Money sucks

unexpected expenses in the past year, hello?

new tires- $242.5
car reg $123
vet $312
vet $93.5
pet insurance $147
doctor $123.5
mammogram / sonogram $687
medical bills from last year's mammo/sonogram $275.4
healer $530
naturopath $202.39
thermogram $300
colon hydrotherapy for ibs $160

TOTAL- $3196.29

that's $365 for my car and the rest are medical -between me and peanut. how can anyone afford to be sick?
which brings me back to the message of the week- insurance sucks!!!!

fucking ridiculous. looking back at that, it is astounding that i'm only about $650 short of my money goal!
well, i'm glad i am almost at my goal. but gotta change the money karma- and fast!!!

Reflection

So here i sit, in the shadow of the trip of a lifetime.
after 4 days of running around like crazy ( yesterday i went to 9 places- how did i think i was gonna work this week), i can finally relax a bit. 5 days and then i leave.

it wasn't supposed to go down this way- with getting fired and having a lousey test result.
hate having this hanging over my head. i'm reading a wonderful book called "love, medicine and miracles". the premise is that you can cure cancer with your mind. yet even he doesn't recommend declining western medical care. am i insane?
he says there's a message the illness brings; a purpose it serves. a reason for it.
and after thinking a bit, i realized the reason or message would be from my body and spirit, 'hey! we can't do this anymore. we can't keep getting up every morning to a life we hate. it has to stop.' subconsciously it was like, i hate my life, but i don't know how to change it and still feed myself. thus the out-of-control feeling. the fear and emptiness.

i hate working for someone else, being in situations were i am disrespected, walked on, or otherwise treated like shit. i hate going to a job i hate, being around assholes all day, being told where to be when, sitting behind a desk, having no control over anything, having to sit there even when my work is done, having to excuse myself to go to dentist's appointments, etc. i don't like office work, dressing up, commutes, political alliances, sucking up or working for goals i don't support. that all has to stop. i have too much intelligence, passion, ideals and energy to be stuck in an underling position, taking orders from someone less intelligent than me. enough w/ the peon position. i always put myself in deference to others, like i'm the employee, the student, the lesser- like i have to be taken care of. (probably because i never was, but i digress). i give my power away. people my own age are running companies, starting their own businesses, being mothers. i have this idea in my head that only old white men can run companies or be the boss. at any rate, basically what i despise, is office environments and working for someone else, but i haven't a clue how to eliminate that from my life and still feed myself, much less thrive. so i feel powerless to suck it up and take it. would be better if i had a clue of what business or profession i wanted to dedicate myself to. i don't . all i know is i don't / can't be an employee anymore. so i feel helpless. partly because of fear- of risk and lack of confidence, partly because of lack of direction.

but i knew that those environments were sucking the life out of me. and maybe this is my body telling me how serious it is, and how necessary a change is. still leaves me with the question of how.

Prison Break

I am a free woman. free from the shackles of a J-O-B.
somehow still feel chained by the resentment i have for how ugly that whole scene went down. it's inconceivable to me.
i would've been loving it if i had quit. but i had to deal with the embarrassment of being the only one i know of that my boss ever fired. and to realize that it was my arch- enemy, satan, who was behind it.

he's completely incompetent. and knowing that my boss knew it, he turned up the charm, and as usual, blamed all his mistakes on other people. i know between him and lucy-fur , they've been telling the boss what a hateful, incompetent person i am for years. but i always thought that my work would stand on its own. my collection numbers are written in fact. their lies are only gossip. i never believed for a second that he would fire one of his most competent, versatile employees. then to sell me some bullshit story that this lady 'found him' and pestered him for a job, when it was really satan who brought her in. to fire me when all i've done is make him money and keep satan, who has cost him tens of thousands- literally..... inconceivable. to throw out a performing employee and replace her w/ someone from outside the company; it's unheard of- especially for him. usually once you have a job there, no one else gets it until your gone. then to lie to me further about it being all in the name of money... i feel SOOO thrown out, tossed aside, disrespected. then worst of all was when everyone knew about it and no one said anything to me. no one cared. jesus. what a bad feeling. completely disrespectful and disempowering. i'm reeling still. and it's been 2 weeks. i am SOOOO pissed.

what is it with me that i don't see how awful the situations i'm in until they become this heinous and then i'm scared for life?
i knew i had problems with satan and lucy-fur, but i always thought the boss knew i did a good job, and that whenever i left, it would be on good terms. i didn't see this coming and feel completely blindsided.

wednesday i went in and lucy-fur had given me my paycheck minus $700. so when i came back in at quarter to 6 to beat the rest of it out of her, she was on the phone to the boss, trying to dock my pay because i wasn't there x and y. nevermind that she wasn't either, so she was totally making shit up. that was the last straw. to be nasty in response to nastiness is one thing. to go wildly out of your way to be hateful for no particular reason is a whole 'nother kind of evil that i will not subject myself to for one more second again. EVER. and that's synonymous of how i've been treated there the whole time.

and if that wasn't even evil to clear out of my system in a week's time, there's the fact that i should've been cleared medically by now to go on my trip. instead i've been issued my little nightgown and been told by the medical profession that i must let them hack me all to pieces to see if i have cancer. sit around in cold, empty, flourescant rooms, be butchered, maybe poisoned and subject to whatever mutilation they suggest. i didn't even get free of my cage, and i get shuffled right into another. so help me god, ALL i want in this life is to feel like ONE single fucking thing is under MY control. like i have a choice or a say in what goes on in my life. all my life i've been told what to do, where to go, who to be. and i'm DONE.
sitting here in this soured city, playing the little possible cancer patient when all i wanted to do is travel is going to nothing but make me PISSED, because it's yet another thing i wanted that i can't have. and this one that i worked my ass off for and sacrificed a year of my life for. you're telling me i'm 10 yards away from the finish line, the reward, and you're gonna pluck me off the track? THE FUCK YOU SAY. ain't goin' down that way. if i don't have any control over anything in my life, then what is there to fight for? really.

so i'm going. but it's a very bittersweet moment. what should've been a glorious, joy filled, elated, feeling of freedom which comes from being completely unburdened , is now resentment, worry, and intrepidation. now instead of having the support of everyone in my life (with the notable exception of my mother), i have only the encouragement of my healer. EVERYONE else tells me that i "should" stay or at the very best, "do what you need to do, but if it were me, i would do what the doctors say". so now i have to hide this or lie about it to everyone, knowing that they wouldn't support me in going if they knew what i was really up against. now again, it's just me swimming upstream against the masses. and i'm pissed that this is the way it's going down. how do i get rid of this ugly energy?