Revving

I'm just now re-joining my life already in progress from the christmas break and the weeklong illness i had.
it's like i just woke up this week- like a bear awakening from hiberation.
all of sudden there is all this energy and motivation- i want to be healthy, eat healthy, get back into capoeira, play, have friends, do fun things, get out in the world.

i bought myself a pair of hot pink chuck taylors today. i needed a break from holing myself up in a tiny little corner of his couch in a dark little basement apartment, burying my face in the computer, doing research, every second of everyday dedicated to getting to south america, saving every penny, denying myself any luxuries or frivolous fun, shutting out the outside world, not going anywhere, doing anything, or having a social life.

i mean, kudos to me for keeping all that up since april! for me, that's a hell of a record! but damn, i needed to do something fun. i need to be social once in a while. i needed to blow $55 on a pair of hot pink shoes goddammit! "i deserve it", i told myself. and i realized how infrequently i say that to myself- how infrequently i believe it.

the dance has been insane lately. but that's another story.

i've been anxious lately.

my boss is selling the company. what we were all fearing is coming to pass. it looks like i will still have a job. in fact, it looks like i will get a promotion. he said i will take on accounts payable- i'll be THE bookkeeping department- i'll be in charge of the whole works, what i've been wanting for some time.

and that of course brings me mixed feelings. there's the fickle logic of my parents rallying in my head- the last stand of my virgo child's weakening hold- telling me, "maybe you shouldn't go travel. you may finally have a C-A-R-E-E-R going. maybe you will finally be 'making' it. why run away from that?" i mean who gets a big break and a promotion and then runs off leaving that on the table? it's hard enough to find a job in this society, ANY job. am i crazy to run from that?

but that brings me to the reason for this trip in the first place. i started thinking, ok so if i didn't go travel, then what?
i'd be making enough to afford an apt here. if i'm REALLY doing well, then i'd have enough to put a few hundred dollars away each month. maybe have enough time and money for 1 hobby and some social time. after a year or 2, maybe i can put down a downpayment on a house. then 30 years later, retire............

i'm sorry, but there's just gotta be more than that! HAS to be. that just doesn't do it for me. there has to be some passion. some reason to get up in the morning. some purpose and joy to life beyond going to a mildly tolerable job every day, staring into a box, driving a desk, coming home, fixing dinner and then rotting in front of another screen, just to get up and do it all over again the next day. my dad followed that scenario, and look where he's at. i keep wanting and needing the freedom of an entrepreneurial lifestyle, but lacking the guts to take the responsibility and do the work.

today i got to work, and lucy-fur was there, using the bookkeeping software. after a 1/2 hour of mindlessly surfing the net, and getting frustrated at having my time wasted, i called her, only to find that she would be on the books for another hour. SO I LEFT!!!! told her i was going to run errands, and i went home to work on cutting the paychecks for my other company- something i was gonna have to rush around and do on my lunch hour. so i went home, did that work, dropped off the paychecks, packed a lunch, and went back to work. and it was AMAZING!!!!! to feel free! to drive around during the day while other people were sitting at desks, to have control of my time. and it occured to me, THAT would make me happy. a job where i dictated my own time. freedom is truly the most alluring thing in life to me. doesn't matter if i choose to do nothing with my own time, there is NOTHING better than being in control of my own time. nothing.

sigh. in other news, i wish someone would blow up the history channel, the discovery channel, and TLC.