Will Firefly ever fly free?

today's mammo was supposed to just be a quick check, all clear, then i an go w/ my mind at ease.
i've been soaking in epson salts with peroxide,
taking numerous supplements
staying away from sugar and coffee
putting castor oil packs on....

yet it was all fucked up.
recommendation- surgical biopsy.
2 fucking weeks before my plane takes off?
what the bloody fuck?

why can't i just go like every other person who gets the notion in her head to travel?
why does it have to be so hard? why does it feel like such a fight? why does there have to be all this drama?
why did i have to get fired when i was going to quit anyway?
why did my son have to get sick? why all this medical drama?

if the shaman was right, as i've always suspected, about this being the next step and that there's nothing here for me, then why would something crop up to prevent me from going? doesn't make sense.
is it all just random? like there is no god and no order and nothing is for any reason at all? it just is. just random? i'm starting to think so.

If i had to guess, i'd say this is about fear. this started last april, as i was moving out of my apt. of 6 years- the place i loved, the one i had an unnatural attachment to. all to step into some unknown, to follow the dream that was so terrifying to me, it took me 34 years to even let myself envision it. and then a year of anticipation of it, while in a deteriorating situation at work, living with someone who is my polar opposite in living style. it's been very stressful.

if i had to guess, i'd say this is Virgochild's last card she has to play. 'well, if i can't talk any sense into ya, i can't manipulate you by guilt, then i'll break down your body to keep you here, to keep you safe.'

safe...............
how ridiculous. there really is no such place

i told my friend Ro, that cancer is a disease of resentment. what did i resent tho?
and i realized it's my parents, for creating that virgo child in my head. my mother is in my head. to appease them, i split in 2, creating 2 different personas- the good little girl who plays it safe and conservative, according to their standards, and firefly, the essence of who i really am. find it amazing actually, that i kept my spirit in tact by creating another person.
what i resent them for is the war that's been raging in me all my life, against these 2 forces. i resent them for instilling in me all their bullshit, small minded values, for being so critical and judgemental and unaccepting of me; for trying to control me.
maybe i take that resentment out on my body because i feel like they've been internalized in me.
crazy, far fetched?

all i know is that this whole trip- getting to SA- has felt like a struggle. i feel like if i just get there......
i'll have made it. and to come soooo close?...........
i can't stay here sitting around at the whims of surgeons, like a carved up piece of meat, letting them cut into my body. doctors, hospitals, sterile rooms without windows. then what? where? how to make an income while i'm sitting around waiting. that whole process takes any control out of my hands. i'm again a tree in the wind, waiting for someone else to decide my fate. that's what all this resentment was in the first place- feeling like i have no choice.
i can't see how waiting around for them to cut or poison something out of me, feeling envious and slighted that everyone else gets to travel and i don't, will create any healing.

just seems like this is one last ditch effort to stop me from taking that step into the future, into the unknown.

End of the Innocence

"When happily ever after fails,
and we've been poisoned by these fairy tales....
this is the end of the innnocence"

what amazing lyrics.
i feel like that so fits right now.
let's play along w/ this mid-life crisis reaching the age of 35 thing
and say it all ties in...

so much is the same now since when i was say 16. a few things are very different.
same- the reality around me is so far from where i want to be.
same- i feel ignored, walked on and like i have very little control over anything in my life.
major difference:
i used to believe that people were good. i was so innocent and naive. i thought people were decent, that everyone had a sense of morality and ethics, and that if i came down to it, they would do the right thing. i believed i would meet the man of my dreams and live happily ever after. i believed that if i believed in it enough, i could do anything.

boy, fairy tales die hard. now, when a song or something reminds me of high school, i have this sweet nostalgia. not that things were good then. they weren't. but i miss that innocence. first kisses and warm fuzzies and the eternal hope that people were kind and that i could make a difference in the world; that anyone could. back then, i knew that everything around me sucked, but that as soon as i got free from all those shackles, that i was just gonna soar- leaving all those people in the dust. but instead, i've just created the same miserable scenario over and over again, in different places, with different people, in some infinite loop.

my eyes have been opened to the true reality of people and the world we live in
... that people are not necessarily good at heart. people lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, dominate, blame, defame, step on others to get ahead, compensate for their own inadequacies by making those around them look bad, say one thing and do another, avoid responsibility... they are often harsh, cruel, immature, self-serving, arrogant, subservise, hateful, vengeful, bitter, judgemental, volatile, critical, cold-blooded, disloyal, greedy, unethical, apathetic and callous.

the reality is that justice doesn't always prevail, that assholes who screw people over get rich, while devoted followers of god lose their children to horrible dieases, where doing the right thing doesn't count for much, and competence and loyalty are trumped by manipulation and corporate alliances.

