End of the Innocence

"When happily ever after fails,
and we've been poisoned by these fairy tales....
this is the end of the innnocence"

what amazing lyrics.
i feel like that so fits right now.
let's play along w/ this mid-life crisis reaching the age of 35 thing
and say it all ties in...

so much is the same now since when i was say 16. a few things are very different.
same- the reality around me is so far from where i want to be.
same- i feel ignored, walked on and like i have very little control over anything in my life.
major difference:
i used to believe that people were good. i was so innocent and naive. i thought people were decent, that everyone had a sense of morality and ethics, and that if i came down to it, they would do the right thing. i believed i would meet the man of my dreams and live happily ever after. i believed that if i believed in it enough, i could do anything.

boy, fairy tales die hard. now, when a song or something reminds me of high school, i have this sweet nostalgia. not that things were good then. they weren't. but i miss that innocence. first kisses and warm fuzzies and the eternal hope that people were kind and that i could make a difference in the world; that anyone could. back then, i knew that everything around me sucked, but that as soon as i got free from all those shackles, that i was just gonna soar- leaving all those people in the dust. but instead, i've just created the same miserable scenario over and over again, in different places, with different people, in some infinite loop.

my eyes have been opened to the true reality of people and the world we live in
... that people are not necessarily good at heart. people lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, dominate, blame, defame, step on others to get ahead, compensate for their own inadequacies by making those around them look bad, say one thing and do another, avoid responsibility... they are often harsh, cruel, immature, self-serving, arrogant, subservise, hateful, vengeful, bitter, judgemental, volatile, critical, cold-blooded, disloyal, greedy, unethical, apathetic and callous.

the reality is that justice doesn't always prevail, that assholes who screw people over get rich, while devoted followers of god lose their children to horrible dieases, where doing the right thing doesn't count for much, and competence and loyalty are trumped by manipulation and corporate alliances.

i prefer the innocence, thank you. it may have been a rose colored view of the world. i may have been angry for not getting what i needed from those around me, but i i had hope, and that was infinitely better than the jaded view i have now. granted, i know there is good out there- little pockets of it. and some people manage to live in a world more like the one i believed in as a child- where people are kind and friendly. but MY reality has been more of the ugly.

i just don't know how to survive in that ugly world. i'm much too sensitive for it. i have no tolerance for bullshitting and sucking up to assholes just to keep my job. the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. how can i open up and let anyone know me when people can be such assholes? god, that's why i LOVE animals. there's NONE of that. no evil intentions, no backstabbing or canniving or ulterior motives, or pretending to be your friend just to screw you.
my shell is much too soft for this harsh world. especially for this city- where every man is out for himself. me, me , me.

every now and again, i'll get a glimpse of what life would be like if i could have what i wanted. great, cute, devoted husband, working for myself and loving it, friends, ........and then i turn around and look at where i am, and it seems like pipe dreams. like there's no way to get there from here. i'm trying to get to disneyland, but i'm on mars. like bugs bunny when he got rocketed off to another planet. altho- he found a way home- my hero!

just can't see having this happy life where i have friends and guys are interested in me, and i get along with people and have successful relationships. i used to think x was damaged emotionally beyond repiar, but i think i probably am too.

where to go from here?
it's been the shittiest few weeks. poison energy. wrestling demons. vet bills, doctor bills, illness that won't leave, getting fired, the ongoing breast saga.........

the thought occured to me today- if i do have a terrible disease, maybe it isn't the worst thing. people say cancer is the 'best thing that ever happened to them' because it's a wake up call. well, fuck all that. for me, maybe it would be a welcome end to a miserable life that isn't going to work anyway. an early "out" from years of suffering ahead; a chance to go to a better place, or to be re-born into a better life. i don't want to live the rest of my life this alone and unhappy. this unknown and unwanted. so while the gods of fate are once again determining my fate, i just hope the end result is either bestowing on me some miracle skills at getting along in this world, or an early end to a life that will always be miserable. while i would SO much prefer A) - a chance of actually achieving happiness on this planet, i can't see how that could possibly come about.
very sobering and sad place to be at right now.
kind of "give up". tired of fighting. just do with me what you will, whoever's in charge, cuz i'm clearly not.