Mental Meanderings

LA Blows
miles per hour does not apply here
more like minutes per mile
today it took me 30 mintues to drive 5 miles
maddening
i'm so done with LA
no wonder there is so much road rage here
aside from the traffic, this city is filthy with no heart
everyone's selfish bad mood and the constant trash all over the streets gets depressing

i was talking today with a coworker about what i'll do when i get back from my trip
told him, i donno. while i'm away, i hope to god to finally have some epihany about what the hell to do with my life
and the direction of 'what to do next' will be obvious
he told me, 'you should sell your car and move to NY'
and that idea really took up roots in my brain
NY has been talking to me lately
it was always in the plan
i don't know how i got so far from it
no one in the world loved NY more than me, growing up
and lately i've been wanting to visit so badly
i could so see going there next
i'm SOOO over driving and traffic
god, how great to not have to drive
and to have a city with heart
only problem with that, except for the impossible cost of living of course, is that i've gotten pretty into outdoor stuff. can't see where there'd be an outlet for that stuff there.
but we'll see

maybe my whole life will be just about running off and doing things i wish i would've done in my 20s.
lonely but filled with adventure......

new topic.
Heroin sucks
i hate it
fucking life-sucking shit
g is going down that road again
last time i begged and pleaded and tried to get her not to do it, naively thinking that ANYTHING i would do or say would matter, thinking that i could care enough to make a difference
but i now realize that it doesn't matter how much i care
doesn't matter what i do or say
I don't matter
nothing i can say will get her to see that she is too bright, unique and amazing to throw her life away to some stupid drug
that just blows
i feel helpless
and somewhat upset that sentiments of anonymous strangers seem to mean more to her
oh well

she said something so profound. she said, 'i don't want the rest of my life to happen to someone else.'
that the last 13 years have been a blur.
god, i could cry buckets over that.
you know, at least she has a good reason for that. the death of a love
what the hell is my excuse? my life is unlived, miserable and boring, for no particular reason at all

the bus is revving up here- big time