the human race

I know i always complain about not having friends,
but i was just realizing how much easier it is without them

social dynamics
community
interpersonal relationships

it's all greek to me
i have no skills or ept whatsoever in these areas
they are like a mystery to me

i've said it before. i'll say it again,
i do MUCH better with animals
i don't get along too well w/ humans

being a part of a group of friends leaves me questioning myself
feeling awkward and 2nd guessing all the time. it pretty well sucks.

i met a cool girl on a trip in june. we totally bonded. opened up quickly to each other. she even told me she was so glad she met me cuz she was looking for amazing people just like me to create a community around her
we went out playing the next week, with another guy she had also just met.
and then i didn't hear from her for like a month. and come to find out, they'd done all these things together; taken a class together that she and i had talked about. call each other every day. she said, 'he's now my best friend.'
and it wasn't so much jealousy, as a feeling of confusion for me. was it something i said? was it something i didn't do? now she's created this group of friends that she gets together w/ frequently. i seem to be in on most of the invites, but the other boys on there are much closer. they are her confidants. so.... maybe she just is closer to guys. maybe it's my flakiness around community showing up and i haven't stepped up to the plate as much as the guys. maybe it's not me at all. maybe she wants guys to take care of stuff for her. i am the only girl who seems to be around. maybe it doesn't even matter.

exactly my point, tho. i end up doing this. i did this with the girls last year. when one would call the other and not me, i'd feel brushed off. i question. i end up sad. i donno. i feel socially inept.

anyway,
fuck, maybe a hut in ecuador in the middle of the jungle is my calling anyway.
jane gooddall style, you know. maybe there is a reason i totally suck at the human race. i wasn't meant to operate it in.
really hate the lonliness that comes with this whole way of being tho.
sigh

when (IF) will i ever figure it out!