Reflection

So here i sit, in the shadow of the trip of a lifetime.
after 4 days of running around like crazy ( yesterday i went to 9 places- how did i think i was gonna work this week), i can finally relax a bit. 5 days and then i leave.

it wasn't supposed to go down this way- with getting fired and having a lousey test result.
hate having this hanging over my head. i'm reading a wonderful book called "love, medicine and miracles". the premise is that you can cure cancer with your mind. yet even he doesn't recommend declining western medical care. am i insane?
he says there's a message the illness brings; a purpose it serves. a reason for it.
and after thinking a bit, i realized the reason or message would be from my body and spirit, 'hey! we can't do this anymore. we can't keep getting up every morning to a life we hate. it has to stop.' subconsciously it was like, i hate my life, but i don't know how to change it and still feed myself. thus the out-of-control feeling. the fear and emptiness.

i hate working for someone else, being in situations were i am disrespected, walked on, or otherwise treated like shit. i hate going to a job i hate, being around assholes all day, being told where to be when, sitting behind a desk, having no control over anything, having to sit there even when my work is done, having to excuse myself to go to dentist's appointments, etc. i don't like office work, dressing up, commutes, political alliances, sucking up or working for goals i don't support. that all has to stop. i have too much intelligence, passion, ideals and energy to be stuck in an underling position, taking orders from someone less intelligent than me. enough w/ the peon position. i always put myself in deference to others, like i'm the employee, the student, the lesser- like i have to be taken care of. (probably because i never was, but i digress). i give my power away. people my own age are running companies, starting their own businesses, being mothers. i have this idea in my head that only old white men can run companies or be the boss. at any rate, basically what i despise, is office environments and working for someone else, but i haven't a clue how to eliminate that from my life and still feed myself, much less thrive. so i feel powerless to suck it up and take it. would be better if i had a clue of what business or profession i wanted to dedicate myself to. i don't . all i know is i don't / can't be an employee anymore. so i feel helpless. partly because of fear- of risk and lack of confidence, partly because of lack of direction.

but i knew that those environments were sucking the life out of me. and maybe this is my body telling me how serious it is, and how necessary a change is. still leaves me with the question of how.