In the Company of Greatness

How many people are blessed enough to meet their greatest hero?
I got to meet mine for the 2nd time today
I heard Julia speak today
and i am blown away
she stirs up everyone of my molecules.
i've been sitting around complaining for months about the monotony and the rut- feeling like nothing could shake me out of it.
she did
i feel alive
i feel so much
like i've been given enlightenment;
not just from her talk
i've been feeling it all day
all the way home i wanted to sit and write and get all this down and now it's slipping away so quickly. damn

she said so many things that i hadn't gotten from her talk last year
about integrity
and starting not at the global level, but with being true to yourself
and then on a community level
2 steps which i always skip. no wonder it's not working
her theme was about disconnect. how that causes the problem
like landmark, the solution is in connecting, in community

more on that enlightenment...
i ran into linda on the way out, and into a great big bear hug from her
she was doing what she always is, outreach. she's so good at it
and everytime i see her i feel so disappointed in myself. she's out there making a difference; what am i doing?
she's my hero too
she lives her word. she makes a difference.
i got from julia that the way is always up
the higher road, if you will
i keep attracting the bottom feeders because that's where i hang out
like kathy said, they keep my story alive- my story that i'm the poor victim.
i can't hang out with all the negativity and expect to be inspired or inspiring. i'm not feeding my soul
the way out is up
not judging, condeming, gossiping or complaining
but living your word, being above that, doing the right thing
hanging in the circles of amazing people
i've been so blessed lately that my circle is expanding with 2 new great new people
devai
kate, my australian travel buddy, ...

i also got that julia's attitude is 180 degrees of mine
she's all about bringing people together ; creating harmony, tolerance, peace and solutions
i walk around being irritated by people all day, calling them names
no wonder i'm not getting anywhere

the times when i've been the happiest, the most high on life were when i felt connected to people
millionaire mind, landmark, burningman... they all had you feeling like you could just walk up to people and talk to them or give them a hug. and that's such a happier world to live in
feeling more tolerant of people is a much more peaceful place to live in

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

i'm beginning to wonder if what i want is that pot of gold over the rainbow. am i looking for neverland?
i just don't even know what would make me happy. was my mother right, that nothing ever will?
i got in touch with a travel writer who writes for lonely planet. she basically told me travel writing was a miserable existence and that she was doing everything she could to get out.
is there no way to support myself that doesn't suck major ass?
good grief, i am so in awe of people who enjoy their work.....

the quiet feels SOOO good
sitting here in my living room, with only the sounds of the passing traffic, a little bit of sun streaming in the window. that's NICE. what a feak i am.
what i want more than anything right now is just to be left alone. how weird.
it's like i am suffering from stimulus overload. i sat at home for 3 days and did nothing but work on my website. only interacted w/ one other person. and i swear, back to work today was like a shock. the sudden stimulus of bouncing off everyone else's moods, gripes and squabbles. the phone ringing, people wanting stuff from me. it was too much for me to handle! i didn't answer my phone or check email all weekend, and it was sooo nice.

work was stressful, and i came home all in my head, gripy and miserable. pulled up, closed the car door, and from across the street, a little meow lifted me out of my depts and put a great big smile on my face! whoooaah. that is happiness. that brings me joy. i picked him up and he was all full of purrs and mews. whoah! i wish i could make him happier. he seems depressed lately too. wish i could take him on the road with me, or find a way to make a living that i could have money, flexiblity and freedom so i didn't have to do it this way!

FREEDOM, sweet freedom

so it's been a hellacious weeek at the looney bin
and just in general i suppose
trying to eat healthy and not spend the $40 i have in my checking account until tuesday makes me want to do 2 things with a ferocious desire that it's almost impossible to deny: 1. eat every sugary thing not tied down and 2. spend that money

i've been really emotional too, for god knows why
i cried about missing interlochen yesterday
and then about missing kate
not really her so much, but about missing the feeling of being that close to someone
she was really the 1st person who ever hugged me; the only was who wasn't afraid to touch me
she said she loved me ; we were such opposites, but in a completely compatible way. we complemented each other so perfectly that we would refer to each other as 'my other half'. we even wore those necklaces with 1/2 a heart that together made one. i remember the audio tape letters she used to send me almost every day- and how they were like a miracle, brightening up my whole world; that relationship was one spot i could go to in order to escape my reality.
she was closer on a soul level than any guy i've ever dated. and that being gone has definitely left a void.

once again i have been so so devoid of any close human interaction for so long that i'm really starting to miss it

on the other hand, i have no ability to deal w/ people whatsoever, and i'd just assume live in the woods with my cat. dealing with people is just not in my skill set.

one of the pricks at the looney bin started to go off on me today and i got up and walked out. i mean, what kind of a constructive discussion ever starts out with "i don't know what your bitterness with the world is all about, but......"
fuck that. he's got a slew of emotional and maturity problems, i knew better than to even play his little 7 yr old on the playground game.

