Anxious

Unfortunately i think i inherited my mother's neurotic tendencies. like her, i am just wound too damn tight. nervous energy, anxiety. didn't really click until i saw her taking anxiety meds at christmas. she gave me some that were prescribed for ibs. i took a few, and felt so relaxed that i was like, "whoah, fuck the anti-depressants, THIS is what i need. something to take the edge off- a little 'everything's ok". . subsequently, they haven't had the same calming effect tho. :(
(sigh). i donno.

I'm sitting here listening to Kitaro on the headphones- in a room that's dark and quiet- finally- thank god.
man, kitaro is a blast from the past!!! somewhat bus-able, but for now, just nostalgic and sweet, like the lost navité of my youth. "light of the spirit" comes on and is like a miracle to me. the only song on the album with vocals- sounds like the voice of angels. so sweet. i remember each note as i did 15 years ago. gave me hope then. gives me hope now. takes me to another place. a magical one, outside my head. i could listen to that one song all night.

my lip is chapped, and lately i've been picking at it like crazy. i just feel so anxious. about anything. about everything.
i'm worried about my funky mamogram and what the next test will show in a few months- right b4 i leave

wondering what's gonna happen with the buyout at my company. anxious that the looney bin drives me insane and wondering how much more i can take. and why does satan bother me so much? i hate him. i mean HATE. not like i want to kick his ass, but like i want him to go away. like i would give a month's salary to personally strap him onto a martian rocket and light it with one of his cigarettes. what is it about him that sends me home telling him off in long conversations to myself? that despises him with so much venom? he doesn't do anything TO me, but his pompous arrogance coupled with his complete incompetence drives me absolutely wild. maybe it's my "it's not fair" thing? i hate that he has so much power of my contentment. fuck him. and lucy-fur too. same deal. they should be castrated and sent off to a leper colony- on MARS!

i'm bored into stress over the monotony of everything- the sameness of one day seemlessly flowing into the next......
days go by without any joy whatsoever; where everything was just rote and work. empty little worker cog with the occasional solace of a mocha frappuchino, breaking up the tedium.

i'm wondering the meaning of it all. this obviously falls short of a meaningful life for me. but that begs the question- what would fill me up? what's it all about? what IS important in this life? doing something that saves the planet? helps others? adventure? i donno. where's the answer to that question? and what if i don't find it trapsing around another continent? what if i'm just lonely and scared and as confused as ever? what if i don't have a great ephipany about what to be when i grow up? what will i do when i return? will i return? who's gonna watch my son? (this one's breaking my heart). he's so depressed, and what am i gonna do about it? leave him.. he's the ONLY happy spot in my world, and i'm gonna leave him? what kindof crap is that?

terrified of actually going on this trip. am i actually going? good god, this was much less scary as a crazy idea in my head. i don't think i actually even thought up until this point, that i WAS actually gonna do this. there's so much stuff to do, to get rid of, to buy. decisions to make. will it be as great as it is in my head? i mean, my online travel buddy is such a care-free, easy going spirit. i'm not at all like that. how will i fare on the road on my own? what if i'm not really running from this life here but from myself? what if i'm just a neurotic, pissed off, stressed out, miserable person on the road too? god, that would SO suck. stressed out, probably. but the pissed off, miserable person would have to subside just due to the fact that i finally have my freedom. i donno. uncertainty makes me crazy, but that's what this whole trip is all about. i entrench myself so deeply in these ruts that i have to pry myself away with such force, that it ends up being a wild and crazy thing like this to break free of it. what if i return and settle right back into the same existence. i couldn't take that.

i guess all this is fear of the unknown.
i guess i'm just so sick of everything in my life that has been so painfully, inextricably the same for so many years that i've subconsciously planned it out this way so that i have no choice but to rip myself out of all the habits that keep me stuck. this is not like complaining that i can't stand my job but being lured by the easy schedule and how spoiled i am to stay put. not like trying to stay away from the ex who only lives 3 blocks away when you're lonely and making new friends is such a pain. This trip will circumvent any lack of will power. i won't be able to stay stuck. It will guarantee that i break completly free- every tie will be cut. i will be completely extricated from this rut and everything and every person, every habit that i haven't been able to free myself of on my own. i won't be able to lean on any of my crutches.
Tired of battling my laziness and the fear of the unknown (what keeps me stuck) with willpower alone, i've cut my own umbilical cord, and i know it. and it's freaking me out. Because if i can't lean on the past, i have to look completely to the future, and that's scary as hell.