i prefer the innocence, thank you. it may have been a rose colored view of the world. i may have been angry for not getting what i needed from those around me, but i i had hope, and that was infinitely better than the jaded view i have now. granted, i know there is good out there- little pockets of it. and some people manage to live in a world more like the one i believed in as a child- where people are kind and friendly. but MY reality has been more of the ugly.

i just don't know how to survive in that ugly world. i'm much too sensitive for it. i have no tolerance for bullshitting and sucking up to assholes just to keep my job. the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. how can i open up and let anyone know me when people can be such assholes? god, that's why i LOVE animals. there's NONE of that. no evil intentions, no backstabbing or canniving or ulterior motives, or pretending to be your friend just to screw you.
my shell is much too soft for this harsh world. especially for this city- where every man is out for himself. me, me , me.

every now and again, i'll get a glimpse of what life would be like if i could have what i wanted. great, cute, devoted husband, working for myself and loving it, friends, ........and then i turn around and look at where i am, and it seems like pipe dreams. like there's no way to get there from here. i'm trying to get to disneyland, but i'm on mars. like bugs bunny when he got rocketed off to another planet. altho- he found a way home- my hero!

just can't see having this happy life where i have friends and guys are interested in me, and i get along with people and have successful relationships. i used to think x was damaged emotionally beyond repiar, but i think i probably am too.

where to go from here?
it's been the shittiest few weeks. poison energy. wrestling demons. vet bills, doctor bills, illness that won't leave, getting fired, the ongoing breast saga.........

the thought occured to me today- if i do have a terrible disease, maybe it isn't the worst thing. people say cancer is the 'best thing that ever happened to them' because it's a wake up call. well, fuck all that. for me, maybe it would be a welcome end to a miserable life that isn't going to work anyway. an early "out" from years of suffering ahead; a chance to go to a better place, or to be re-born into a better life. i don't want to live the rest of my life this alone and unhappy. this unknown and unwanted. so while the gods of fate are once again determining my fate, i just hope the end result is either bestowing on me some miracle skills at getting along in this world, or an early end to a life that will always be miserable. while i would SO much prefer A) - a chance of actually achieving happiness on this planet, i can't see how that could possibly come about.
very sobering and sad place to be at right now.
kind of "give up". tired of fighting. just do with me what you will, whoever's in charge, cuz i'm clearly not.

Enough Already!

Hello,
would someone take the fucking pin out of back? i feel like a human vodoo doll, being continually fucked with
Got fired today.
my head is spinning.
everything in the universe seemed to be trying to stop me from going on my trip, and then whamo, the rug here is ripped out from under me. i'm backed into a corner. i hate when i have no control. when my choices are taken away from me.

crazy thing is, i had planned on quitting today. and satan sent me some god-awful venemous email, which i stumbled into, in a total haze of sleeplessness, congestion and june gloom in may. i requested that the boss deal with it as he has done me when i write such "inflammatory" emails. he basically tells me, "you deal with it". so fuck him, i say. he has no respect for me. so why do i need to give him a month notice?

my coworker tells me at 1 pm , that the boss is gone for the day. well, he had one more thing on his list of things to do today before he left: fire me. funny thing is, everytime i get called in, i'm afraid i'm gonna get fired. and he always rolls his eyes at me for it.

this time he really was firing me. i was stunned. in shock. felt at first like, whatever. no problem. the end result is the same; come june 9th, i don't have a job. but whereas quitting would've left me in control, empowered, this leaves me feeling completely disempowered and disrespected. the more time passed, the more pissed off i got.

it's so wrong, up and down and sideways. on so many levels.
me and the production lady and the main sales lady fucking RUN that company. i've given him over 3 and 1/2 years of loyal dedication, of consistent results without him having to ride me or prod me to do so. same with the other 2 gals. and i am the most versatile one there- often pinch hitting for the art department.

2 weeks ago he was offering me some editorial assignments, last week, promising me that "the writing was on the wall", that i would take over lucy-fur's job, offering to send me to accounting classes, sitting down with me to show me how he had it all planned out, that we would make a profit, heaping more and more responsibility on me. and this week, he's like, "see ya".
i mean, what slaps me in the face the most is this: "we can wrap it up now or we can give it 2 weeks". WHAT ????
he's been telling me for YEARS how incompetent lucy-fur is, how he doesn't even like her, how she makes everything a big drama scene, how she fucks everything up, how he has to ride her to get anything done, but that he had loyalty to her.
(why, because he slept with her?) fuck me. yet, when he cut her hours back, he gave her a MONTH notice, (which turned into several) AND found her another job. yet, he's willing to kick my ass on the street with NO notice? meanwhile, leave the books hanging, in the middle of the month? with no training to the new person? what the FUCK???
and i think back. he's given consultant guy a month notice, and social butterfly a month's notice. and kept satan on even though he's shown himself time and again to be belligerant, incapable, and has costing him tens of thousands of dollars in lost revenue. what makes it okay to throw me on my ass in 2 weeks? one of the most productive and versatile employees he has?

