Anxious

Unfortunately i think i inherited my mother's neurotic tendencies. like her, i am just wound too damn tight. nervous energy, anxiety. didn't really click until i saw her taking anxiety meds at christmas. she gave me some that were prescribed for ibs. i took a few, and felt so relaxed that i was like, "whoah, fuck the anti-depressants, THIS is what i need. something to take the edge off- a little 'everything's ok". . subsequently, they haven't had the same calming effect tho. :(
(sigh). i donno.

I'm sitting here listening to Kitaro on the headphones- in a room that's dark and quiet- finally- thank god.
man, kitaro is a blast from the past!!! somewhat bus-able, but for now, just nostalgic and sweet, like the lost navité of my youth. "light of the spirit" comes on and is like a miracle to me. the only song on the album with vocals- sounds like the voice of angels. so sweet. i remember each note as i did 15 years ago. gave me hope then. gives me hope now. takes me to another place. a magical one, outside my head. i could listen to that one song all night.

my lip is chapped, and lately i've been picking at it like crazy. i just feel so anxious. about anything. about everything.
i'm worried about my funky mamogram and what the next test will show in a few months- right b4 i leave

wondering what's gonna happen with the buyout at my company. anxious that the looney bin drives me insane and wondering how much more i can take. and why does satan bother me so much? i hate him. i mean HATE. not like i want to kick his ass, but like i want him to go away. like i would give a month's salary to personally strap him onto a martian rocket and light it with one of his cigarettes. what is it about him that sends me home telling him off in long conversations to myself? that despises him with so much venom? he doesn't do anything TO me, but his pompous arrogance coupled with his complete incompetence drives me absolutely wild. maybe it's my "it's not fair" thing? i hate that he has so much power of my contentment. fuck him. and lucy-fur too. same deal. they should be castrated and sent off to a leper colony- on MARS!

i'm bored into stress over the monotony of everything- the sameness of one day seemlessly flowing into the next......
days go by without any joy whatsoever; where everything was just rote and work. empty little worker cog with the occasional solace of a mocha frappuchino, breaking up the tedium.

i'm wondering the meaning of it all. this obviously falls short of a meaningful life for me. but that begs the question- what would fill me up? what's it all about? what IS important in this life? doing something that saves the planet? helps others? adventure? i donno. where's the answer to that question? and what if i don't find it trapsing around another continent? what if i'm just lonely and scared and as confused as ever? what if i don't have a great ephipany about what to be when i grow up? what will i do when i return? will i return? who's gonna watch my son? (this one's breaking my heart). he's so depressed, and what am i gonna do about it? leave him.. he's the ONLY happy spot in my world, and i'm gonna leave him? what kindof crap is that?

terrified of actually going on this trip. am i actually going? good god, this was much less scary as a crazy idea in my head. i don't think i actually even thought up until this point, that i WAS actually gonna do this. there's so much stuff to do, to get rid of, to buy. decisions to make. will it be as great as it is in my head? i mean, my online travel buddy is such a care-free, easy going spirit. i'm not at all like that. how will i fare on the road on my own? what if i'm not really running from this life here but from myself? what if i'm just a neurotic, pissed off, stressed out, miserable person on the road too? god, that would SO suck. stressed out, probably. but the pissed off, miserable person would have to subside just due to the fact that i finally have my freedom. i donno. uncertainty makes me crazy, but that's what this whole trip is all about. i entrench myself so deeply in these ruts that i have to pry myself away with such force, that it ends up being a wild and crazy thing like this to break free of it. what if i return and settle right back into the same existence. i couldn't take that.

i guess all this is fear of the unknown.
i guess i'm just so sick of everything in my life that has been so painfully, inextricably the same for so many years that i've subconsciously planned it out this way so that i have no choice but to rip myself out of all the habits that keep me stuck. this is not like complaining that i can't stand my job but being lured by the easy schedule and how spoiled i am to stay put. not like trying to stay away from the ex who only lives 3 blocks away when you're lonely and making new friends is such a pain. This trip will circumvent any lack of will power. i won't be able to stay stuck. It will guarantee that i break completly free- every tie will be cut. i will be completely extricated from this rut and everything and every person, every habit that i haven't been able to free myself of on my own. i won't be able to lean on any of my crutches.
Tired of battling my laziness and the fear of the unknown (what keeps me stuck) with willpower alone, i've cut my own umbilical cord, and i know it. and it's freaking me out. Because if i can't lean on the past, i have to look completely to the future, and that's scary as hell.

