FREEDOM, sweet freedom

so it's been a hellacious weeek at the looney bin
and just in general i suppose
trying to eat healthy and not spend the $40 i have in my checking account until tuesday makes me want to do 2 things with a ferocious desire that it's almost impossible to deny: 1. eat every sugary thing not tied down and 2. spend that money

i've been really emotional too, for god knows why
i cried about missing interlochen yesterday
and then about missing kate
not really her so much, but about missing the feeling of being that close to someone
she was really the 1st person who ever hugged me; the only was who wasn't afraid to touch me
she said she loved me ; we were such opposites, but in a completely compatible way. we complemented each other so perfectly that we would refer to each other as 'my other half'. we even wore those necklaces with 1/2 a heart that together made one. i remember the audio tape letters she used to send me almost every day- and how they were like a miracle, brightening up my whole world; that relationship was one spot i could go to in order to escape my reality.
she was closer on a soul level than any guy i've ever dated. and that being gone has definitely left a void.

once again i have been so so devoid of any close human interaction for so long that i'm really starting to miss it

on the other hand, i have no ability to deal w/ people whatsoever, and i'd just assume live in the woods with my cat. dealing with people is just not in my skill set.

one of the pricks at the looney bin started to go off on me today and i got up and walked out. i mean, what kind of a constructive discussion ever starts out with "i don't know what your bitterness with the world is all about, but......"
fuck that. he's got a slew of emotional and maturity problems, i knew better than to even play his little 7 yr old on the playground game.

BUT, on the other hand, he is one of 3 people in that office of 12 that i don't speak to at all because i loathe passionately.
how ridiculous is that? i'm sick of this. i hate people. i really do. i have big blow outs with people, and then never talk to them again. that's what happens, time after time. with my bosses, boyfriends, friends, and coworkers. i've never ONCE had a job that i got along with everyone. never once had a job that there wasn't at least one person i hated so much i felt nauseous everyday when it came time to go to work.

aside from that, i am pissed off all the time. i'm tired of it. driving infuriates me. the world seems to be full of stupid idiots! i must be hard to get along with. if the common demoninator is always you, right? i have no conflict resolution skills, no people skills period. i feel walked on and taken advantage of daily.... i just don't know when people skils were taught, but i was absent. maybe they weren't. i've seen enough of these people like this prick to know that course must have been poorly taught, if at all. regardless, i seem to have less than most people have in the department of people skills. i've tried therapy and various other modalities along that line, and no one ever addresses that. no one ever tells me how to deal with the arrogant, dyslexic, incompetent creep who starts name calling and walks out of a room swearing when the conversation isn't going his way. or the nosy-ass control freak who won't stay out of my shit. i need someone to tell me how to A) not let these people push my buttons, B) how to respond to them, and C) for christ sake, how to stop attracting these bottom feeders in the first place into my jobs and relationships.

at the end of the day, i got the word that i had the day off tomorrow, and i swear to god, it was like someone had opened a cage on a wild animal. FREEDOM. nothing better. nothing. i mean, this one has a run on hot showers!!!!

anyway, what to do. i am so sick of myself and this life i keep creating the same way. it's like some stupid fool trying to put together a puzzle the wrong way, even tho he's tried it that way 95 times and knows it doesn't work. my life doesn't work. i hate my life. and i don't know how to do it any other way. i just don't. should i try therapy again? fuck if i know.
the last thing i want to do is run off again, thinking this time i'll solve it, and end up right back in the same place again. i just don't think i could take it.