Quiet

i've been craving quiet like it's this mythical place somewhere over the rainbow

lately after work, when i "should" be exercising, i've been coming home and sitting on my couch
fuck everything there is to do
i just want to sit so still that i disappear
no tv, no lights. just quiet
for hours
that's all i want to do
finding the motivation to do anything else seems akin to getting up to go climb mt. everest
what is UP?
i've felt this way all month
change of weather? fall bus? gloom?
i donno. except for a few peaks of sun, it's been constant gloom for 6 days now

i just know that i am so sick of having a list of thing to do looming over my head
laundry, dishes, clean the kitchen, take the trash out, feed myself, my extra job, sell my stuff, fundraise, go to the courthouse to get a copy of my name change, market my writing, renew my passport, etc.
it's overwhelming. i just want ONE minute where there is nothing i have to do. nothing. everything is done
i used to have those moments in catalina. that's the last time i remember it. of course there was the eternal lingering question of who to be when i grew up. but i had 1 job, and there were days that the laundry was done, my little 1 room house was tidy, the bills were paid, and i'd called everyone i knew on the island. i remember being bored out of my mind, but god, what i wouldn't give for a piece of that now. there's definitely something to be said for tiny little studio apartments.