Ramblings on the Amazon Trail

So i leave for south america May 14th. I'm wondering when i should tell mom. or if?
should i just send her a postcard from quito? i could probably not even tell them at all, except she wouldn't be able to call me. so she'd know something was up. i'm not looking forward to dealing with that whole thing.

once again tho, mom was off on this one. she's worried about what happens to me once i get there. but i'm realizing that the Amazon trail is not about what happens IN South America- it's about the journey to GET there. it doesn't even matter what happens once i'm there. All i have to do is get there and i will have succeeded. anything else is just icing on the cake. it's all about the fight to get there. and it is a battle.

i was identifying with the circus animals today. you know when you take animals out of the wild and try to domesticate them.... they'll never lose the call of the wild. so they'll always be miserable in captivity. and they'll try to break free; they'll try to break the rope. but it's stronger than they are. so they stop fighting. they learn fear. and then, even when they are strong enough to break free physically, they can't. the leash has become a security to them.

i know i have a tendency to be way too analytical and assign too much meaning to everything, but i feel like this trip is the battle of my life. the one i have to fight for if i ever want a chance at finding a chance of happiness, or even contentment. it's my lifelong battle, of being born a virgo, and being raised in a fear-based house of red people. i've always been at war with that. like i was dropped off at the wrong place. switched at the hospital? the virgo spirt, the conservative, boring, analytical, planner, worry-wart is my tendency, but it's not who i am. i'm so damned earthbound, it's like my feet are stuck in the mud.

then there's the heart of an aquarian pulling me upwards.... the one that wants to run up a mountain, raft down a river, feel the wind in my face, live in a tree, see, do , feel, touch, change the world, blaze new trails..... the fearless one.. the heart of fiery passion and the wingspan of a mighty eagle, designed to soar. (firefly). it's the call of the wild.

and these damned office jobs are like domesticating a wild tiger. tethering a giant hawk. they suck the life out of me. they kill my spirit. but my virgo keeps be tethered. and the opposing force pulls me upwards. i swear that is why i have IBS. someone pulled in opposite directions is gonna feel pain where? in the middle!

i have to go one way or another- give in to the boring ass virgo child and aspire to be no more than a librarian, or test out these wings and try to fly. and i know which way i have to go. and it's SOOO scary.

so i have to cut this tether. but it's terrifying. it has become my security rope. but at the same time it's killing me.
i guess the virgo is still fighting. raising doubt, playing devil's advocate. ("you did this twice before and didn't solve anything", it says...) ("what will you do when you come back? what are you thinking...." )

Wish this trip could just be a fun idea with no particular meaning or agenda. but on the other hand, what would it be like to not be at war with myself every second of my life? to not have to be pulled back 2 steps for every 1 i take forward? to be completely in tune and in life with myself and moving forward? i guess it's worth it just on the off chance that this trip will do that.

i decided i want to get a tattoo of firefly- the epitomy of my spirit-- a figure that's a fairy on top and a firefly on the bottom. and she will be a constant reminder to me of the message: "honor your spirit". she will be the visual representation of my spirit- a fairy- very feminine and aetherial- kindof half human and half fairy tale- someone in this world but not 'of' it- a being who lives in a fairy world, head in the clouds. i mean, that's definitely me- my head in the clouds, more in the dreamworld than reality. but then she's a firefly- she's got a light to shine. she can fly. the firey passion lights her up and shows the others the way. i can be very inspiring when i'm on fire, when i honor and follow that passion.

so altho i've never been interested in a tattoo, this is the only image i can imagine putting on my body permanently. i want a reminder visible to me. problem is, i can't get a tattoo anywhere i'm having laser hair removal- which is almost everywhere. i knew a girl who had a chinese symbol for harmony on the inside of her wrist, and i just loved that. but the sign for fire is really lame. and i think firefly is more of a visual clue to my brain. it prbly won't fit on the inside of my wrist. and i really hate all the typical places people have tattoos. soo.... once again. easy thing. let's make it difficult.
maybe the inside of my forearm by my elbow. we'll see.