the Burn

man,
i had no idea this burningman thing would be so huge
i've heard so many people refer to it as this great spiritual experience
i was freaked out when i read the packing list- christ
and i've spent all month packing and buying shit
had no idea it would be this expensive or time consuming
but in the last 2 weeks, the freak has been replaced by excitement
i've got a taste of this community, and they rock!
if you need something, someone is there- willing to help; nice people looking out for each other
how amazing

and frankly, a week without a computer- PARADISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
no cell phone, coomputer or money. the 3 things that seem to bug me the most

god, it'll be sooooo cool - no money. to barter for everything
i printed out quotes on laminated cards to give out as fortunes

i'm excited
part of me thinks maybe here are my people
we'll see

what i didn't expect is what's been going on in my mind
i wrote my mom this letter that was like , 'ok, i give up. what WAS it that made my brother the golden child? and why did you resent me'? and surprisingly, she didn't get mad

apparently people bring momentos and stuff to burn in the big fire
so i think i am going to write a letter to my mom - a resolution letter- a 'i didn't get what i needed from you as a mother and i've been really angry, but i have to let this go to move on with my life' letter. and another momento of ....... something else to put behind me (contents have been edited for privacy reasons)

would be cool if this were really another turningpoint for me
a way to really put the past behind me and start a new future

~firefly

songs i dig

hey, g
thanks for the zap!

sad to say, i don't think i can even think of 5 songs i am digging right now
radio in my car doesn't work and not being the dj at work, i'm subject to some pretty tired ole iTunes
but
i do have a few

1. Forever by My Side by the Alarm
i'm embarrassed to admit this one
my cousin had this song on her wedding video back in the 80s and i loved it so much
i've been trying to find it since
found it the other day and just bawled
i think it reminds me of that fairy tale, 'happily ever after' nativite of my youth!

2. Mr Jones by Counting Crows
for the line
"believe in me because i don't believe in anything"
i've been stuck in that mindset since 95
and now it's time to deal with it

3. Something i Can never Have- by nin
just reminds me nicely of the rage :)

Brat Camp

How embarrassing but i totally identified with those kids
those angry hurt kids
i'm still one of them
i'm still an angry little girl trying desperately to get some attention
to get someone to listen to me; to acknowledge my presence

most of them had a good reason to be pissed off tho
dad dying, molested, mom a heroin addict

coach says i'm still blaming everyone
ok
looking back on my writing, seems just like i still need someone to feel sorry for me

i want what those kids got
a chance to have intensive one-on-one therapy for 2 months in the middle of nowhere; someone to sit down and listen to me
take me seriously; listen to what i've been thru
ask me how i felt about everything
allow me to be angry
i'd love that experience
to be challenged phsycially ; in nature
without ANY stuff
without any of my comforts to distract me
like i said, one on one counseling
strenth building- emotionally and physically

maybe i should go on one of those women's quest retreats
starting over?
month long mediation retreat?
i donno. something radical
hopefully traveling will purge this out of me

i'm tired of carrying it around

i think the reason i have carried it around for so long is because i just wanted someone to listen to me

started thinking about page patch today
and started crying
and the pain was still there- strong and raw
i'm still angry about that
still feel the rage

it's not resolved

funny thing tho
there was something new today
it went down in the books as 'god led me there and then abandoned me'
but what i had never realized is that i TOTALLY disregarded my intuition on that one
maybe THAT was god telling me not to go
when i got the job offer, mom was celebrating and i went in my room and cried
i did NOT want to go; i felt like i had no other choice so i did what i didn't want to (man that's familiar)

another high price of not following my intuition ?
so that was interesting

maybe there's still the pre-landmark phenomenon going on-
where i have to wreck things and make a total mess of my life just in the hopes that one day someone will notice and give me some pity and attention

if i just let it go
no one will ever know that things sucked
but i won't care either

