Clarity Sucks

so i've been seeing my life more clearly lately
seeing my patterns
kind of like an observer
jeez, i can't do it anymore. i can't tell one more person that i've started one new thing

hated TEACHING. well that's no biggie. everyone makes mistakes.

but then the directionless path i took after that was really stupid. i guess running off to catalina was not much more than an escape route. a way out of teaching. the milling around was kindof frustrating. catalina in 97. off the island in 99.

wanted to go to film school. graphics. trying to get into the FILM industry here in LA, with no connections or schooling. didn't even know what i wanted specifically. i needed a job. rent money. and the only thing i had experience in besides teaching was hotel. so i did that. didn't realize that young people have no experience in anything. they just interview at some corporate place and work their way up. no one told me that. and i probably wouldn't have been interested anyway in a cube.

decided CINEMATOGRAPHY was what i really wanted. saw some shoots. couldn't be bothered with the hours. couldn't see myself up at the crack of dawn, doing pa work, or lugging those heavy grip cables around, working my way up the ladder. and it wasn't even glamorous like i thought it'd be.

saw ian and annie doing the animation and fell in love w/ that. took a few GRAPHIC/WEB DESIGN classes and loved it. so i started down that path. i don't even know what happened there. guess i listened to susan who said i'd have to go to art center college of design and take out hundreds of thousands of loans to end up at an ad agency for 5 yrs, starting at $10 an hour. i was already making that ; why take on all that debt? WEB DESIGN-i was failing flash miserably. i didn't think i could compete against flashers or coders. knew i couldn't ever do that. and after a year of classes, all the technology i'd learned had changed. so then what?

somewhere in there was ORGANIZING. i made yet another biz card- really cute btw. took on 2 clients. it was like psychiatry- talking these people out of their stuff. i never pursued it. and, oh yeah, there's my idea to PUBLISH MY OWN MAGAZINE which i have started and stopped a total of 3 times at this point, despite the fact that it is probably the choice that makes the most sense. and i can actually seee myself in a whole life with that. and, can you believe, WRITING MY OWN BOOK.

so then i had unofficially quit school. it was 2002, now what?MELALEUCA. but i sucked at sales. totally outside of my comfort zone. what was i thinking? i wanted the extra cash. and the part time hours, full time pay. suckered. then i was like, fuck it!

so was july of 2003. i pissed around the rest of the year, and then 2004, i was like, i'm tired of wasting my young life trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i'm taking a break, and i'm just gonna play. and it was GREAT!!!!!!!

so here i am in 2005, no closer to anything. and the money now is feeling like a desperate situation. i'm just DONE being broke. and i realize i've wasted 12 years of saving and 401 Ks and all that responsible shit. and that if i don't turn it around and make a ton of money fast, i'm fucked. and that i'll have to work for peanuts for the rest of my life. it sucks

oddly enough for the past i donno, i dare say 2 years, the answer to what do i want to do with my life has pretty much been the same as i what i am again discovering.
photography, travel, animals, environment, empowering women, and writing.

i'm realizing now, these are all career interests, but i can't pick ONE. maybe i'm not supposed to.

maybe i could be a photographer and a writer, who travels the world and works with animals
i donno.

but now, i decide i'm gonna go to the jungle. save all my money. laser focused on that. but then, oh wait, here's REAL ESTATE. i think THAT will finally solve my problems. make me lots of money- to catch me up, give me a way to go to the jungle AND come back with something to come back to- a way to support myself well. that was the logic anyway. but again, i didn't even stop to think that i have no people skills. none whatsoever. and that's what it is all about. so i spend maybe 1 week of full effort on it, then half-ass decide i can't do it. so i have $10,000 to raise for this trip, the good old fashion way- working your ass off for peanuts. so i go willy nilly looking for peon part time jobs. as if that wasn't enough, i'm looking into taking on a candy route and marketing a book, scattering my time completely, once again. altho, at LEAST there is a goal i'm working towards- the trip. and all the efforts DO fit in line with that goal, but christ. i'm exhausted

honestly, i can't bear to see myself tell one more person i'm doing one more thing
my logic always seems sound. and i'm great at convincing everyone around me that this is the thing that'll be it.

and the tragic realization as of recently is not only what a quitter i am,
but that what all this pissing around, chasing my tail in circles has cost me.
i have watched the people around me get married, get divorced, go from one bad relationship to a break up, to a great relationship, to having kids, to going back to school, getting new careers. all while i sat in one place. i've outlasted like 4 people at the mirror. i have no boyfriend, no career, no group of friends, no house, no apt; every christmas, i can't afford to go see my parents. same situation year after year after year after year after year after year after year

i can't
please
i can't anymore
i can't