Christmas 2005

The idea of christmas in my head is always wildly discrepant than how it actually plays out in reality.
Christmas is the only holiday i like. I love everything about it, and i refuse to let it be tainted.
but what i love is the holiday commercials, the christmas lights, ice skating rinks, carols, the spirit of giving, all the eye candy of the season. what i've always wanted is the norman rockwell version of it.

i had it once. when we got evacuated from the middle east, we ended up in NY for 4 months with my mom's family- the family i always wanted to grow up in. she has 4 sisters, all of them a total hoot. so christmas 1980, we were in the best city- we bundled up and went to see the big tree in rockefeller center, ate at the street venders, and froze our toes off! then we got a huge tree and decorated it. christmas morning, i was surrounded by a whole bunch of family, exchanging presents, gathered around this big tree in my grandma's huge living room. THAT is what christmas should be.

like i said, aside from that one year, the reality has been quite different
this year, i went to visit the parents for the first time in a few years to find my dad falling to pieces.
despite being only 66, he's on medication for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, irregular heartbeat, asthma, and peripheral neuropathy. all my mom talks about is his doctor visits, his wheezing, his different medications, and how 'out of it' he is. i didn't want to believe her. everytime i talk to dad on the phone, he seems alert and happy and normal.
but there were signs hard to ignore.

he has a breathing treatment he does, and instead of putting the correct drops into the machine, he put mom's eye drops in it, inhaling those instead. he broke and spilled a glass of wine all over the living room floor and the side of the couch. and then, when i went into the kitchen, there was wine down the side of the cabinet. (????) and the most disturbing, i was trying to help him upload pictures to his blog, and it was taking him forever to do the simplest tasks on the computer. granted, he was sick with a sinus infection, which can make you feel 'out of it'. but he looked at the blog homepage and stared at the big username and login section like he'd never seen it before. then it took him 2 times to enter his password info, and he had to look it up on a sheet. then after i uploaded the info, turns out he'd already uploaded that and forgot. SCARY.

he's fat- hugely fat. mom says 260 lbs. looks 9 months pregnant with twins. and his face is so swollen and fat, he looks like he's got the mumps. he has these huge wine glasses that he kept refilling, despite the fact that alcohol counteracts most of his meds. seems quite hell bent on killing himself. mom says everyday she wakes up wondering if today will be the day that he drops dead. 4 days with him, and i felt like that too- scared to leave him alone, nervous when he was too quiet, waiting on edge, expecting to hear the dreaded sound of breaking glass and a large thump. i felt like i was in a nursing home- with all the talk of breathing machines, nebulizers and various drugs and diabetic shoes. i was constantly nervous with an upset stomach.

the night before i left, i was awakened by him coughing violently. mom got up and rushed him to the doctor at 7 in the morning. and i imagined what it was like living day to day like that. and i understood why she's so angry at having to take care of him- keep track of his pills, clean up his spills, rub down the callouses he can't feel on his feet, try to limit the crap he eats, etc.

so that was christmas 2006- in the geriatric, alcohol-food addiction ward at my dad's house
i don't have the stomach for dealing with sick or old people. it makes me a nervous wreck.
and now i'm talking with my brother about interventions- conversations i didn't expect to be having for years.