i swear the ex is behind this. has to be something personal.
and then to hand me some bullshit line about some lady seeking him out and offering to do my job at 1/2 the price? don't insult my intelligence. i'm too smart and too intuitive to buy such crap. handing me some bullshit story only disrespects me. i deserve more than that. just fucking tell me the truth. whatever it is. adult to adult.

i've never seen the man fire anyone. and we've had some people in there so fucking stupid that they couldn't even figure out to turn on their own computer. and no offer of cutting back my hours, or taking on other job functions. he could've given me lucy-fur's job and saved her salary.

something is "off" here. who does that? who rips someone's job out from under them and kicks them onto the street just because they found someone else cheaper? who does that?
i must've done something to piss him off. seriously. just fucking level with me. don't make me wonder.

2 A.M. and all is Hell

it's 2 am
roommate is snoring
i am coughing
and my son is puking

would somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?
because i give up. REALLY!

all was so on track for my trip. had an amazing session w/ a shaman in feb who set it so clear- this is what i should be doing, everything was great. good energy. momentum. then crash.

peanut throws up twice 2 weeks ago. between running him to the vet, keeping a vigil on him all night, worrying about what was wrong, and doing some extra bookkeeping work for my friend, that whole week was shot, along with my nerves and assurance that this trip was the right thing to do

sunday of last week, i attend a sierra club beach party, and let myself have some fun. had an amazing time.
that night, came down with a sore throat from hell, and spent the ENTIRE last week flat on my ass with this thing- an unwelcome gift from my coworker who's kid caught it at daycare. don't even get me started on that. if i had signed up to be a mother, i might've not minded getting her kid's crap, but i want no part of that whole mother thing.

and this thing has been like the mother fucking plague. i don't remember the last time i was so sick. i can't imagine a child surviving it; by saturday night i was sending out messages to anyone who would listen: "universe, creation, god?? anyone out there? please get me over this thing soon or just kill me right now, because i just can't take it anymore."

my sore throat was so bad, i was wondering if i had mono again, or strep. couldn't even swallow or talk. snot pouring down my throat and out my nose in nasty colors, building up in the corner of my eyes, aching, constant coughing. i woke up this morning and when i opened my eyes, all i could see was a wall of haze until i cleared my eyes.

today, sunday, 7 days into it, i finally feel the slightest bit better, altho my throat still hurts like hell.
i watch gray's anatomy and get so fired up, i can't sleep. i listen to a CD to try to fall asleep. take it off and try to sleep; roommate who has now caught the plague is snoring. put earphones back on and listen to an hour long meditation CD. take it off and fall asleep. wake up coughing violently. prop myself up for another night of sleeping sitting up. finally relax.
NO LESS than 1 minute later, peanut is throwing up again.

MOTHER OF GOD. what? please, could someone come the fuck down here and translate? because, seriously? i haven't a clue.
all i know is i've meandered around my entire adult life searching for something, feeling empty as hell and wondering what it took to feel full or happy. i finally find what i think that is, and push it away in fear. it comes back so strong that i decide to obey this voice, even tho it means leaving absolutely everything behind, including my son, who i absolutely adore.
i spend a year and 4 months in absolute dedication to making this happen- every dime i make, every second of free time, every ounce of energy- literally- is put towards this trip. and it had magical energy. and despite numerous obstacles at first, started a forward momentum flowing.

and then, just like that, hit the wall. my breast issue lingers. Peanut is sick and i don't know why. I am sick. my mother found out and the expected freak-out insued. all that have brought such a nasty, awful energy to this trip. it doesn't even seem like i should go. seems like the universe is doing everything it can to stop me from going. why would it do that? whatever energy or force out there who's doing that is the same one who put the voice in my head to go in the first place. the same one that convinced me to sacrifice an entire year of my life to this cause.

some people decide to travel, and in a few weeks time, they just go. why is it so fucking hard for me to get there? why does there have to be all this drama and emotional turmoil? seems like i'm doing war- all i want to do is go, and every army in the world is fighting me, pulling out every card to stop me from going. i'm sick of it. seems impossible to believe that after wasting over an entire year of my life in dedication to this goal, it may not happen. i guess my test wed will shed some light on the outcome.