Band of Idiots

this week has been so friggin busy at my jobs. YUCK i say. in the name of balance, i was out tues night taking capoeira, wed i was so brainfried, i just relaxed, thursday went to the valley for a totally fun dinner party. so to get in my 2nd job, i was getting up early before work (which i DON'T do very well, by the way), coming in late to work, working through lunch, and then subsequently working late. i kept rushing from one job to another. ALL work all the time. and it wasn't getting all done.

at the looney bin, by friday i was so stressed i was convinced that if i wasn't leaving in 4 months to travel, i would have to quit this job. i feel like i do everyone's job's there. we have full rack of 8 balls. what does adam carolla call it? a band of unemployable idiots. and lucy fur is back full time, which completely BLOWS! the boss had cut her to 2 days a week, then when we got sold, i guess he pitied her, or i donno what the reason, but he told her she could have 1 last month of full time. but now the rumor is that the new boss offered her a job, but he doesn't know where to put her. because at least my boss advised him to keep her away from the money.

damn tho, we had a mere month of relaxation without her. when i pull in and see her car, i cringe. she makes the whole atmosphere tense, like you can't relax. she's either wildly bitchy or in this over-the-top, i wanna be your best friend, chatty mood, clomping around the office, popping up everywhere in her wild red lipstick, like some nutcase on crack. can we say BIPOLAR? not to mention, she's taking the bookkeeping software from me all the time, leaving me incapable of doing any of my work. and for what? she never does ANYTHING!!! the thing that i do best is manage my work and my time so it all gets done, but when she constantly sits on the books, that throws off my whole schedule, wastes my time and takes the one thing i do have any control over away. i didn't realize how much productivity she cost me until she was gone for a while, and i was free to manage my own time without her interrupting me. now that she's back it's impossible to get it done, and collections are suffering.

so friday, she takes the books from me at least 4 times, for like a half an hour at a time. meanwhile, i'm looking at the AR report, and she has NINETEEN accounts that she "sold" dbas to but never collected the money. so what IS she doing? so i mark them up and show them to her. later, she charges one that i had pointed out has a credit card on file. i'm still house cleaning the classifieds. it's taken me a month to match the ad copy with billing info, or to guestimate how long each has been running when i can't find billing. it's a testimate to how very fucked up they were that it took me a month to figure them out. on friday, still, i was going back through old runhseets, dating back years. i found ads in there that have been running since 2003!!!! christ! the 4 pages that he has been running of ads, is now down to 1 and 1/2, and still shrinking.

i call one rep and remind her to get a new cc, call another to hound him about collecting his outstanding money, give lucy-fur her list of 19 unpaid ads, catch 2 ads that shouldn't be running but they are on the runsheets anyway; in the middle of this, lucy-fur calls the art dept, asking to put this ad in the paper. i intervene and say, 'no way!'. they didn't pay from the last time.

i mean, christ, does ANYONE there do their damn job? it's unbelievable!

the job itself is so not stressful. so do-able. but it's doing my job and everyone else's that stresses me out.

Bored

god, i'm twitching for some excitement here.
i remember when i was a teacher, january just sucked. the months leading up to it were full of holidays and days off to break up the daily insanity into tolerable chunks. then january came, and there was nothin'. no light in sight. you were just screwed for the long haul.

man, it's painfully monotonous here.
i think i pulled myself into the clear on my 2nd job. FINALLY pulled a report today that seemed to work for him. so thank god, that's better.

and i've been working a lot this week. so it's not like there's nothing going on. i've been busy.
but dying for some excitement, adventure, travel.

my boss came in our office today, sat down and chatted for at least a 1/2 hour. it was very pleasant. told him, i'm twitchin'. he understands. i love having (or had :( ) a boss who understands my need to be free and in nature. we had a great little talk, about what he's gonna do, what the new guy will do, cancer, healing herbs, and the whole gamut. he's such a good guy. thank god, both my bosses are just great.

