Firefly Hates Cages

This come home at noon to rant is becoming a regular thing lately. By 11 am i am so frustrated that i feel like i'm gonna explode and that i cannot take another second of it.

I booked my ticket yesterday. that's a whole 'nother blog right there, but suffice it to say that even the joy of that isn't enough to keep me above the frustration and bullshit i have to put up with daily at that place.

i feel completely powerless there. my job is to collect the money, but the window that the boss gives me/ the authority he allows me in which to do that, is so small, that i feel completely ineffective. i just keep banging my head on the glass ceiling at the top here.
collect money, BUT, the only 2 consequences that exist , 1. pull the ad or 2. send them to collections, you can't use

they owe US money, why should i have to suck up to them? fuck that. pay or get the fuck out.

whatever. it seems impossible to find a work environment that works for me. i must be the pickiest, least tolerant person alive. i started thinking of what would be the perfect work environment today, and there were so many factors, it's ridiculous- work with a small group of fun, easy-going people, no supervision, no micromanaging, no politics or corporate bullshit, no sucking up (notice how they are all negatives? haha) , no dressing up or mornings, a job i can achieve a high degree of competence at, sunny place, lots of outside time, flexibility, make my own hours, freedom, work with people i like, who have high ethics, work at something that matters, surrounded by passionate, creative people, be in charge of my job and my time. never mind what field it even is in, how in the world can any job fulfill all those ? or even most?

i love my son so much. god, he's the shining bright spot in every day.
and i can't help thinking if i could just get the fuck away from these awful people..... if i could have a source of income that gave me a flexible schedule where i could create my own hours, manage my own time, work from home, and be outside as much as i wanted, then i could be happy. really.
that's not so much to ask for is it?
i have a lot of lack in my life.... lack of friends, community, love, money, etc. but all in all, day to day, my level of contentment would rise 100 % if i could just have some feeling of control over the way i spend my day, instead of having my time controlled by everyone else- like a big money whore. sucking up and selling out just to feed myself.

if i could just be outside during the day and have freedom, i probably wouldn't have to run off to another continent.
now i'm pretty convinced i want to do it anyway for the sake of the experience, but there is that part of me that feels sooooo sad that i'm abandoning the ONE brightest spot in my world, the little guy who makes me happier than ANYthing else in my reality. he's the only thing that DOES work in my life, and i am leaving him to get rid of everything else that doesn't. feel like such a horrid mother. like i let him down. like i didn't try hard enough to make it work. i feel so guilty. i got him to keep me company and i'm running off and leaving....
well, now the bus drove up. so i better abandon that train...

again WHATEVER
my new saying when things suck and i can't do anything about them.
not good at rolling over and letting things be. hello, FIREfly?