Clarity of Mud

I don't know if it was my mother recently washing her hands of me due to my complete lack of 'success' or direction in my life that started me to thinking, but seems like lately i am seeing my life for the first time, like an observer.

And sad to say it makes me sick. Oh please, please, can't we rewind back to 1992, where I was fresh out of college? I promise, i'll do it right this time. god, just give me those 12 years back. jesus, i cring to even think it's been 12 years. TWELVE YEARS. i have wasted 12 years of my life. that hurts. those were supposed to be the best times of my life. whatever. that's a mind-fuck bus waiting to happen if i go down that road.

and i'd love to say i've finally got it figured out. truth is, i'm still meandering around like a lost little puppy. sad story of a 34 year old who still doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up.
i know it's useless, but i'd still like to blame my mother for that.

she threatened my life everyday of my childhood. 'you'll never live to be 12 years old. that mouth is gonna be the death of you'. everyday she'd say that. so truth is, i never ever ever saw myself as an adult. didn't ever have a vision of myself as a functioning, much-less contributing adult. never saw myself as responsible or taking care of myself. didn't think i'd make it past 20, truth be told.

by as real as all that may be, a hell of a lot of good it does me now. this is the mess of a life i have. and i can bitch about it, or start to turn it around.

all i can say is that i see my patterns with a little more clarity now. i see that i keep running off after the latest thing. i can admit that i am hopelessly lazy. that i have a huge aversion to responsibility and a major need to be taken care of.
so every get rich scheme, or promise of money without much effort has always lured me off. i realize i never stuck with anything, but then again, i never knew found anything i really liked.
altho i am kicking myself a little now for giving up on design. there was the opportunity to get a direction to my life. i started down the road, and then, usual fashion, gave it up. but i really do like design. so why?

i donno.
someone please fix this mess.