There are days....

When breathing seems like an effort
that, for no particular reason whatsoever, i just feel desperately sad
without hope
completely convinced my life is so beyond fucked up that there is no hope of ever getting it together
not even like i'm stuck in the maze, pointed the wrong way. more like i fell off the board, slipped into a space ship and sent off to mars

like there is no possible way to get from where i am to where i want to be
it's worlds away

i woke up in the middle of the night last week, and i thought to myself, jeez, how FAR away i am from where i want to be
without even a rental apt of my own, not to mention a house
sleeping in a bed with a man i'm not dating
who i can't even stand half the time
who frequently is harsh and nasty to me

i know my childhood was fucked up. but it wasn't THAT fucked up
it wasn't like my parents kept me chained up in a basement

i want to run away
cry
run
run
run
run
somewhere where it's warm
and quiet
and no one is nasty
maybe there isn't anyone
but my cat