Friday Repreive

Well, it's friday. another week done. this weekend will be busy as hell. just want to stop the wheel from spinning and get off. Although some of it is fun- a hike w/ happy guy and an interview for my magazine.... Still i just want 24 hours where i have NOTHING to do. ugh
here's my prayer- to be free from prickhead asshole looser.enough is enough. too many years wasted on the roller coaster with him. I think i answered my question from the last blog. Why don't i want success for him? why do i want him to fail? yesterday he asked me to design a logo for his new venture. and wanted to take me to dinner to explain it. he had print outs of all these other logos. then started talking to me abuot what he wanted. started drwaing a gold miner and a globe and all these things. and come to find out he doesn't even have a name yet. and he wants me to do all this research on the history of sacramento. lazy hit hard. but then fear. this man is a ridiculous perfectionist. i told him i was afraid of disappointing him- of not being good enough. his comment, in a pissed off sort of way, "then don't even try". MONSTER

When does "it" happen to me?

god, i try so hard to keep up the positive energy
then sometimes, like today the negativity sucks me under. I feel overwhelmed. like hopeless. sitting here feeling like the U2 song- 'though we are screaming inside , we can't be heard'.
Why do i care that k is now gonna make $400k . well, let's back up here. i'm doing it again. it's the same story- he says he's gonna be rich. this is 'the one'. and then it doesn't happen. and i always believe it and get on a big bus. seems like a sure thing this time. and really, i mean, it's not like it was free. handed to him. he's had to crawl up the ass of the biggest prick alive for YEARS to get this. 3 yrs now i think. done shit for free, watched his cat, picked up his housekeeper at 6 am while he was on vacation, babysat his cable man, hung pictures, watered plants, built decks, etc. etc. a bunch of demeaning shit. so who cares? why does that effect ME? i wouldn't have done all that.

why do i get upset when other people around me get shit that i want? maybe because it seems out of my reach. seems like some evil universal force is just fucking with me to see how much i can take. dangling shit in front of me like carrots. stuff i can never have. let's see how many of your friends can have happy relationships all around you. let's take the ONE thing you want more than anything in the world ever. and let's have that be something you can NEVER have. oh wait, better yet. let's show it to you all over the fucking place. so that you see what you're missing on a continual basis. great.
and money. GOD money. what is the deal here? jesus. i'm not greedy. i just want some luxuries ya know. a massage once in a while would be nice. trips that i can pay for. $100,000k a year would be good. something i like? is that impossible?

what's the deal w/ k tho? he calls me to tell me he's getting this big job. and i feel like shit. why does that translate?
is it that i got the shit for YEARS!? scraping dimes out of the couch. inviting him to do things and him lashing out at me cuz he was broke and couldn't afford to, and was taking it out on me? how many times did i sit at home and wait for him while he was running off somewhere? yet his ex got taken to 4 star hotels, restaurants, and trips. i got shit. and his life was full of money b4 me and after me as well. so how is that fair? i swear, here's the ugly truth- i was glad that he got a $75,000 penalty. ha. i guess i thought he deserved it. it's not fair that he finds himself out of it and prospers no less, in less than a year.

gotta get back to well, we know.
later

Another Monday Bus

here it is another monday, and the monotony of it all is reason enough to pluck my limbs off. what is it that i am so miserable about? what is it that i so desperately want that seems so far out of reach? and when the hell am i gonna figure it out?

i seem to have this gift of being able to tolerate that which makes me miserable with a tenacity that's rarely found. how many people actually hate their lives this much? i just feel like that hamster spinning in a cage. each new idea, which i think will set me free, only ends me back in that wheel, spinning furiously. like i think i could get out. ha

am i the last of generation X? the lost generation. the raging ones? everyone else seems to have settled sickeningly into a blissful experience of money and love. time to face the music. maybe i just don't get those. EVER. i mean, when billy sings "i'm still just a rat in a cage", is there anyone left who feels like this is their life's anthem?

my life seems to lack so much. money. love. friends. joy. occupation i like.
basically it's the same old senario. i feel alone. like i've been sentenced to this lonely existence- to walk the planet alone. everytime i turn around, i'm alone. and i'm sick to death of it, thank you. sick of vacationing alone, going to movies by myself. of sleeping alone. of feeling alone in a group of people. sick of the phone never ringing. of going on vacation for 5 days and coming home to no phone calls and no emails. i guess i just need to feel like someone in the world cares that i exist. and i need to do something that is useful. that matters. that i enjoy. how hard is that? plenty hard, i guess.

i just feel like a total misfit. like i slipped into some in between universe, where i'm neither here nor there, but hopelessly out of place. i'm supposed to be working, and all i can think about is medicating myself with a temporary feel good of a mocha frappuchino. it's getting harder and harder to push these papers around. it's meaningless. stale. confining. yet it feeds me. nice delima.