A-ha

well, all of that overwhelming need to explain myself and this 'ludicrous' idea of leaving everything behind to trapse around the world seems to be disappating. more and more it seems crazier not to go -crazier to sit in traffic or deal with those insane people at work. now that is crazy!

I had an "A-ha" moment this week. it finally dawned on me why i have to go
I finally realized what i'm running from

It's the struggle.
what struggle, you ask?
EVERYTHING
Everything in my life is a struggle, and i'm 100 % burnt out from it. completely exhausted and drained in every way.
i can't do it anymore. It's an endless battle that can never be won. i just keep plugging away at it, and i'm tired. tired of running furiously only to end up in the same place. tired of trying to live simply in a complicated world.

This occurred to me after reading a few travel sites. i found one where the lady described her bowing out of the rat race to go travel as " intensive technology detox program". that's what it is. for me tho, it's more like 'societal detox'. i'm burnt out of everything and everyone except my son. (now what kind of fucking irony is it that i need to leave him to get a break from all the other annoyances.)

this dawned on me sometime yesterday, and it's one of those, 'thank god i finally figured out what this was' moments.
so i started making a mental list, and then i started realizing how true this is- how just about everything in my life really is a struggle. it's unbelievable. what am i always struggling with or battling against?

-junk mail (you buy 1 thing off the internet once, and are forever spammed with crap that takes 4x the effort to stop
-spam email (same thing here, visit one site, and you're bombared with spam)
-fighting traffic and hoards of humanity to do anything in this city; waiting on slow people and lines of people
-hurrying to get all my obligations done so i can do what I want to do
-never ending dishes, paper clutter, bills, mess, laundry, folding laundry, cleaning, shopping and cooking- it's overwhelming-takes all my time and keeps coming back- how does anyone keep this in check and have a life??
-fighting my body hair (even $8000 worth of the most advanced medical technology hasn't killed it) and it's all over the carpet, in my face, on the sink, all over the bathroom floor. it's maddening
-battling against the insanity, stupidity and apathy at work- a coniving bitchy, nosy coworker, a boss who doesn't believe in collection agencies and sales reps who run all kinds of stupid credit risk ads. it's a constant battle to get someone to listen to me; and they don't and it goes down just how i said it would, and then it's my problem
-the incessant gloom and the battle to keep myself from spiraling into depression when the sun doesn't come out for days
-the war my hormones rage on my body for 3 weeks every month, triggering my ibs and leading right into pms
-fighting the constant sugar cravings and stress based urges to stuff myself with all kinds of bad foods
-trying to eat healthy when the other household occupant seems hell bent on drinking himself to death at some point
-struggling to stay warm when i'm always cold
-those extra 10 pounds and the battle get myself to exercise regularly when the overwhelming urge is to lay on the couch
-struggling for serenity and quiet time in a loud, cluttered environment
-trying to 'figure' out who i want to be when i grow up and how to make a living doing something that i'd enjoy
-the money struggle- i never have enough
-fighting insanity and frustration daily because i'm working dead end jobs i hate- that pay crap, no less
-getting shit accomplished seems to be twice the struggle now that we're in the information technology. a simple phone call that took 2 mintues is now a 20 minute hold with an automated hell.
-fighting the apathy of the masses who think of no one but themselves and exercise a blatant disregard for the planet, using the reasoning, 'what do i care, by the time the consequences come around, i won't be here to see it'. thank you to "you know who" for this one. but it's a view more common than not. one i can't even wrap my brain around that just thinking about makes me defensive and crazy.