On eating bullshit politely

So i got reprimanded yesterday for calling satan an asshole. whatever. ever since, it's like satan knows, and he's been SUPER puky sweet to my coworker sitting next to me. if that isn't sickening enough and a stretch to tolerate, he sends me an email today regarding one of the ads he ran without a credit card, pre-payment or credit application and consequently made no effort to collect. (complete disregard of policy and irresponsible). so after a while, and after me pushing the issue, the boss asked him to give me the contact info, which was like a hotline number or some bullshit. so i sent them a collection letter- 'bout all i could do.

so i get this email from him today- 'i believe the boss asked you to collect this, if you're not going to make any attempt to, let me know because i've been holding off on it. the company needs the money, and so do i.'
now THIS, this is so far above and beyond the call of the amount of bullshit that any one person should be asked to tolerate.
this is such complete HORSESHIT that it makes my head spin. he's got the manipulation skills to sit on his ass, waste the boss' time and money, be completely incompetent at his job, and make it look like i'm the one slackin' off. kudos to him. that's manipulation at its mastery. this guy is a fucking snake. seriously. so passive aggressive. just like lucy-fur and the new girl my boss brought in. that's another story, but jesus.

how much bullshit am i supposed to shovel in? i feel like the boss' message to me is 'let satan do ANYTHING and everything he wants, to you and around you, including : running all his ads for free, lying, manipulating, yelling, swearing and bullying, and you are not to respond in any way, nor do i want to hear about it.' 'just keep your mouth shut and let him do whatever he wants'.

this blog is starting to be THE LOONEY BIN FROM HELL blog
now i've got 2 days to brush this shit out of my psyche before it starts all over

Pushing Buttons

so i called satan an 'asshole' yesterday. but somehow from the time i left to this morning, it turned into "fucking asshole", and i got 2 admonishing emails from the boss today. nevermind that satan went on an unbridled raging rampage throughout the office 2 weeks ago, calling me a "fucking bitch" to everyone who would listen, even though he was mad at my coworker, and i had nothing to do with the situation.

i feel walked on. and i am sooo upset at the boss for this. one day, satan is going to explode into one of his rages and he's gonna hurt someone. my coworker says this. she's scared of him. so it's not just me. this prick has exploded at customers before.

i hate that he pushes all my buttons. he activates my "it's not fair" defense mechanism. and the "i'm being walked on" deal.
he wins. and i hate that. i hate that he gets to do whatever he wants. not only can he run all his unbilled ads for free, but he can threaten, manipulate, lie, and treat me like shit, and that's apparently some shit that i'm supposed to eat politely with a knife and fork. it's one thing to have to deal with his infantile behavior, it's another to have a boss that allows it. worse yet, plays favorites, admonishing me but not him. that's crap.

last time he went off on someone else he was praised for taking his angry self out of the building, and the coworker he lost it on was asked to apologize to him. the breakthrough here was in realizing that i tend to linger in these situations. i tend to fight crazy. my god, this is what happens when you hang out at the bottom of the fishtank; you end up around all these bottom-feeders. but i've always felt stuck by 'god money'- like i had no choice, i needed a paycheck.

but still, what do i care if he runs all these ads for free. if it makes him feel important to cheat himself out of commission and cheat the company out of money, then hey, knock yourself out. i've got better things to do than be someone's nanny. but i hate 'losing'. i want to be right. stubborn. feel like if i let him do it, then i've lost. it's all a big powerplay game for control. and i hate giving away control. obviously, so does he. wish this was an isolated incident, but sorry to say, these fuckers seem to have my number, so i gotta find a way to not have this crap push my buttons.

On a Positive Note...

donno whether it's the flower essences from the medical intuitive lady i'm working with (ah to be in CA, land of the "nuts and flakes", as mom calls it), or the sun making a return trip this week, the Alaksan cold front that decided to return to its homeland, or the switch to distilled water, but i feel so much better physically lately. damn, still wish it wasn't so much of mystery of how to feel good.

the flower essences do seem to take the edge off. or maybe i'm in the cone of silence with my trip. i've shed my possessions, done my planning, and freed myself of the responsibilities of utility bills, dating, social obligations and all future comitments, yet still have the security of 'home'. life is simpler now. i have all my bills (which only number 5) on paperless or auto deduct. i have only 1 comitment, to capoeira, 2 times a week, and only 1 focus- this trip. no complications of 'how do i make a living?', no relationship drama, no confusion or chaos about what to do next. it's very nice, actually. almost tempting me out of going. if it could just be this good......

