Brat Camp

How embarrassing but i totally identified with those kids
those angry hurt kids
i'm still one of them
i'm still an angry little girl trying desperately to get some attention
to get someone to listen to me; to acknowledge my presence

most of them had a good reason to be pissed off tho
dad dying, molested, mom a heroin addict

coach says i'm still blaming everyone
ok
looking back on my writing, seems just like i still need someone to feel sorry for me

i want what those kids got
a chance to have intensive one-on-one therapy for 2 months in the middle of nowhere; someone to sit down and listen to me
take me seriously; listen to what i've been thru
ask me how i felt about everything
allow me to be angry
i'd love that experience
to be challenged phsycially ; in nature
without ANY stuff
without any of my comforts to distract me
like i said, one on one counseling
strenth building- emotionally and physically

maybe i should go on one of those women's quest retreats
starting over?
month long mediation retreat?
i donno. something radical
hopefully traveling will purge this out of me

i'm tired of carrying it around

i think the reason i have carried it around for so long is because i just wanted someone to listen to me

started thinking about page patch today
and started crying
and the pain was still there- strong and raw
i'm still angry about that
still feel the rage

it's not resolved

funny thing tho
there was something new today
it went down in the books as 'god led me there and then abandoned me'
but what i had never realized is that i TOTALLY disregarded my intuition on that one
maybe THAT was god telling me not to go
when i got the job offer, mom was celebrating and i went in my room and cried
i did NOT want to go; i felt like i had no other choice so i did what i didn't want to (man that's familiar)

another high price of not following my intuition ?
so that was interesting

maybe there's still the pre-landmark phenomenon going on-
where i have to wreck things and make a total mess of my life just in the hopes that one day someone will notice and give me some pity and attention

if i just let it go
no one will ever know that things sucked
but i won't care either