One Day i'll Look Back At This and Laugh

just remember,
my mother 'gets' me. BWAHHH HAHAHAHA
belly laugh

Mom wrote:
I talked to Peter Provost (I used to do some work for him at Pirelli -- he is one of the top 3 environmentalists in the world). I told him about your trip to the Amazon. He was a little shocked and said it was dangerous --both in the form of violent crime and also in the form of health risks. He said he was sure glad his 2 girls (just out of college) haven't suggested such a thing. Just so you know, I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Take care.
Love, Mom

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Firefly responded:
Hey mom,
well, maybe you can ask your environmentalist friend to get me job where i can work outside with animals!!! do you forget that you went running all around the world in your young life with dad? to places that weren't necessarily "safe"?? Beirut? Dubai? did your parents tell you that the middle east was no where to be for a 30 yr old w/ 2 kids who's husband is always away traveling??? you had intenstinal parasites and had to take collera shots and lived in 3rd world countries. wouldn't you have regretting passing on all those opportunities to see the world? if all you did was sit at a desk your whole life? i got my strong, independent, competent nature from you! i realize you're just concerned for my safety and i appreciate that. i'm not critizing, just asking you to remember how it is to be young, and not try to discourage me from experiences that will be experiences of a lifetime. i also got a well, grounded, extremely good head on my shoulders from you.
>firefly
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Mom responded:
I've been thinking about your email and you do have a point or two. However, when I was 30 years old I had 2 children, a husband who was never home and when he was home he was doing his own thing. Whenever anything major happened (like the doctor thinking you might be a draft at 9 mos), you dad was on a trip. By the time I was 25 my father had died, what little money was left in my name, I turned over to Helen for the younger kids. I had NO ONE to fall back on but your dad! When Scott was born, we had approximately $500 to our name (a month's worth of expenses) -- didn't own a house, car, etc. I was 30 years old. I knew if things didn't work out, I didn't have any options and nothing to fall back on. It was me and my kids and, dad, of course.

Also, no one got me a job ever (and I couldn't work in the Middle East). Whatever I am today is what I made myself -- and I know you can say the same, except you have had help from Dad financially. When Barbara and I raised pigs, Dad lent us the start up money and we had to pay him back with interest -- he never forgave a dime!

So, here is where I am coming from -- and please don't respond to this in an email as dad can get my emails. I have taken care of you, Scott and Dad for 36 years. I am tired of it! I have to take care of Dad now in so many day to day things and he hates a lot of what I do and wants a wife who stays home and cooks 3 meals and day and lets him eat and drink what he wants. He can't remember what happened 2 hours ago and constantly harps on money. I am sooo very tired of it all. This work with Pirelli has probably saved my sanity. A couple of weeks ago, I worked until 9:45 pm. Your dad was furious when I got home (though I had called and told him) -- he treated me as if I was out partying. I am so feed up!!! I will not worry about you, Tan, because I cannot take on any more worries. I am 60 years old and should be living the life of Riley! Take care. I love you and hope you will be happy always.
Love, Mom
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Firefly responded:
Mom,
thanks for writing back. I appreciated the inside info on your life at my age. you don't often share that. I'm not sure i understood your point tho. i hope you know that i'm not asking for anything here. The jewelry, to my understanding was mine, to do with as i wanted. i didn't or don't plan on asking you guys for any money for my trip. And i'm not asking you to think ahead or worry for me. only to know that you did your job raising me and to trust that i can make my own decisions, even if they are ones you don't necessarily approve of.

All i ever wanted and still want is for you guys to accept me for who i am. I've always felt like you didn't approve of my life, and that's sad to me. We come from 2 wildly different generations, and the world is a very different place then it was when you were my age. I would love for you guys to 'get me', but i understand that may never happen.

on the other hand, you and i are both extremely capable, intelligent, resourceful, independent women, with a good head on our shoulders, who would never wait for a man to do it for us, or take no for an answer. I got this from you, mom! you ran off and left your house to live in manhattan, drug 2 kids around the world, took care of 3 kids in all kinds of foreign countries.... i totally respect you for that. you're strong and independent. why is that hard for you to see in me?

seems like you don't want me to do any of that 'living'. like you're discouraging me for doing stuff very similar to what you did yourself. maybe i just don't understand. what would you have liked to see me do with my life?

parents are an amazing example and source of learning to their children. you both have given me many positive traits. and through your example, i have learned some things i want to do, and some things i don't want to repeat.

