Before & After Moments

You know those defining moments that forever divide our lives into "before" and "after" this event? those moments that re-direct the course of our lives, and leave us forever changed? Well, i got to thinking..... what are my before and after moments....

1. My brother being born
From what my parents tell me, i was a delightful child; social, outgoing, happy, gregarious, well-behaved. They said they could take me anywhere. I have pictures of me feeding caulliflower to my dad amongst his collegues at their house parties. I was charming and confident. But then my brother was born........... sorry to say, things went downhill for a very long time. I would never be smart enough next to my brother. I was the unwanted one; the emotional one, the difficult one. He was the golden child, the genius, the one too good to send to the crappy little high school that was plenty ok for me. But what if.... Where was i headed before this turning point?
Hmm.... I would've been adored a lot more. I would've been daddy's little princess. And that would've meant a lot more. I wouldn't have felt stupid. I would've been enough.

2. The teasing at school
Betwen the new addition of the gaudi "golden child" and the immediate and unrelenting teasing I got from the kids at school from age 6 on, any self-confidence or social ease was forever obliterated. Gone was the charming, gregarious, outgoing, happy child. And her place was a timid, sad little girl who felt unwanted, freakish, and constantly out of place. All of the passion and creativity was turned inward into a dark world of isolation and vivid imagination. I turned to animals for companionship and acceptance. I lived in the world of TV to avoid my own reality. The Eagles sing a melochony lyric which bears a haunting resemblence to my life's path. They sing, "Your prison is walking through this world all alone". This is where it began. I learned fear of rejection and distrust of people. As a child, i was ostricized by no fault of my own. As an adult, I ostracized myself, to spare myself the pain of rejection.

3. Moving to Illinois when i was 10
I remember this so clearly. The situation in the Middle East became unsafe for Americans and my dad was getting transferred. Either to Pittsburg or Staunton, IL. At the time i wished so hard for Staunton. It was the familiar. We'd been spending summers there. It felt like home. To this day, I fault myself for asking the universe for that choice, feeling like my wishing swayed the final decision, which did come down to IL. In retrospect, I think i would've done better growing up in Pittsburg. We would've lived in a suburb instead of the isolation of a cornfield. Friends around, big school, lots of activities, more opportunities, more open-minded people. As opposed to living 5 miles out without the benefit of other children to play with and only being able to participate in band because there were no other opportunities in the sports oriented school. We would've been closer to NY, and I dream about growing up around Mom's extended family with a nostalgia for something i've never even known. I would've had the acceptance of my extended family to counteract the teasing. And i would've been much more well adjusted with the influence and acceptance of Marie, my mom's hippie sister. Then again, climbing fences, digging worms and having fights with well water gave me a grounding and a love of nature that i do cherish. And my crappy little school allowed me to achieve a high ranking upon graduation.

4. Interlochen
Wow. I cannot stress the signifigance of this experience. It saved me life. It gave me life.
The first time EVER in my life, i was part of a group. I was "one" of the campers of cabin 16. We made amazing music in the great outdoors, we laughed, we cried, we lived lifetimes. I was surrounded by creative, talented, driven people, like myself! I was talented. I MATTERED!!!! It was the first time anyone ever listened to me like i was a real person. I achieved success. I learned that i could love and be loved. I felt the amazing and healing touch of hugs! I cried a lifetime of misery on kate's shoulders and she filled the gaping sorrow in my heart, by assuring me everything was going to be ok, and that i was loved. I was wanted! I was important. People listened to what i had to say, instead of dismissing me as 'what do you know, you're just a kid'. For the first time in my life, people looked beyond the hair on my body to what was in my mind. I spoke to intelligent people my age who were more interested in changing the world than getting drunk and fucking in the back seat of a car. There was a passion there and a drive that i connnected with. I found my people! It opened up worlds to me. One of the best experiences of my life. I wanted to live the rest of my life forever in that space. But then 8 weeks ended in a heartbeat, and i was ripped out of my new life; my home, the only place i'd ever known acceptance. and thrown back into the lifeless dungeon of small minded people, where no one cared about anything but football or getting drunk. no one had any aspirations or concerns for anything outside of that tiny little town. thank god it was only a year until college. it was a rough transition to say the least. "A mind stretched by a new idea never regains it's original shape"; I was not the same person I was when i left. And i fit in even less than i did before.

5. Going to U of I
This was definitely a life altering path. I do so wonder where i'd be now if i had chosen an East Coast school. I would've spent holidays in NY with my mom's family, and been close to them. I would know family on a scale i've never even imagined. Norman Rockwell Christmases under big trees, feeling the acceptance of being part of a group. I may have lived in NYC after college. Man what an experience. I may still be on the East Coast.

6. Tom
This guy forever changed who i am. He gave me the strongest identity I have, which is that of a vegetarian. He opened my eyes to animal abuse, factory farming, veganism, and political activism. I gave up leather, i gave up meat. And for the first time in my life, I stood for something and actually stuck with it!

7. Taking the job and moving to Pageland
I can honestly say, without hesitation, If i was able to wrangle a time machine, and do this one over, i'd run screaming in the other direction from this place. I lost everything i ever had in this experience. It left me completly shattered. I almost didn't survive it. In fact, the person who came out of that was not the same individual. It was a bunch of broken pieces, glued back together in all the wrong places. It was the end of "god" for me, the end of the "American Dream" and "happily ever after". Even more devestating than the loss of faith, hope and my boyfriend, was my best friend kate.

8. Quitting teaching and moving across country to CA
Thus began the journey to know myself. to heal my body and transform my mind. I'm glad i didn't settle for north carolina. I've had a whole world of experiences in CA that i would've otherwise missed. There have been so many opportunities here, and i think i needed to be in a big city, in a very liberal, forward thinking place to find who i really am.

9. Ali
A girl who came into the picture sideways and showed me how pitiful and lacking my social circle and community involvement was. Although it was a painful experience, It led directly to landmark and 2004, the year of "Carpe Diam", where i packed more living into one year than i've experienced in my whole life. I realized i have more capacity to be social than i thought, and that i love to be active.

10. Landmark
taught me that i always viewed my life as a vicitm; that situations were thrown at me, and i had no choice. I realized that it's up to me to create the life of my dreams. easier said than done, but a great deal of emotional healing from my past and potential for a future i want.