kate, my on-line travel buddy, is going to visit here soon. she's talking about skydiving, and fuck, if she goes, i may go with. i mean, i'm terrified and shit, and it's so much money, but damn, wouldn't that be the coolest story?

i've also been thinking a lot more about getting my firefly tattoo. i found a tattoo place online with a guy who's art i really like.

this is the year afterall. MY year - the year of my ADVENTURE-OF-A-LIFETIME, yet so far, it feels blah as ever. i'm ready to jump back into the carpe diam mode- let's get this party started!!!!!!

god, tho, time is ticking down, and my trip planning momentum was just killed by the holiday break. i gotta start finalizing plans and seriously getting rid of stuff, send my passport off and finish my shots. my train always gets derailed by breaks like this. i'm nervous now. scared. like, am i actually gonna do this? i am hesitating on finalizing the decisions. i wish the motivation would come back! i'm excited too tho. can't wait to hear the sounds of the jungle at night!!!!

Unpleasant Things

I think i have to quit my 2nd job. i felt pretty confident in my bookkeeping skills, but this job is continuously kicking my ass.
funny how that fucks with my whole self esteem. i start questioning my sanity and my intelligence. it's not often that i come across something that i'm not smart enough to figure out. and when i do, it feels like absolute shit. i just can't wrap my brain around his whole process- incurring the costs, and then billing it out to his clients, and cross referecing all the bills with the invoices, job #s and commissions. it feels like junior year math, when i just reached the limit of my understanding. well, so much for any delusions about being a free lance bookkeeper! not that i had any delusions of this being my dream career, but i was leaning on it as a back up source to pay the rent, if i ever needed it.

one of the absolute worst feelings in the world is having a problem that i can't find a solution to. anytime i have a problem, ANY problem, my mind goes on auto-drive, brainstorming until i come up with a resolution. aside from being a TOTAL pain in my ass today, bugging the shit out of me while they knew i was at my other job- emailing me 10 times and calling 3, i got to a point today where i just couldn't do about 1/2 of what he was asking for, and i just think i have to give up. and that feels like absolute crap. especially since this is such an easy going guy, the hours are flexible, he's just about the nicest, most generous person to work with. and i can't hang? that blows. especially since what he's asking for- a report that tracks income against expenses per job, doesn't seem like too much to ask for. but i'm tired of coming up short- feeling like i can't give him what he needs. tired of being stressed over this job that is in reality, only 5-7 hours per week.

i don't like things that are hard. period. if i can't achieve a high mastery at something, i don't want to do it at all. because feeling like a failure at something tears my already overly-sensitive, ridiculously fragile self-esteem to shreds instantly. the last time i felt like this was at the magazine, right before i quit. i told them i could build them a website, and they put me through the worst kind of emotional hell because i couldn't program a back-end database. at the time i was too involved and naive and underconfident to realize that they were making completely unreasonable demands and that i should've told them to go fuck themselves.

at any rate, i'd SOOO like to declare, once and for all, that i'm not going to do anymore things that make me feel yucky, that i dread, hate, or suck at.

but this is bad timing for such declarations. i really need the money for my trip, especially since the dental work i thought i could get my boss to pay for, is going to have to come out of my pocket. and my renewed committment to doing capoeira 2x per week is going to cost me an extra $95 a month.
sigh. how do i ever win this war with 'GOD MONEY'?

today just blew. i was working hard at clearing out most of the last of dumb-fuck's (a.k.a-satan) expired classified ads at the looney bin. (his job, by the way, but since he's not doing it, I am). didn't get lunch or a single break until 3 pm. while i was there, my other job was pestering the hell out of me with the aforementioned 10 emails and 3 calls that i blew off. then fought through traffic just to get to the bank and home with a few near accidents, then had to go right to figuring out all these emails when i got home, even tho i was completely brain fried. which i didn't end up doing- i went to capoeira instead, good for me. but you know? MANY people do this everyday. i'm sorry, but NO FUCKING THANKS. that existence just sucks hard. and i'm not interested. it's gotta be better than this. HAS to.


