On Being OK

not sure i've ever felt this, so i donno if i even know what it looks like, but instead of just concentrating on what's miserable, let's try to look at it from a new angle.
i'm afraid i'll never be "ok". well, what would that look like if i had a fairy godmother grant me that wish?
what does 'being ok' look like?
i'd be married to the most amazing guy just like my environmental boy. so in love with him that i couldn't wait to come home everyday to see him. i would love who he is in the world, what he stands for, how he is with people, how he spends his time, who i am with him, who we are together. he would treat me like gold. adore me and respect me. we would have a happy relationship.... i could go on and on.
a wonderful, happy intimate relationship with a cute guy who is my husband.
money would be handled. i would be able to support myself nicely. be able to afford a prius, a house, and trips. there would be lots of travel, adventure, camping trips, time for hobbies. i would feel comfortable around people. socially comfortable.
i would have friends. i would feel loved, wanted, accepted. part of a group. i would feel like i'm doing something with my life. useful. i would live according to what i believe.
i wouldn't be scared all the time.
i'd be confident. feel like everything was handled. the opposite to how i feel now where there is total lack of everything i want and need and i feel powerless to get it. money, guy, friends, supporting myself, job i like, etc.
i would feel content. i would laugh. there wouldn't be anything to figure out or to worry about.
i would feel relaxed and free. i would do what i want. i wouldn't feel like there were a million obstacles in the way of getting what i want.
right now people are simply a great big nuisance. they are in my way. on the road, at my job. preventing me from something, aggravating me. i'm trying to get home (free) to spend MY time how i want it. they are in the way. doing my job, their incompetence and annoying behaviors piss me off. if i felt like i had everything i needed, i might feel freer and more at peace with people. if i weren't such in 'get out of my way' mode, i'd be more content w/ people.

money is a big one. 2 fucking things have been the curse of my life: hair, and figuring out what to do for a living.
it always comes back to that. everything would or could fall into place if i could just figure out how to support myself with something i didn't hate.