thing.

and this thing has been like the mother fucking plague. i don't remember the last time i was so sick. i can't imagine a child surviving it; by saturday night i was sending out messages to anyone who would listen: "universe, creation, god?? anyone out there? please get me over this thing soon or just kill me right now, because i just can't take it anymore."

my sore throat was so bad, i was wondering if i had mono again, or strep. couldn't even swallow or talk. snot pouring down my throat and out my nose in nasty colors, building up in the corner of my eyes, aching, constant coughing. i woke up this morning and when i opened my eyes, all i could see was a wall of haze until i cleared my eyes.

today, sunday, 7 days into it, i finally feel the slightest bit better, altho my throat still hurts like hell.
i watch gray's anatomy and get so fired up, i can't sleep. i listen to a CD to try to fall asleep. take it off and try to sleep; roommate who has now caught the plague is snoring. put earphones back on and listen to an hour long meditation CD. take it off and fall asleep. wake up coughing violently. prop myself up for another night of sleeping sitting up. finally relax.
NO LESS than 1 minute later, peanut is throwing up again.

MOTHER OF GOD. what? please, could someone come the fuck down here and translate? because, seriously? i haven't a clue.
all i know is i've meandered around my entire adult life searching for something, feeling empty as hell and wondering what it took to feel full or happy. i finally find what i think that is, and push it away in fear. it comes back so strong that i decide to obey this voice, even tho it means leaving absolutely everything behind, including my son, who i absolutely adore.
i spend a year and 4 months in absolute dedication to making this happen- every dime i make, every second of free time, every ounce of energy- literally- is put towards this trip. and it had magical energy. and despite numerous obstacles at first, started a forward momentum flowing.

and then, just like that, hit the wall. my breast issue lingers. Peanut is sick and i don't know why. I am sick. my mother found out and the expected freak-out insued. all that have brought such a nasty, awful energy to this trip. it doesn't even seem like i should go. seems like the universe is doing everything it can to stop me from going. why would it do that? whatever energy or force out there who's doing that is the same one who put the voice in my head to go in the first place. the same one that convinced me to sacrifice an entire year of my life to this cause.

some people decide to travel, and in a few weeks time, they just go. why is it so fucking hard for me to get there? why does there have to be all this drama and emotional turmoil? seems like i'm doing war- all i want to do is go, and every army in the world is fighting me, pulling out every card to stop me from going. i'm sick of it. seems impossible to believe that after wasting over an entire year of my life in dedication to this goal, it may not happen. i guess my test wed will shed some light on the outcome.

On eating bullshit politely

So i got reprimanded yesterday for calling satan an asshole. whatever. ever since, it's like satan knows, and he's been SUPER puky sweet to my coworker sitting next to me. if that isn't sickening enough and a stretch to tolerate, he sends me an email today regarding one of the ads he ran without a credit card, pre-payment or credit application and consequently made no effort to collect. (complete disregard of policy and irresponsible). so after a while, and after me pushing the issue, the boss asked him to give me the contact info, which was like a hotline number or some bullshit. so i sent them a collection letter- 'bout all i could do.

so i get this email from him today- 'i believe the boss asked you to collect this, if you're not going to make any attempt to, let me know because i've been holding off on it. the company needs the money, and so do i.'
now THIS, this is so far above and beyond the call of the amount of bullshit that any one person should be asked to tolerate.
this is such complete HORSESHIT that it makes my head spin. he's got the manipulation skills to sit on his ass, waste the boss' time and money, be completely incompetent at his job, and make it look like i'm the one slackin' off. kudos to him. that's manipulation at its mastery. this guy is a fucking snake. seriously. so passive aggressive. just like lucy-fur and the new girl my boss brought in. that's another story, but jesus.

how much bullshit am i supposed to shovel in? i feel like the boss' message to me is 'let satan do ANYTHING and everything he wants, to you and around you, including : running all his ads for free, lying, manipulating, yelling, swearing and bullying, and you are not to respond in any way, nor do i want to hear about it.' 'just keep your mouth shut and let him do whatever he wants'.

this blog is starting to be THE LOONEY BIN FROM HELL blog
now i've got 2 days to brush this shit out of my psyche before it starts all over