Anger

Anger,

What makes me angry?
Drivers on the road, waiting on slow or stupid people, the sales’ reps incompetence, tim’s arrogance, judy’s greediness, the reps apathy and constant goofing off- taking advantage of the boss, not getting a new printer, not using a collection agency, boredom, having to sit at a computer all day even tho I hate it, having to ride a desk even when I have nothing to do, being stuck in a bldg, being in air conditioned or dark places, seeing judy make $7000 in 2 weeks, what I can’t figure out how to do in 6 months, working so hard for $, seeing assholes without a conscience prosper, seeing everyone else get what I want and can’t have, people who smoke out the window and fuck up my air, people who throw trash on the streets, illegal immigrants getting free health care, the cost of gas, the cost of housing, traffic, fighting thru hoards of humanity to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, never ever having down time, never having enough time or $, lack of everything in my life: boyfriend, apt, job I love, friends, travel, time, balance, serenity, joy, sex, etc. etc., being smart and capable but still making peanuts, people taking advantage of me, no way out, the constant struggle in my life, my always “on ” brain, the constant obsessive analyzing, categorizing and worrying (why can’t I just relax and play without always having to figure it out?)

I’m angry at mom for loving my brother more; for treating him better- treating him like the golden child; like he was made of glass. For not treating me like a person, but more of a nuisance- for being emotionally checked out and blaming her issues on me. For telling me it was me who could never be happy, when in fact, it was her. For loving her solitude and brandy more than us. For never being proud of me, for having ridiculous expectations – that nothing I ever do or did was good enough, for deflating and discouraging every dream I ever had. For comparing me to my brother- for pitting us against each other and then wondering why I hated him, for raising us in a damned cornfield, for sending my brother off to a brain school and deciding that shitty ass hell-hole was plenty good for me, for never ‘getting me’ but claiming to. HA

I’m angry that I’m such a failure.
A song from the 80s came on the other day, and I commented on how it brought back some nostalgia. Something that was gone now. When questioned by a coworker I said something like,
It reminds me of how I used to think,
That I could make a difference in the world
That everything was gonna be ok once I got free of this shitty little town,

And I really did thing that the only thing holding me back from soaring was that stifling environment. I thought I was so much better than all of them. And I did have more worldy experience, more passion, more aspirations to make something of myself than most of them. But many of them now have showed ME up. I thought I could change the world. I thought everything was going to be ok as soon as I got free from there. That I’d “show them”. I’m angry as hell that I’ve wasted 1/2 of my life being miserable. I thought I’d be powerful, that I’d accomplish something huge. I thought I’d be successful. Never once thought I’d be 34 and still not know what I want to be when I grow up, without a husband, a boyfriend, a good paying job or a great group of friends. I’m so disappointed in myself. When I was young, it was their fault- there was no opportunity there- I was stuck in a prohibitive, closed-minded environment. That’s why I was unhappy and unproductive. Now I’m free of them. So it must be my fault. Must be something wrong with ME. God, maybe I AM ordinary? God help me, no!

I’m angry that It takes so much hard work to make money. I’m angry that I have to spend my time doing things I hate. My days are filled not with what I want to do, but with things I hate. I’m so angry and frustrated that I don’t know what to do for a living or how to be happy. I’m angry at the other drivers and the traffic because they are wasting MY time- all my time is other people’s- I spend my days on someone else’s clock. So I feel like I have no time to do what I want. And here are the other drivers and stupid people I’m waiting on wasting the little bit of MY time that I DO have. Similarly, work irritates me because I don’t want to be there.

Spend time w/ a good friend today. Told him I’m looking forward to the day where work is work and the rest is play. I told him how I went to the park yesterday, journal in hand, and came upon a group of 15 people playing football, and how tired I was of being the solitary, angst-ridden, analytical type with the journal- trying to figure it out while others were playing. I want to be the social one-the one to be actively playing on a Sunday without a care in the world because everything is handled. I’ve really self-imposed that role on myself as an adult, and It really doesn’t fit anymore. I AM a social creature. Could it be I’m returning to the path of who I was destined to be before it got train-wrecked with the birth of my brother and all the teasing? I am truly tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders- being solitarily locked in prison while others play.

Had a cool conversation with the Ps today. Mom wants to fly out here to be with me for the follow up mammogram. She obviously cares. So why am I still living in storyland with her? Angry at childhood events? How ridiculous. She had her own issues obviously. It couldn’t have been easy raising 2 kids in a foreign country with a husband who was always gone. And yeah, she favored my brother. She even admits he was her favorite. For whatever reason, she had issues with me. And mostly, I’m sure she just wanted quiet. Like bill cosby says, “parents aren’t interested in justice, they just want quiet”.
So what? Am I still angry about all that? I think I realized why I’ve always gravitated towards situations and people who do me wrong. It’s the lack mentality; thinking “that’s the best I can do” and not believing there is infinite abundance out there I can tap into. But why do I stay and fight with these abusers? Why do I need to convince them that I was wronged? Why do I need to see justice? Is it really because it wasn’t fair when I was 6? Is it really because I was wronged then and nobody cared? I can see how the chair incident started a pattern. I was hurt and my mother wouldn’t listen to me. She didn’t care. Nothing I could do or say would get her to listen to me. She disregarded me. Thus began the story of how ‘no one listens to me’ and ‘I don’t matter’. I see myself pleading today with people in the same manner as I pleaded with her to listen to me. “but you don’t understand, I was wronged”. Am I still trying to convince her?

Who knows
I realized today tho, that I’m only angry M-F
I’m only angry when people take away my freedom. This freedom thing for me is HUGE. Freedom seems to be the most important thing to me. And the thing I never have. It translates into being angry at having my time wasted and not having enough money to have the things I want.
I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
PERIOD. That’s it. Anytime that is threatened, I am angry.
I’m a spoiled little kid who resents having my time dictated to me. I saw my dad hate his life, commuting 2 hours a day to a job that made him miserable because that’s what you “have to do”. And I decided I’m never going to do that. And I’ve refused to give that up-remaining a big kid about and around that ugly 4 letter word: “work”, trading freedom for money because I believe you can’t have both. “work sucks, and that’s just a fact of life”. That was my dad’s motto that got successfully drilled into my brain.