enough

i keep struggling as of late with 'why' do i want to go to s. america. stupid really. why does anyone want to do anything? cuz i want to. should be enough of a reason. if it were that simple, i'd leave it at that, but a lot of it is not just that i want to go there, it's that i want to get away from ____ here. or that something here isn't working. one of those things is that this life here doesn't fill me up. dealing with incompetent, arrogant apathetic people all day, staring at a box, numbing myself with the temporary solace of a mocha frappuchino, decompressing every afternoon just to get the stress of the day out of my system, only to face another day. it's not just my job. every job is like this. every job i ever had. i just can't deal with the 'suck it up for 5 days and then we'll give you 2' mentality. 80 % of the things in my life are things i have to do, not want to. and i'm sick of living that way. weekend trips and tues or thurs night socials don't make up for it. this life i've got going is so empty. it doesn't fill me up. so what does? what has?

-jezzie and kk, without a doubt- made me feel alive, loved, cared for, listened to. i loved them more than i've ever loved any human being
-holly
-interlochen- being part of the rest of us. success. talking with people who were also passionate, feeling loved. like i mattered. hugs. god, help me, sweet hugs, human touch, being listened to, making amazing music in the great outdoors
-SAR? , IV??
-kate
-my boyfriends
-the farm
-ali
-n. ca trip
-burningman
-landmark
-linda
what do these all have in common? feeling loved, needed, like i mattered, AND interacting with amazing people
my life is so dull right now. very much lack of inspirational, amazing people