2 A.M. and all is Hell

it's 2 am
roommate is snoring
i am coughing
and my son is puking

would somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?
because i give up. REALLY!

all was so on track for my trip. had an amazing session w/ a shaman in feb who set it so clear- this is what i should be doing, everything was great. good energy. momentum. then crash.

peanut throws up twice 2 weeks ago. between running him to the vet, keeping a vigil on him all night, worrying about what was wrong, and doing some extra bookkeeping work for my friend, that whole week was shot, along with my nerves and assurance that this trip was the right thing to do

sunday of last week, i attend a sierra club beach party, and let myself have some fun. had an amazing time.
that night, came down with a sore throat from hell, and spent the ENTIRE last week flat on my ass with this thing- an unwelcome gift from my coworker who's kid caught it at daycare. don't even get me started on that. if i had signed up to be a mother, i might've not minded getting her kid's crap, but i want no part of that whole mother thing.

and this thing has been like the mother fucking plague. i don't remember the last time i was so sick. i can't imagine a child surviving it; by saturday night i was sending out messages to anyone who would listen: "universe, creation, god?? anyone out there? please get me over this thing soon or just kill me right now, because i just can't take it anymore."

my sore throat was so bad, i was wondering if i had mono again, or strep. couldn't even swallow or talk. snot pouring down my throat and out my nose in nasty colors, building up in the corner of my eyes, aching, constant coughing. i woke up this morning and when i opened my eyes, all i could see was a wall of haze until i cleared my eyes.

today, sunday, 7 days into it, i finally feel the slightest bit better, altho my throat still hurts like hell.
i watch gray's anatomy and get so fired up, i can't sleep. i listen to a CD to try to fall asleep. take it off and try to sleep; roommate who has now caught the plague is snoring. put earphones back on and listen to an hour long meditation CD. take it off and fall asleep. wake up coughing violently. prop myself up for another night of sleeping sitting up. finally relax.
NO LESS than 1 minute later, peanut is throwing up again.

MOTHER OF GOD. what? please, could someone come the fuck down here and translate? because, seriously? i haven't a clue.
all i know is i've meandered around my entire adult life searching for something, feeling empty as hell and wondering what it took to feel full or happy. i finally find what i think that is, and push it away in fear. it comes back so strong that i decide to obey this voice, even tho it means leaving absolutely everything behind, including my son, who i absolutely adore.
i spend a year and 4 months in absolute dedication to making this happen- every dime i make, every second of free time, every ounce of energy- literally- is put towards this trip. and it had magical energy. and despite numerous obstacles at first, started a forward momentum flowing.

and then, just like that, hit the wall. my breast issue lingers. Peanut is sick and i don't know why. I am sick. my mother found out and the expected freak-out insued. all that have brought such a nasty, awful energy to this trip. it doesn't even seem like i should go. seems like the universe is doing everything it can to stop me from going. why would it do that? whatever energy or force out there who's doing that is the same one who put the voice in my head to go in the first place. the same one that convinced me to sacrifice an entire year of my life to this cause.

some people decide to travel, and in a few weeks time, they just go. why is it so fucking hard for me to get there? why does there have to be all this drama and emotional turmoil? seems like i'm doing war- all i want to do is go, and every army in the world is fighting me, pulling out every card to stop me from going. i'm sick of it. seems impossible to believe that after wasting over an entire year of my life in dedication to this goal, it may not happen. i guess my test wed will shed some light on the outcome.