Happy New Year

Well, it's not so bad
Spent the day with my roommate
we took a drive up the coast
explored a rainy, mellow saturday
then ate some take-out indian food
and now sitting on my comfy warm couch with the most important 'person' in my life- my son
nice to be with him to bring in the new year.
i'm watching times square, and reveling in the anticipation of being there next year!

as expected, i'm feeling a little introspective (altho, pleasantly NOT on a bus)- taking a bit of mental inventory. another year marker is here. i'd pledged to get my life together by 30. then extended it to 35. well, that's here.....

i was reading through the writer's market today, and kindof had an epiphany of sorts-
the question that haunts my life seems to be 'what do i want to be when i grow up?' and all of the other things i want seem to be held up by the unanswered state of that question. i kept thinking all week, i can't imagine any 'job' that i'd love so much that i actually looked forward to it. work just sucks, right? most people just suck up that fact and deal whereas i'm too stubborn to accept it, yes??

today, i was reading through the writer's market and it dawned on me- advertising / publishing. maybe that's my field.
i mean most people stumble or gravitate into a field they love, and then they spend their 20s exploring different jobs in that field until they find their niche. I, on the other hand, have meandered around all over creation with no rhyme or reason, dancing in and out of career fields aimlessly. but i've been in the publishing industry now since 2000. and i really do like it.
i don't like i'd like bookkeeping 1/2 as much if i wasn't sitting in the art dept of a publication.

and what i didn't realize until today, was that there are more jobs than i ever stopped to consider in that industry-
not just in the art department, or publishing my own magazine. i could be editor. or something else. wow.

suddenly it seemed that maybe, just MAYBE, all the wild divergent strings were coming together-
that all my interests and abilities- photography, design, writing, creativity, psychology, inspirational expression. it could all be tied into that field.

advertising , with a minor in photography- that was clearly the career choice- the major, i should've chosen.
i started thinking of what a dope i've been for missing all the signals.
in high school i joined the yearbook staff and LOVED it. love love loved it. I didn't even know it at the time, but what i was doing was page layout!!!! duh!

i was such a dumb-ass in college. i didn't look around at careers. all i did was sit on my butt and read through the majors listed in the hand-book, and then chose the only one i was familiar with.

after freshman year, there was interlochen. we made puff painted shirts. and then junior year, we made broad shirts. they were amazing. my creativity was beginning to unfold. then the 1st year after college, i remember distinctly going to a craft show with mom in columbia. i stopped at a nature photographer's exhibit, mesmerized, staring like a deer in headlights. i remember mom getting bored and sending her off. she went through the whole craft fair and came back, only to find me still soaking it up. i knew then that was what i wanted to do with my life. i looked into interning with national geographic. i remember the disappointing findings- they choose ONE person each year- a student who wins their competition. i was no longer a student, so in my typical quitter fashion, that was the end of that.

and i donno why it never surfaced earlier, but my creativity exploded that year. i cut out pieces of cardboard, wrote poems or quotes and started illustrating around them in puff paint. i painted picture frames, i painted my dresser- i painted everything that didn't move. god that was the year i had it most together (ironically, that was when my dad told me i needed to get my life together). i've yet to achieve such balance since. i wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that i was only working 4 hours a day. hmmmmm... i volunteered at a food bank, played in a community band, sang in the church choir, and had a group of friends. i was paid to hang out on the playground, play with toys, and devise crafty, fun ways to entertain 3 yr olds. what a job! aside from living with the ps, life was good!!

anyway, i digress.
4 years of teaching about killed the creative streak, and living in a small town toilet precluded taking any college courses. by the end of pageland, my college burnout was gone, i was ready to go back to school. so charlotte was a dream come true. life in a city. college courses. i took graphic design and photography the 1st year, and loved them both. then ice skating. bliss.
so there was design showing up again.

i always remember being interested in advertising, even as i didn't believe in it as a highly respectable profession. graphics, images, color, layout, expression, writing- i was drawn to it.

i found a bunch of career profiles from high school as i was going thru my hope chest this christmas at the p's house. i was surprised to find advertising and photography were listed as careers. why didn't i follow them?

as i said earlier, i feel like i'm closer than i've ever been to figuring it out, figuring ME out. for someone as ridiculously analytical, pensive and solitary as me, i was ridiculously non self-aware as a young adult. i didn't know who i was or what i liked. i mean, i spent my childhood trying to blend in, to morph to my surroundings as to not draw attention to myself or be singled out in a crowd. i had no concept of who i was. i was whoever the present company was looking for - whatever was attractive, charming, cool or desirable at the time, that's who i was. i became the chameleon- to avoid teasing, in hopes of fitting in, being accepted or liked. so much so, that i never stopped to think of who I was. I never had the confidence to be myself.

So it's been a long process of self-discovery. and even tho by every standard, my life is still lacking in any measurable success- husband, house, kids, career, money, etc, etc. i'm closer than i ever have been- to knowing who i am and what works for me.

if i could just figure out how to make a good living in this world- to support myself well; to find my passion, my voice and my calling- then all the other pieces could fall into place. i've been so in survival mode in regard to money, that i haven't been able to progress past surviving into thriving in any area of my life.

god, if there is a force in this universe, puLEASE let these random pieces fall into place SOON.
wouldn't it be great if all my random meanderings actually were leading me somewhere?

one of the amazing women in my life said something so cool to me last month.
i was talking about my trip- telling her that half the time i feel like such a failure, running off to south america because i can't make my life here work; because i had no path or direction whatsoever. and she brought out this book by mr rogers- and read to me a passage about a ship and a rudder. In response to my 'directionless' statement, she told me, 'no, you're on a ... what do you call it? (translating from her spanish train of thought), a track' , she said. 'even though you can't see it, your rudder is guiding you to where you need to be, to the jungle' that is one of the coolest things anyone has ever said to me. she SOO goes in my hall of champions for that. for believing in me even when i don't believe in myself- that is the mark of a great leader and an amazing woman!

if i have a new year's wish, that would be it- that all my aimless wandering thus far, this whole meandering mess, has all been some predesigned plan, some invisible track, leading me right to where i finally belong.