If i could just find a way to make a good living in a flexible environment where i work for myself and dictate my own hours of the day, i would be so much happier. i guess that will be my mission when i get back. honestly, i don't even care what it is, whether it's being a writer or a feng shui consultant, a lifecoach or a dog sitter. as long as i am free to dictate my own time with a lot of it to spare and make plenty of money.

the trip is giving me excitement and passion that's been lacking for years. it fills me up. my good sweet god, it really does. SOME THING does! guess that's it for now.

Tired

I've been a prisoner to wacked out hormones lately. frankly i'm pretty sick of having my moods swing up and down with
a. the weather
b. blood sugar levels
c. hormones
if it's not ibs, it's cramps, or a gloomy sky. feel like a freakin' yoyo. wildly irritable.

and my job. oh god, i just about can't take it anymore.

it's such an easy job. and i really like what i do, BUT the people there are a case study right out of a freudian thesis. jesus, it's like 2nd grade playground shit. no one likes one another and everyone has a high degree of serious emotional problems.

i hate satan SO much. the other day he was referring to me and the other girl in my office as 'fucking bitches', to everyone else. and that apparently was fine with the boss. NOT fine with me, hello? and this was completely unprovoked. i had nothing to do with the situation. we put newspapers over the common window between my office and his, because he stands up and gawks into our office. as if that isn't creepy enough, every night he comes in and cuts the eyes out of one of the pictures covering the window. i walked by the boss' office today and he was complaining about how some part of the paper looked, and he said, 'did she do this page?' (referring to me, of course). so much misdirected rage my way. just because i try to do my job, which i can't do because he is so damned incompetent. his shit is SOOO fucked up. ads that aren't billed going in the paper. ads that are billed left of his runsheet. not to mention that he's sporting a new funk so strong it makes me gag regularly. he's a complete and total waste of oxygen.

everyday i have to let so much go. the boss had someone design new biz cards and bought a machine that cuts them. well, it looks like absolute crap. handcut cards with a really poor design for a 5 yr old established business? it's his company, why should i care? it's so hard to let it go. hard to watch him keep that sorry ass satan around when he's a complete and total fuck-up with serious anger management issues who yells at clients and coworkers alike, storming out of the office when things don't go his way. and it's really hard to accept the fact that the boss only listens to those who have a penis. i really didn't want to believe that one, but it's true. one of the friendly guys joked to me that i should 'look into getting one'. i guess that's what they mean when they say 'the world's not fair', but damned if that sits well with me. it's a horrible feeling to just give up and accept that, but too exhausting to keep fighting it.

i try to think about how miserable satan must be to act so obnoxious, to go out of his way to try to make me look bad. same thing with lucy-fur, who by the way, got her hours cut back for the 2nd time now. (does this tell you something about the boss' lack of backbone)- and another btw - she's such a raging bitch, that today, on her 1st day not here, all the women did a dance of joy all over the office to celebrate the lack of tension in the air from her absence. where does the boss find these horrible creatures?

back to satan- i try to think about how it must be like to be so dyslexic and/or strung out on drugs that you can't keep track of 5 sales a week or spell an address the same way twice. it must feel so out of control to not know what the hell's going on. how self-hating do you have to be to be so pompous and ugly and smelly? but it really doesn't help. he pushes my buttons every time. and i hate hating him, because then i think i must be as miserable a human being as him if i can hate him so much. i wish his badmouthing me didn't anger me. wish i could just not care. wish there wasn't 20 more people like him for every good person in this world. i don't want to be like him in any way, but i know when i hate him venemously, that makes me as bad as him. :(
help!

Camping Trips

just keeping track of the wilderness trips i've done

2006 Camping trips
1. Death Valley- Feb


2005 camping trips
1. Anza Borrego (Wildflowers) - 3/16
2. Kernville (Rafting w/ the sierra club)- june
3. Burningman - aug/sep
4. Black Rock Canyon Kayak Trip (ODC) - 10/8-10/9
5. Joshua Tree - 11/5-11/6
6. Hotprings (ODC) - 11/19

Also went to Costa Rica in Feb
Boston in June


2004 Camping trips
1. N. CA - April
2. Ojai- May
3. Kernville- Jun
4. Lake Taho- Jul
5. Yosemite- Sep
6. Idyllwild- Oct
7. Anza- Nov

also, state lobby day, SELP, met julia, CFOG fundraiser, game nights, girl nights, concerts in the park, water parks, hollywood bowl