Maladjusted

i'm feeling maladjusted
without much hope that things will ever be better
what did i put in that fears box at burningman?
i'm afraid that no one will ever love me
and
i'm afraid i'll never be ok

i see these shiny happy people wandering around
and yes, they are the ones with the shiny new car, which i can't see how i'll ever be able to afford
and the ones with the gorgeous 2 karat rock on their finger
they are bubbly and smiling
and i wonder if they have to deal with the shit i have to deal with
kindof the chicken vrs the egg question
did they become shiny happy because nothing bad has ever happened to them and they live in a candy-coated world?
or did they get all these great things because they are happy people?

i mean, do they deal with traffic?
jobs they hate?
nasty coworkers?
vet bills and not being able to afford social lives?

i doesn't matter i guess. it's not their lives i'm trying to fix. it's mine
i'm angry and scared and lonely
still
feel an extreme lack of everything

where was it that the fork in the road went straight to hell? it must've been a subtle sign post, because i missed it
probably looking down at the ground in fear of someone teasing me if i looked up!

i know that the gate was opened for me when i graduated HS
the oppression was over- mostly
but why couldn't i fly ?
was it like the baby elephants at the circus, who after being tied by a chain they couldn't break as a youngster, no longer are able to break free mentally even when they have the physical strength?
i think so

what messages did i graduate with? what was the indoctrination i was sent on my way to face the world with?
um... that i'm a freak of nature. that something is wrong with me, that i'm so unloveable that my own mother can't love me. that i'm stupid. that i don't fit in anywhere. that if i speak up or let anyone notice me, i'll get teased. that i'm incompetent, that nothing i do is ever good enough. that money is a struggle. everyone is always after your money. that work sucks, and you do it because you "should". that i was a nuisance, an unwanted obligation. that people who you let get close to you will betray you and hurt you. to not trust anyone. that i'm ugly. that no one wants me. that boys are assholes who find me repulsive and non-human, forget attractive.

now how does all that translate to what i'm dealing with now? to the sucky life i keep creating?
i mean, it's ridiculous to think that someone with all that drilled into her brain and then finally let loose, could break free from it and suddenly think the world is a shiny happy place full of opportunity and nice people. really, everyone critizices me for my anger, but christ. where was i supposed to go with that? how was i supposed to discard everything i was ever taught to create a reality i didn't even know existed? people have done it. maybe they are stronger or more visionary. i mean, look at oprah, she's not crabbing about how shitty her childhood was. how did she do it? more importantly, how do i do it?
how do i believe that people are good and worth of trust? that i am capable, smart, and attractive enough that someone will want to date me? that i can do whatever i want? when all i see is evidence to the contrary?

FRUSTRATED in my hamster wheel.