Unpleasant Things

I think i have to quit my 2nd job. i felt pretty confident in my bookkeeping skills, but this job is continuously kicking my ass.
funny how that fucks with my whole self esteem. i start questioning my sanity and my intelligence. it's not often that i come across something that i'm not smart enough to figure out. and when i do, it feels like absolute shit. i just can't wrap my brain around his whole process- incurring the costs, and then billing it out to his clients, and cross referecing all the bills with the invoices, job #s and commissions. it feels like junior year math, when i just reached the limit of my understanding. well, so much for any delusions about being a free lance bookkeeper! not that i had any delusions of this being my dream career, but i was leaning on it as a back up source to pay the rent, if i ever needed it.

one of the absolute worst feelings in the world is having a problem that i can't find a solution to. anytime i have a problem, ANY problem, my mind goes on auto-drive, brainstorming until i come up with a resolution. aside from being a TOTAL pain in my ass today, bugging the shit out of me while they knew i was at my other job- emailing me 10 times and calling 3, i got to a point today where i just couldn't do about 1/2 of what he was asking for, and i just think i have to give up. and that feels like absolute crap. especially since this is such an easy going guy, the hours are flexible, he's just about the nicest, most generous person to work with. and i can't hang? that blows. especially since what he's asking for- a report that tracks income against expenses per job, doesn't seem like too much to ask for. but i'm tired of coming up short- feeling like i can't give him what he needs. tired of being stressed over this job that is in reality, only 5-7 hours per week.

i don't like things that are hard. period. if i can't achieve a high mastery at something, i don't want to do it at all. because feeling like a failure at something tears my already overly-sensitive, ridiculously fragile self-esteem to shreds instantly. the last time i felt like this was at the magazine, right before i quit. i told them i could build them a website, and they put me through the worst kind of emotional hell because i couldn't program a back-end database. at the time i was too involved and naive and underconfident to realize that they were making completely unreasonable demands and that i should've told them to go fuck themselves.

at any rate, i'd SOOO like to declare, once and for all, that i'm not going to do anymore things that make me feel yucky, that i dread, hate, or suck at.

but this is bad timing for such declarations. i really need the money for my trip, especially since the dental work i thought i could get my boss to pay for, is going to have to come out of my pocket. and my renewed committment to doing capoeira 2x per week is going to cost me an extra $95 a month.
sigh. how do i ever win this war with 'GOD MONEY'?

today just blew. i was working hard at clearing out most of the last of dumb-fuck's (a.k.a-satan) expired classified ads at the looney bin. (his job, by the way, but since he's not doing it, I am). didn't get lunch or a single break until 3 pm. while i was there, my other job was pestering the hell out of me with the aforementioned 10 emails and 3 calls that i blew off. then fought through traffic just to get to the bank and home with a few near accidents, then had to go right to figuring out all these emails when i got home, even tho i was completely brain fried. which i didn't end up doing- i went to capoeira instead, good for me. but you know? MANY people do this everyday. i'm sorry, but NO FUCKING THANKS. that existence just sucks hard. and i'm not interested. it's gotta be better than this. HAS to.


the other unpleasant feeling- dizziness. there are several capoeira moves (1 in particular) that makes the whole goddamn room spin, and THAT is waaaay up there on the "worst feelings in the world" list. i gotta put that right under nausea and the "V" word.

on an aside, i feel old. my god, trying to do this sport now, compared to 3 years ago is like day and night. my knees feel arthritic, i feel like i'm carrying around 50 pounds, i'm less flexible, and it feels like i'm fighting my body on every move. i'm just hoping to god to gain back what ever it is i had by committing to keeping this up.

but i will say something nice, my last 2 capoeira classes had a bunch of men to look at- flexible, gentle, cute men who can do kartwheels. man, how 5 is that?