BUT, on the other hand, he is one of 3 people in that office of 12 that i don't speak to at all because i loathe passionately.
how ridiculous is that? i'm sick of this. i hate people. i really do. i have big blow outs with people, and then never talk to them again. that's what happens, time after time. with my bosses, boyfriends, friends, and coworkers. i've never ONCE had a job that i got along with everyone. never once had a job that there wasn't at least one person i hated so much i felt nauseous everyday when it came time to go to work.

aside from that, i am pissed off all the time. i'm tired of it. driving infuriates me. the world seems to be full of stupid idiots! i must be hard to get along with. if the common demoninator is always you, right? i have no conflict resolution skills, no people skills period. i feel walked on and taken advantage of daily.... i just don't know when people skils were taught, but i was absent. maybe they weren't. i've seen enough of these people like this prick to know that course must have been poorly taught, if at all. regardless, i seem to have less than most people have in the department of people skills. i've tried therapy and various other modalities along that line, and no one ever addresses that. no one ever tells me how to deal with the arrogant, dyslexic, incompetent creep who starts name calling and walks out of a room swearing when the conversation isn't going his way. or the nosy-ass control freak who won't stay out of my shit. i need someone to tell me how to A) not let these people push my buttons, B) how to respond to them, and C) for christ sake, how to stop attracting these bottom feeders in the first place into my jobs and relationships.

at the end of the day, i got the word that i had the day off tomorrow, and i swear to god, it was like someone had opened a cage on a wild animal. FREEDOM. nothing better. nothing. i mean, this one has a run on hot showers!!!!

anyway, what to do. i am so sick of myself and this life i keep creating the same way. it's like some stupid fool trying to put together a puzzle the wrong way, even tho he's tried it that way 95 times and knows it doesn't work. my life doesn't work. i hate my life. and i don't know how to do it any other way. i just don't. should i try therapy again? fuck if i know.
the last thing i want to do is run off again, thinking this time i'll solve it, and end up right back in the same place again. i just don't think i could take it.

Errands & Lies

3:39 pm
i realize i am amazingly lucky or spoiled or whatever to be "done" with my day at this hour
i feel more like frazzled. donno how these 9 to 5 ers do it frankly,

time to put my money where my big mouth is in regards to this trip
so far it's been talk- big talk
and an idea in my head; verbage
haven't set anything in motion or in stone until this week
i scheduled my vaccinations- $1180 worth, thank you
christ

that, i guess would be the point of no return
i realize it's only a sign post; a fictional marker on the trail
we've already catapulted way over the point of no return
this madness here has grown into intolerable and i fully well know that i have to get the fuck out of this life that isn't working
again....or is it still?
but this literally puts my money on the line

i've been a good little cog this week
forgoing exercise (forgot what that was anyway, with the time change and our measley version of fall)
and any kind of relaxation time for myself
been knee deep in those goddamn "to do" lists:
oil change, pay car reg, laser, sign up for paperless bills, send in parking ticket fine
basically spending all my "free" time giving my entire paycheck away to various entities who demand it, in order to sustain my current situation. that's the american dream isn't it? seems more like a nightmare to me

most days i can safely say, i got maybe an hour of contentment, either in a tv show, a mocha frapp (yes, i fell off the wagon), or a moment w/ my son, all day. that blows

and work..... where do i start with that? has become completely and utterly intolerable. 2 weeks ago they started inventorying everything, pulling asset reports, receivables, etc., coinciding w/ our worst month ever, where profit reports showed us losing $30,000 in one month. i was assured by not only my boss, by the 2nd in command, that everything was fine and that they were just applying for loans and such- not intending to sell the company.
so today, the 2nd in command forwards me an email from boss #1, without too carefully deleting their dialogue. and i notice the title of the email from their back n forth was "getting ready for a sale"
i email the 2nd in command, who had already assured me they were not planning to sell the company, "so we ARE selling the company??". and i get a round about response.

this is BULLSHIT!!!! obviously i have been filed under dispensable employee, replaceable trained monkey.
see, with this job, we have all be given a trade off. we have no official days off, holidays, health insurance, raises or year end bonuses to speak of (only what each of us has been able to finagle through a personal negotiation with the boss, which in my case, is only health insurance- no dental, and about 3 weeks of random vacation a year)
the trade off is working in a low key place and being able to take an afternoon off whenever we need to. i have not gotten 1 raise in 3 years; in fact i make less now than i did when i started. so we've traded away the corporate politics for making peanuts.

we've sacrificed having a 'career' or any kind of advancement to hang w/ this guy's fly-by-night operation. and somehow along the way, i deluded myself into thinking i may have become an esteemed 'collegue' rather than just some dispensable cog on a "need to know" basis. being left completely in the dark, and worse yet, flat out lied to, when paying my bills is dependent upon this paycheck just really blows. he at least owes us a straight answer. seems like everyone knows but us. and the writing is on the wall. we'd have to be stupid to miss it. just feeds right into my 'i don't matter' life theme.

