the human race

I know i always complain about not having friends,
but i was just realizing how much easier it is without them

social dynamics
community
interpersonal relationships

it's all greek to me
i have no skills or ept whatsoever in these areas
they are like a mystery to me

i've said it before. i'll say it again,
i do MUCH better with animals
i don't get along too well w/ humans

being a part of a group of friends leaves me questioning myself
feeling awkward and 2nd guessing all the time. it pretty well sucks.

i met a cool girl on a trip in june. we totally bonded. opened up quickly to each other. she even told me she was so glad she met me cuz she was looking for amazing people just like me to create a community around her
we went out playing the next week, with another guy she had also just met.
and then i didn't hear from her for like a month. and come to find out, they'd done all these things together; taken a class together that she and i had talked about. call each other every day. she said, 'he's now my best friend.'
and it wasn't so much jealousy, as a feeling of confusion for me. was it something i said? was it something i didn't do? now she's created this group of friends that she gets together w/ frequently. i seem to be in on most of the invites, but the other boys on there are much closer. they are her confidants. so.... maybe she just is closer to guys. maybe it's my flakiness around community showing up and i haven't stepped up to the plate as much as the guys. maybe it's not me at all. maybe she wants guys to take care of stuff for her. i am the only girl who seems to be around. maybe it doesn't even matter.

exactly my point, tho. i end up doing this. i did this with the girls last year. when one would call the other and not me, i'd feel brushed off. i question. i end up sad. i donno. i feel socially inept.

anyway,
fuck, maybe a hut in ecuador in the middle of the jungle is my calling anyway.
jane gooddall style, you know. maybe there is a reason i totally suck at the human race. i wasn't meant to operate it in.
really hate the lonliness that comes with this whole way of being tho.
sigh

when (IF) will i ever figure it out!

Diary of a virgin- Burningman 2005

Sunday, 9/4
got up. ate with my camp. then off to the template with my sage that Oceana gave me. Yesterday i cried for all of my own grief. today i cried at everyone else's. there were so many more animal notes today. those tore me up the most. i would see one, then lose it, then move on to the human ones, and cry even harder. After noting it was the animal friends that hurt me the most, and not knowing exactly what to do with the sage offering, i realized i was there to givee it to Jezzie and KK. So i wrote them a note on a bench of the temple, in a permanent market left there, and place the sage over it, crying so hard. i think that i am finally processing what i couldn't even touch when they passed.

couldn't find the certificate of divorce that was posted there yesterday. i wanted to take a picture. the notes blew me away- so beautifully poetic. i wrote down the notes and want to make a collage. yesterday i gave up soooo much at the temple. i wrote to aria: "i hope you find your wings in heaven. i love you. mom #1", then a note to jezzie and kk, then a note on a piece of wood to mom, then one to kirk, then placed the pages out of my journal where i'd written all my grudges at various people, then a note to the universe, giving up my anger and envy, etc

after the temple today, i gravitated towards center camp and sat by a drum circle for some healing. it's the first time i've spent any time here, and i'm sorry i hadn't come sooner. there is a man, painted green from head to toe- naked, wearing only an open green robe, dancing among the gathering crowd. and oddly enough, no one, including me, even notices any peculiarity in this.

it's been a very solitary experience for me- definitely not what i had expected- like it had it's own agenda.
it's clear, i came here to heal, to experience, and to play. i will definitely miss the openness of the people here. i thought it'd take me a while to adjust to the nudity and the freaky costumes. i thought i'd be analyzing, comparing and judging. but i never did. it was all fine right from the get go. i wasn't even comparing. it's good to see guys in dresses and long hair- shirtless in sarongs and crinkly skirts.

