Thursday, November 03, 2005

Roadtrip

The open raod beckons, rough and uneven, glistening with the afternoon sun. Wandering off in the barren distance, promising solitude and serenity. The more desolate the path, the stronger its appeal. Funny how i always ran from the solitude, in search of crowds and bustling cities full of constant activity, only to find that the emptiness wasn't in the trees or the endless cornfields, it was inside of me.

of course i would end up in LA, a city of millions. I am a person of extremes- a black and white person with little concept of balance or middle ground. I came here to run as far away from that small town prison as i could- maybe. Seemed at the time like following my dreams. But maybe it was a stubborn desire to prove taht i could make it in a world those people never even dreamed about.

At first it felt miraculous. a dream come true. i fought sooo hard to get out of that hell hole, only to end up right back in another. When i finally made it out, i was in heaven. People everywhere, wall to wall activity, not a moment of quiet. the complete opposite to the lonely emptiness i felt, staring out our kitchen window at the complete blackness, feeling like i was the last human being alive, because the world had been sucked up into the void of night.

6 years later, it's the very same things i cherished that have turned into such annoyances that i want to run away to places so remote that no one could find me to ask anything of me.

Like i said, i am a person of extremes. I've never been any good at accomplishing things or dealing with the complicated nature of human relationships. the only way i know to change a bad situation (which they all seem to turn out to be) is to fly the coop- to run as far away as my feet will carry me, in the hopes that the next destination will be better and that everything will finally be ok. Todd the Wet Sproket sings a song which totally captures that need to flee. They sing "Somebody told me. this is the place, where everything's better and everything's safe"

Except i always end up re-creating the same ugly world i just fled from, and getting myself stuck in the same ruts. I keep asking for help, but no one teaches me the skills to survive in the human race, the skills i missed hiding in a corner while a roomful of my peers taunted me. No one will teach me how to deal with the 90 % of the people in the world who move slower than me or aren't as smart or effficient. How 'bout when friends hurt you or people take advantage of you?

God, how many people know that the mountains turn purple in the late afternoon when the sun is setting? How many people take the time to count the ridges and folds in the mountains? to soak up the beauty of a sunset.
I can't wait to be on the road with some serenity.

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