Roadtrip

The open raod beckons, rough and uneven, glistening with the afternoon sun. Wandering off in the barren distance, promising solitude and serenity. The more desolate the path, the stronger its appeal. Funny how i always ran from the solitude, in search of crowds and bustling cities full of constant activity, only to find that the emptiness wasn't in the trees or the endless cornfields, it was inside of me.

of course i would end up in LA, a city of millions. I am a person of extremes- a black and white person with little concept of balance or middle ground. I came here to run as far away from that small town prison as i could- maybe. Seemed at the time like following my dreams. But maybe it was a stubborn desire to prove taht i could make it in a world those people never even dreamed about.

At first it felt miraculous. a dream come true. i fought sooo hard to get out of that hell hole, only to end up right back in another. When i finally made it out, i was in heaven. People everywhere, wall to wall activity, not a moment of quiet. the complete opposite to the lonely emptiness i felt, staring out our kitchen window at the complete blackness, feeling like i was the last human being alive, because the world had been sucked up into the void of night.

6 years later, it's the very same things i cherished that have turned into such annoyances that i want to run away to places so remote that no one could find me to ask anything of me.

Like i said, i am a person of extremes. I've never been any good at accomplishing things or dealing with the complicated nature of human relationships. the only way i know to change a bad situation (which they all seem to turn out to be) is to fly the coop- to run as far away as my feet will carry me, in the hopes that the next destination will be better and that everything will finally be ok. Todd the Wet Sproket sings a song which totally captures that need to flee. They sing "Somebody told me. this is the place, where everything's better and everything's safe"

Except i always end up re-creating the same ugly world i just fled from, and getting myself stuck in the same ruts. I keep asking for help, but no one teaches me the skills to survive in the human race, the skills i missed hiding in a corner while a roomful of my peers taunted me. No one will teach me how to deal with the 90 % of the people in the world who move slower than me or aren't as smart or effficient. How 'bout when friends hurt you or people take advantage of you?

God, how many people know that the mountains turn purple in the late afternoon when the sun is setting? How many people take the time to count the ridges and folds in the mountains? to soak up the beauty of a sunset.
I can't wait to be on the road with some serenity.

The definition of INSANITY

chronology of the day's events:
(not a particularly unusual day; just a plain old ordinary middle of the week day)

get up at 8,
do a 1/2 hr of work on my home computer for my 2nd job
get dressed, narf a bowl of cereal, fix my hair
go to work

lunch: come home, heat up some soy chicken nuggets while signing up for online bill paying of my cell phone
(the task i tried repeatedly from work without success). spend most of my lunch on this
pay my bill, which, since i didn't pay last month, is now $98

3:00 pm: home just long enough to throw some laundry in the washer
get in the car and drive to see my 2nd boss to go over some accts with him , which only takes 15 min (half the time it takes to get there and back)
stop at the gas station
wait in line
argue with and almost hit some guy who was in the way and acting quite stupid
get gas- a $38 debit
drive to the grocery store
check out
another $40 transaction
the cheap flea shit i tried to buy is not scanning, and of course it's the only one in the store
the lady tells me she can't sell it to me, which means i now have to go to the pet store and buy the expensive shit bc my poor son is trying to scratch all his fur off
go to the pet store, spend $46

get home, look for parking, put away groceries, knock a knife off the counter, pick up the broken pieces, switch the laundry, dose my son with flea treatment, and throw a pizza in the oven (the only frozen thing i bought amonst the fruit and veggies i'm supposed to be eating; but i'm hungry and making a salad is way too much effort)

so let's recap:
it's now 4:30,
i have been awake for 8 and 1/2 hours, i haven't had ONE enjoyable moment yet today
i've spent the entire day running around doing errands and 'to dos' or sitting at a desk
the kitchen is a total mess
the sink is full of dirty dishes
the clean laundry is sitting in a pile on the floor
i've spent $126 (in ONE day) of my measely $1200 paycheck that i just got monday
and tomorrow i have to give the laser people another $450 of that $1200 because i was cursed with satanic hair from hell that will never go away
i've eaten crap all day
the sun will set in a 1/2 hour - so much for exercise today
and i'm exhausted.
the last thing i want to do is go anywhere, but i've got a spanish lesson an hour away scheduled for tonite

and THIS IS THE AMERICAN DREAM????????????????????????

this is my life. not just today. everyday. for the past 12 years. no wonder i'm burnt out.
does this seem insane to anyone else but me? i'm sure it's less stressful if money wasn't always totally lacking, but still. this is not fun. and little moments of social get-togethers don't make up for this daily grind.

I
AM
DONE!!!

i don't get it. i really don't. how do people do this? how do people do this when they have to work 9-5? or have kids?
i don't want to play this game anymore!