yesterday was play. i went off on my own to explor, and so glad i did. 1st stop- a butt branding place. :)
when i got there, the picture picture was set up. a girl bending over in big white angel wings, wearing a thong, bent over at the waist, getting her butt branded. what a pic! so i had my butt branded with the man. what fun.
next stop, a fear box outside a camp. "drop your fears in this box to burn". i wrote: "i'm afraid no one will ever love me", and "i'm afraid i'll never be ok"
and then on to the next adventure. i came upon a swingset with 2 fur colored swings. ( i swung of course). next to me on the ground was a very decorated burner in striped leggins and fur, holaing, with many hoola hoops strew on the ground. across the street was a 4 ft tall jenga game going on with big blocks of wood. Onward to G spot, where i jumped on a trampouline. nearby, in the camp was a hair washing station where one girl was getting her hair washed from another at a station, much like a beauty saon. i was having so much fun on the trampouline that i guy wandering by was inspired to jump on the neighboring one. when i'd had enough, i put on my camelback and headed off on my bike to explore some more.
i stumbled across an amazing place called 'dilate peoples' camp. under a big open circus like tent, there was a wonderful relief spa. i walked in where someone directed me to a couch, shared with several other people. there were people scattered around couches and in hammmocks. and little angels walked around, putting eye wash in your eyes, cucumbers and a chilled gel mask over your eyes while you sit quietly and relax to soothing music. people come by and sprinke you with scented cool water and lightly drag a feather across your skin. the session is ended with a minty bean bag over your face.

after that, i found heebee geebee camp, a center for yoga sessions, and massage treatments. they had ALL kinds of elaborate massages and bodywork of every sort. apparently, they are so popular that you need to get there at 9 am everyday to get a number in order to get a chance at getting a treatment that day. today, i was told, the line formed at 7:30 am.
there was a huge carpeted tent where people did yoga on their own, sat with partners, read books, etc. like a big park. no shoes allowed. i lay down on the carpet for a bit. what a soothing, relaxing place to escape the heat. in the back of that tent was an area where they performed the services, with a myriad of massage tables, dived by a lady at a table, calling numbers and crossing off names on the list. the next tent over was having a couples touch workshop, or something of that nature.

Messages from Temple -burningman 2005

Note to a cat: "I love you so much. you were my first child. i will love you forever. See you over the rainbow. Wait for me"

"May your grief burn bright in the kiln of human wisdom, lending new depth of vision to your seeking spirit. sadness nourishes our understanding of the circle of life"

"Into the flames i surrender my past experiences and attachments. i breathe in patience, love, and nurturing qualities. rebirth resonates within me. let go of the past and embrace the future"

"I surrender to the burn all fears that hold me back in some way or another from being as beautiful and free as i could be"

"To all the Iraq children, forgive U.S. We promise to do our best not to ever let it happen again"

"Burn everything that holds us back"

"Too beautiful to die. Spin fire with god. Welcome home"

"i'm sorry, it just wasn't your time. the next one will be so much better"

"live, laugh, love. watch my back girl. i miss you"

"I release all pain from the past, manifested in my body as physical illness"

"I have dissed my body and soul for 13 years. tobacco adddiction, fuck right off"

"Peace is not some crazy ideal, far off in the distant future, but rather a continuous process of nonviolent action"

"I miss you daddy. i wish you back every breath. i will make you proud. love missy"

"I forgive those who have taught me through pain. i send you love and healing"

note to a cat: "You were the sweetest soul with the softest exterior"

Items left:
a guitar
marriage certificate
box with marriage clothes
can of opened cat food
photo collages
dog's vest
bed frame

5 Days In the Desert- Burningman 2005

Ah Burningman….What’s not to love about a place where cheering the sun dip behind the mountains is a daily activity, life size chess games take place on a giant checkerboard under the blazing desert sun, and riding around wearing nothing but fairy wings doesn’t even raise an eyebrow?

Arriving in the desolated barren patch of desert that once a year transforms into the thriving Black Rock City, ‘burners’ are welcomed to ‘the playa’ by costumed greeters who enter each car or RV to open up coolers, cupboards and closets to check for stowaways, collect tickets, and offer a ‘welcome home’ hug (a statement only understood after a week here). First timers, referred to as ‘virgins’, are escorted out of the vehicle to ring a bell and handed a card that reads “spank me”, to be redeemed later. For the virgin burner, burningman is an experience that defies words. Amid the dusty white desolation are various walks of life scurrying around in wild furry costumes- topless, bottomless and every combination therein. What looks at first like an indistinguishable mass of tents mixing incoherently with desert is actually a well planned out city, complete with street signs, city blocks, a recycling center, post office and a radio station, all constructed and deconstructed again in a 2 week time frame. The feat is quite impressive. Streets such as ‘fetish’, ‘bipolar’ and ‘catharsis’ transform desert sand into city blocks. Black Rock City offers only two items for purchase, coffee and ice. All other necessities and amenities must be brought or bartered.