I've seen you tolerate a man with a violent temper, so that's something i want to steer away from. i've seen you and dad rub each other the wrong way because you 2 aren't necessarily very compatible. lesson learned. find someone who shares your interests. i've also seen the way you were good with money. i've copied that one. my credit is great, i am a good money manager. same with the strong, independent, resourceful woman who stands up for herself.

you've both taught me to be cautious, conservative, and a bit cynical. that has served me well in the past, but now i believe i need to open up more and take new and different risks to find my own happiness. i've always had this war going on in me between the good little cautious, timid conservative virgo girl who worries and plans out 5 years into the future and the hippy child- the free spirit that wants to roam the world, work with animals, climb trees and go off the beaten path. that's who i really am, and i can't repress it any more, without sacrificing my own health and happiness. and life is too short to be miserable. i saw you and dad spend years dragging yourself to st. louis for a job and hating it. and the sad thing was that dad was always sucking up his misery and saving his money so he could finally be happy in retirement, and now look what's happened- he's losing his mind and isn't happy now either. he slaved away, hating his life, so that someday he'd be happy, and his someday never came. i don't want to do that. if it takes me longer to find what makes me happy, then so be it, but
i'm not gonna settle for a life of unhappiness.

what i want is off the beaten path, and so i have to search harder to find it. but i will. i know the jungle is not where you want me to be, but i have to go where i find happinesss. you've given me everything i need. and now you have to let me find my own place in the world, even if it is not what you would like to see me do.

hope this makes some kind of sense at all to you.

I'm sorry that you have stress now. and that you are having to take care of dad when you should be living carefree. i'm not asking to add to your pile of obligations. quite the opposite. i wish there was something i could do. all i can say is do the best to find your own peace and happiness. we may be wildly different- in fact, i joke that you couldn't find 4 more dissimilar people if you toured the globe randomly , but i'd like to think there is some common ground we can relate on.

take care,
love,
firefly
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Mom wrote:
I think I've "gotten" you a lot longer than you have. You were born bohemian and that's fine. I think you didn't accept yourself because you were so different from me and Dad (and Scott). (I DO see where we are alike in a lot of ways.) We didn't want a clone, regardless of what you may think. What we did want was a good education and potential career for you -- maybe that was a mistake too; but one I'd do again.

(I think California suits you well!) What has always worried me is that you live from day-to-day with nothing to fall back on should you lose your job or be unable to work. You don't have a "career" or a field in which you will very likely be able to find work. These things may not be important, but one has to eat and have shelter. Regardless of thecarefree life I had from age 20 - 23 in NY, I always said if I turned 30 and was not married nor had a good job, I was going to seek a career (not just a job). So that's where I am coming from.

As far as doing what you want to do, I have never told you "don't move to California," "don't go to the Appalachian mountains," Don't ...whatever. You were always free to do what you wanted -- but you had to do it yourself. However, the Amazon and SA are violently dangerous as far as crimes as well as full of unknown and untreatable diseases. I think anyone who loved someone would try to talk them out of that project. But I do realize you are 34 and can do what you want. So, far be it from me to impede your desires.

I am not angry. I am concerned. Just let me know when and where you are going. Your dad has a HS reunion 6/30 - 7/3 in Staunton. He wants to drive. I said no so he is thinking about driving by himself in the truck! And I don't care. I have to get some work done. I think I will be at this job part time for quite a while yet.

Take care. I love you and will not worry (you know the saying "out of sight, out of mind" -- it worked with you guys in college!). Love, Mom