Full Circle

So we are
back where we left off at in 1994, where i abandoned the notion of god

i left there with almost nothing i came with- my church, my support network, hope, faith, belief, passion, my best friend. but i'd gained a few things- namely rage, cyncism and sheer independence

i basically left everything at the door and took off running;
i adopted mitchell's view of god, which was,
'either there is no god, or he's a son-of-a-bitch'
i chose the former
and that being said, took off, declaring myself better off. i was all i ever had anyway

and now a decade later, still trying to get my life to make sense, can't get past the anger and the bitterness
i've come to a stopping point; a wall if you will
my life coach told me that the problem is that i don't believe in anything
and basically, that my life wouldn't turn around until i did
so now we're full circle

and what a coincidence that is because my counting crows song came on today
one of the ones i used to listen to back in the rage days.
the line says
"believe in me, because i don't believe in anything"

and i remember being so thankful for monster for doing just that- believing in me when i didn't believe in anything anymore
and wanting so badly for someone to give me hope

now i'm being asked to believe again

in what? god? why? why is that necessary
what if there is no god
what if all our power comes from within us
and we go around asking for strength from some entity that doesn't even exist?
and all along we were doing it on our own strength, but not even realizing it.

i'm irritated to still be stuck at a point where i was over ten years ago.