Once there, a plethora of activities beckon, although getting out the door (of your tent, that is), requires quite a bit of preparation in itself. A day’s survival essentials include goggles, lip balm (preferably on a string around the neck), a dust mask or bandana, hat, snack, gifts to barter with, a backpack filled with water, and a generous covering of sunscreen. Once packed, it’s off adventuring. Camps are groups into communities called theme camps, each offering various services, diversions or thematic activities. One can find anything from outdoor playgrounds, spa treatments and tarot card readings to yoga classes and 12 step meetings. And although camps often do have scheduled activities at specific times of the day, ‘playa’ time is an ambiguous blending of moment to moment, often marked only by the rising or setting sun. One can go out with a destination in mind and get easily distracted by one diversion or another while hours slip quietly by without notice. Each adventure leads to another until a change of weather or a shortage of water demands a return back to camp. The experience can only be likened to a chapter out of Alice in Wonderland, where time is no longer linear but occurs as a series of unrelated events where reality and fairy tale morph in and out of each other. This is life on the playa, without to-do lists, corporate meetings, deadlines or harried time commitments, traffic, cell phones or television. It’s life back in the day where to speaking to a neighbor involves jumping on a bike and riding over there.

Burningman is a big playground for adults left to their leisure. Anything imaginable can be found here. One can play in a giant roomful of balls, climb a tower, cuddle in a room of furry pillows, drum, chant, dance, spin fire, jump on a trampoline or swim in a pool. Beyond the freedom to run amuck naked or in costume without judgment, the joy of rediscovering the inner child and leaving behind the obligations and demands of a hectic lifestyle, there is a community vibe here, reminiscent of the hippie era. People are friendly on the street. A lost person is offered directions, a hungry straggler who wanders into camp is fed, a fallen biker is helped, and strangers may come up to offer random hugs. It’s a place to relax and let down the defenses and stresses of the real world.

As the day turns to night, marked by the sunset celebration, it’s time to head back to camp to grab some dinner and swap out daytime clothing and gear for night essentials. Evening on the playa opens up a completely different world. Preparation usually involves intricate prepping and primping of elaborate costumes, wigs, boots, make up and such, completed by the donning of ‘bling’, a term used to describe the various blinking or glow in the dark accessories such as necklaces, earrings and bracelets designed to set people apart from the pitch black desert night. Black Rock City vaguely resembles Vegas with a freaky twist, with neon signs lighting up the night sky, a constant hustle of activity, and elaborately costumed party goers running to and fro until all hours. The experience is very ethereal and surreal. In the darkness, bikes whiz by out of nowhere, ornately decorated cars strung with Christmas lights pick up people for a touring disco of the playa, glow in the dark necklaces, bracelets and anklets walk by, seemingly suspended in mid air, without the visibility of the body they are attached to. Evening activities include raves, dance bars, cuddle lounges, jazz cafes, fire spinners, and various other enclaves in which to pass the night away. Festivities continue throughout the night with DJs spinning until sunrise, where hard-core partiers may opt for a sunrise walk before heading off to bed for a few hours of sleep.

Everyone comes to burningman for different reasons, and no two experiences can be compared. Some come to dance the night away and reconvene with friends. Others come to seek spiritual clarity or enlightenment. Many take away lessons and life long friends.

The culmination of the event takes place on Saturday, after a week of festivities. The wooden structure of a man, which stands at the center of camp all week, is set ablaze. Some 35,000-50,000 spectators gather in an indistinguishable crowd of glowing, flashy things around the man. Fire spinners and drummers set off the ceremony, followed by a spectacular display of fireworks above the man, and then an explosion which sets the structure on fire. Crowds scream and celebrate the event, by wishing those around them a happy ‘new year’. The first experience is like the anticipation and awe of Christmas to a child. Virgin burners stand wide eyed, mouths open, grinning ear to ear at the amazing spectacle. There is a celebration feel in the air, which continues through dawn.

Sunday is a quiet day where many pack up camp to head home. Many visit the temple, a wooden shrine erected in honor of those who have passed on. People come throughout the week to leave messages to loved ones and departed pets or to deposit memorabilia symbolic of experiences they wish leave in the past. The energy is heavy and sad. Notes etched onto the wood or taped to the structure bear the poignant words of pain, loss and lessons learned. The experience is an emotional one, and people can be seen crying or hugging one another. On Sunday evening, in a smaller, more solemn ceremony, the temple is set on fire, where all of the messages and trinkets are offered to the fire, in anticipation of a new beginning.

