Errands & Lies

3:39 pm
i realize i am amazingly lucky or spoiled or whatever to be "done" with my day at this hour
i feel more like frazzled. donno how these 9 to 5 ers do it frankly,

time to put my money where my big mouth is in regards to this trip
so far it's been talk- big talk
and an idea in my head; verbage
haven't set anything in motion or in stone until this week
i scheduled my vaccinations- $1180 worth, thank you
christ

that, i guess would be the point of no return
i realize it's only a sign post; a fictional marker on the trail
we've already catapulted way over the point of no return
this madness here has grown into intolerable and i fully well know that i have to get the fuck out of this life that isn't working
again....or is it still?
but this literally puts my money on the line

i've been a good little cog this week
forgoing exercise (forgot what that was anyway, with the time change and our measley version of fall)
and any kind of relaxation time for myself
been knee deep in those goddamn "to do" lists:
oil change, pay car reg, laser, sign up for paperless bills, send in parking ticket fine
basically spending all my "free" time giving my entire paycheck away to various entities who demand it, in order to sustain my current situation. that's the american dream isn't it? seems more like a nightmare to me

most days i can safely say, i got maybe an hour of contentment, either in a tv show, a mocha frapp (yes, i fell off the wagon), or a moment w/ my son, all day. that blows

and work..... where do i start with that? has become completely and utterly intolerable. 2 weeks ago they started inventorying everything, pulling asset reports, receivables, etc., coinciding w/ our worst month ever, where profit reports showed us losing $30,000 in one month. i was assured by not only my boss, by the 2nd in command, that everything was fine and that they were just applying for loans and such- not intending to sell the company.
so today, the 2nd in command forwards me an email from boss #1, without too carefully deleting their dialogue. and i notice the title of the email from their back n forth was "getting ready for a sale"
i email the 2nd in command, who had already assured me they were not planning to sell the company, "so we ARE selling the company??". and i get a round about response.

this is BULLSHIT!!!! obviously i have been filed under dispensable employee, replaceable trained monkey.
see, with this job, we have all be given a trade off. we have no official days off, holidays, health insurance, raises or year end bonuses to speak of (only what each of us has been able to finagle through a personal negotiation with the boss, which in my case, is only health insurance- no dental, and about 3 weeks of random vacation a year)
the trade off is working in a low key place and being able to take an afternoon off whenever we need to. i have not gotten 1 raise in 3 years; in fact i make less now than i did when i started. so we've traded away the corporate politics for making peanuts.

we've sacrificed having a 'career' or any kind of advancement to hang w/ this guy's fly-by-night operation. and somehow along the way, i deluded myself into thinking i may have become an esteemed 'collegue' rather than just some dispensable cog on a "need to know" basis. being left completely in the dark, and worse yet, flat out lied to, when paying my bills is dependent upon this paycheck just really blows. he at least owes us a straight answer. seems like everyone knows but us. and the writing is on the wall. we'd have to be stupid to miss it. just feeds right into my 'i don't matter' life theme.