Circular Motion

"Just remember that the dreamers have been the forerunners of all human progress"
so says Napoleon Hill

oh thank god.
maybe i'm ahead of the game, instead of hopelessly behind, as i see it

i mean, i've got that one down- the dreamer part. my problem is i can't pick one; i just go bouncing from one shiny glittery prize to the next

I'm trying to stay laser focused on my goal of getting to the Amazon. i have to. i'm sick inside that i was so close. i got right to the brink of it, upheaveled my whole life, gave up my home of 5 years and put my stuff in storage, all of which took a monumental move of courage- all to renig on it, to postpone it. i'd wring my own neck if i could.

so it has to happen. i may have stalled a year, but that's it. june 2006, i don't care if i have to walk there because i only have a penny to my name, i'm going.

but being submerged in the real world is not like a cute little bubble.
all these distractions and diversions keep popping up. and it's in my nature to run off, chasing each one.
so i feel like tom cruise in top gun, trying to keep my eye on the prize. "i'm not leaving my wing man. i'm not leaving my wing man."

and it's so so hard in this environment. yeah, i know, i can't ask for sympathy here. it was an offer of free rent, and i took it. i swear to god, because i wanted to save money for the trip. and maybe, admittedly, because i was damn tired of taking care of myself, of fighting the avalanche of junk mail and the investation of mold, etc. etc.

anyway, my brain is tired.
i do so envy those people who go to work, enjoy their job, put their full energy and focus into it, and then they come home. and they play. relax. enjoy their spouse or their kids. i can't imagine what that's like. one single solitary lighthearded moment, without the full weight of the world on my shoulders or without some life changing decision to be faced..... where everything is ok. where it's good to be me. god, what would that be like? am i just incapable of such things, like my mother told me?

every spare minute of my life, including those at work has been consumed with what to do with my life. what is my calling? where do i get money? what extra job or class or entreprenuerial idea to chase after next just so i can pay the rent and have some hope that my life won't always be so scarce.