Monday morning is time to say farewell to the people who have shared the experience. Those one week ago who were complete strangers but are now family. And suddenly, it becomes clear the meaning of the greeters ‘welcome home’ message. Because, in such a short time, this crazy world of play and adventures, dust storms and porta potties, so far away from the world of stress and modern conveniences, has truly become home. With a few tearful hugs and a feeble attempt to shake off the playa dust, it’s time to head out in search of a shower and a good night’s sleep. It’s time to rejoin the real world, already in progress, keeping the lessons learned and the spirit of burningman alive for another 364 days.

Best burningman memories

seeing some of the posts on tribe, i experienced so much more than i even imagined

seeing jess. not knowing if she was even going, and then not only was she there, but in nuk family, right across from where i was going to be camping!!!! the amazing reunion. she was standing outside her tent topless, running to her, jumping up and down, having her tie a ribbon around my neck and taking a picture

the pool adventure. setting off to find it, and then being told it's private. well, wait.... if you can offer us something....
what do you need? among other things were a list of drugs. one of my friends needs some bodywork...one of my group had a pot brownie, and butterfly offered reiki treatments. so we sit down in front of a guy lying down. call his name. he sits up in a total daze and stares at us, totally oblivious. we ask him if he would like a massage. he looks at us as if we were speaking chinese. finally he lies down, and i massage his back, bernie his feet, my friend butterfly does reiki, was someone else rubs lotion on his feet. that earned us a trip to the pool, were most everyone was naked. there were a bunch of alligator floats. the water was cold!! sitting in a cold pool in the middle of a very hot desert day with not a care in the world, while we 'should've been working'. trying to fit on a big alligator w/ bernie. me topless. how amazing

sitting w/ oceana. drawing the wisdom card and the significence of HOME. hearing the story of her love interest who came to bman right after having a stroke. having an impromtu pasta party at nuk fam.

falling asleep on one of the couches at the powerlounge
jumping up and down on the mattresses and fuzzies at the powerlounge
and falling asleep on a big bean bag chair under my fur coat looking up at the lights and the circus tent. how relaxing

'shoes off hippies'

the big ferris wheel looking thing w/ 3 peddlers on the playa

riding to get ice from artica w/ crabby, maggie and alyssa
seeing a guy wearing a huge stuffed animal on his back

center camp. sitting by the healing drum circle after the emotional temple experience
tantric yoga, spinners, a guy coming up out of nowhere to set up a massage table
the layers of couches watching a stage show
the green man- painted head to toe in primary green, naked, wearing only an open green robe
hair colored as well
the lady dancing w/ the snake
topless women wandering around
the guy playing a clarinet
coming back and seeing a violin and trombone
breaking into 'oh when the saints' in the middle of the drum circle
the 10 yr old girl, topless spinning in the middle of center camp

lynn and her costume prep
andrew licking jen's pit
me kissing nik's bald head, while leaning over in my furry chaps

the dust storm w/ ro that came up just as impromtu as the bar in the middle of nowhere, complete w/ barstools
meeting the guy wearing nothing but blue and red silk turbins and 2 prince albert rings
hanging at the bar , w/ goggles and masks, drinking through the dust storm

the art cars
the kitty
the vagina
ridding in the snuffeloffagus
the red crab w/ spikes
the phone booth, called 'mobile phone', zipping around
the cupcakes
the purple hat car w/ big undulating glowy sticks where i watched the man burn
the fireworks over the man

glow stick- necklaces and bracelets walking by looking surreal

ringing the bell, yelling 'i am not a virgin'

ro's spear

feeling up ro's cute friend and vice versa. and then trading places with her. he smelled sooo good

the big man on stilts
the black light glowy van- sooo cool

bawling my eyes out at the temple
twice
seeing the note to the cat that said, 'i love you. i miss you. see you over the rainbow. wait for me'
starting to loose it, and then hearing my name and turning to a huge hug from earnest where i lost it
then getting sweet kisses from a little gray healing dog

the esplanade
scary at night with bikes whizzing by. trying to not run over people and bikes

asking for directions at the post office and then turning around to a white out

dicky
the phone booth where you picked up the phone and spoke to god
i picked it up, expecting it to be a recorded message. a girl answered. live. 'hello, this is god'. i stumbled. umm...
this is god? 'yes'. 'you suck'. oh, okay. so i freaked out and hung up and walked away. the phone started ringing. freaked out even more, i left.