the other unpleasant feeling- dizziness. there are several capoeira moves (1 in particular) that makes the whole goddamn room spin, and THAT is waaaay up there on the "worst feelings in the world" list. i gotta put that right under nausea and the "V" word.

on an aside, i feel old. my god, trying to do this sport now, compared to 3 years ago is like day and night. my knees feel arthritic, i feel like i'm carrying around 50 pounds, i'm less flexible, and it feels like i'm fighting my body on every move. i'm just hoping to god to gain back what ever it is i had by committing to keeping this up.

but i will say something nice, my last 2 capoeira classes had a bunch of men to look at- flexible, gentle, cute men who can do kartwheels. man, how 5 is that?

Revving

I'm just now re-joining my life already in progress from the christmas break and the weeklong illness i had.
it's like i just woke up this week- like a bear awakening from hiberation.
all of sudden there is all this energy and motivation- i want to be healthy, eat healthy, get back into capoeira, play, have friends, do fun things, get out in the world.

i bought myself a pair of hot pink chuck taylors today. i needed a break from holing myself up in a tiny little corner of his couch in a dark little basement apartment, burying my face in the computer, doing research, every second of everyday dedicated to getting to south america, saving every penny, denying myself any luxuries or frivolous fun, shutting out the outside world, not going anywhere, doing anything, or having a social life.

i mean, kudos to me for keeping all that up since april! for me, that's a hell of a record! but damn, i needed to do something fun. i need to be social once in a while. i needed to blow $55 on a pair of hot pink shoes goddammit! "i deserve it", i told myself. and i realized how infrequently i say that to myself- how infrequently i believe it.

the dance has been insane lately. but that's another story.

i've been anxious lately.

my boss is selling the company. what we were all fearing is coming to pass. it looks like i will still have a job. in fact, it looks like i will get a promotion. he said i will take on accounts payable- i'll be THE bookkeeping department- i'll be in charge of the whole works, what i've been wanting for some time.

and that of course brings me mixed feelings. there's the fickle logic of my parents rallying in my head- the last stand of my virgo child's weakening hold- telling me, "maybe you shouldn't go travel. you may finally have a C-A-R-E-E-R going. maybe you will finally be 'making' it. why run away from that?" i mean who gets a big break and a promotion and then runs off leaving that on the table? it's hard enough to find a job in this society, ANY job. am i crazy to run from that?

but that brings me to the reason for this trip in the first place. i started thinking, ok so if i didn't go travel, then what?
i'd be making enough to afford an apt here. if i'm REALLY doing well, then i'd have enough to put a few hundred dollars away each month. maybe have enough time and money for 1 hobby and some social time. after a year or 2, maybe i can put down a downpayment on a house. then 30 years later, retire............

i'm sorry, but there's just gotta be more than that! HAS to be. that just doesn't do it for me. there has to be some passion. some reason to get up in the morning. some purpose and joy to life beyond going to a mildly tolerable job every day, staring into a box, driving a desk, coming home, fixing dinner and then rotting in front of another screen, just to get up and do it all over again the next day. my dad followed that scenario, and look where he's at. i keep wanting and needing the freedom of an entrepreneurial lifestyle, but lacking the guts to take the responsibility and do the work.

today i got to work, and lucy-fur was there, using the bookkeeping software. after a 1/2 hour of mindlessly surfing the net, and getting frustrated at having my time wasted, i called her, only to find that she would be on the books for another hour. SO I LEFT!!!! told her i was going to run errands, and i went home to work on cutting the paychecks for my other company- something i was gonna have to rush around and do on my lunch hour. so i went home, did that work, dropped off the paychecks, packed a lunch, and went back to work. and it was AMAZING!!!!! to feel free! to drive around during the day while other people were sitting at desks, to have control of my time. and it occured to me, THAT would make me happy. a job where i dictated my own time. freedom is truly the most alluring thing in life to me. doesn't matter if i choose to do nothing with my own time, there is NOTHING better than being in control of my own time. nothing.

sigh. in other news, i wish someone would blow up the history channel, the discovery channel, and TLC.