Full Circle

So we are
back where we left off at in 1994, where i abandoned the notion of god

i left there with almost nothing i came with- my church, my support network, hope, faith, belief, passion, my best friend. but i'd gained a few things- namely rage, cyncism and sheer independence

i basically left everything at the door and took off running;
i adopted mitchell's view of god, which was,
'either there is no god, or he's a son-of-a-bitch'
i chose the former
and that being said, took off, declaring myself better off. i was all i ever had anyway

and now a decade later, still trying to get my life to make sense, can't get past the anger and the bitterness
i've come to a stopping point; a wall if you will
my life coach told me that the problem is that i don't believe in anything
and basically, that my life wouldn't turn around until i did
so now we're full circle

and what a coincidence that is because my counting crows song came on today
one of the ones i used to listen to back in the rage days.
the line says
"believe in me, because i don't believe in anything"

and i remember being so thankful for monster for doing just that- believing in me when i didn't believe in anything anymore
and wanting so badly for someone to give me hope

now i'm being asked to believe again

in what? god? why? why is that necessary
what if there is no god
what if all our power comes from within us
and we go around asking for strength from some entity that doesn't even exist?
and all along we were doing it on our own strength, but not even realizing it.

i'm irritated to still be stuck at a point where i was over ten years ago.

Anger

Anger,

What makes me angry?
Drivers on the road, waiting on slow or stupid people, the sales’ reps incompetence, tim’s arrogance, judy’s greediness, the reps apathy and constant goofing off- taking advantage of the boss, not getting a new printer, not using a collection agency, boredom, having to sit at a computer all day even tho I hate it, having to ride a desk even when I have nothing to do, being stuck in a bldg, being in air conditioned or dark places, seeing judy make $7000 in 2 weeks, what I can’t figure out how to do in 6 months, working so hard for $, seeing assholes without a conscience prosper, seeing everyone else get what I want and can’t have, people who smoke out the window and fuck up my air, people who throw trash on the streets, illegal immigrants getting free health care, the cost of gas, the cost of housing, traffic, fighting thru hoards of humanity to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, never ever having down time, never having enough time or $, lack of everything in my life: boyfriend, apt, job I love, friends, travel, time, balance, serenity, joy, sex, etc. etc., being smart and capable but still making peanuts, people taking advantage of me, no way out, the constant struggle in my life, my always “on ” brain, the constant obsessive analyzing, categorizing and worrying (why can’t I just relax and play without always having to figure it out?)

I’m angry at mom for loving my brother more; for treating him better- treating him like the golden child; like he was made of glass. For not treating me like a person, but more of a nuisance- for being emotionally checked out and blaming her issues on me. For telling me it was me who could never be happy, when in fact, it was her. For loving her solitude and brandy more than us. For never being proud of me, for having ridiculous expectations – that nothing I ever do or did was good enough, for deflating and discouraging every dream I ever had. For comparing me to my brother- for pitting us against each other and then wondering why I hated him, for raising us in a damned cornfield, for sending my brother off to a brain school and deciding that shitty ass hell-hole was plenty good for me, for never ‘getting me’ but claiming to. HA

I’m angry that I’m such a failure.
A song from the 80s came on the other day, and I commented on how it brought back some nostalgia. Something that was gone now. When questioned by a coworker I said something like,
It reminds me of how I used to think,
That I could make a difference in the world
That everything was gonna be ok once I got free of this shitty little town,

And I really did thing that the only thing holding me back from soaring was that stifling environment. I thought I was so much better than all of them. And I did have more worldy experience, more passion, more aspirations to make something of myself than most of them. But many of them now have showed ME up. I thought I could change the world. I thought everything was going to be ok as soon as I got free from there. That I’d “show them”. I’m angry as hell that I’ve wasted 1/2 of my life being miserable. I thought I’d be powerful, that I’d accomplish something huge. I thought I’d be successful. Never once thought I’d be 34 and still not know what I want to be when I grow up, without a husband, a boyfriend, a good paying job or a great group of friends. I’m so disappointed in myself. When I was young, it was their fault- there was no opportunity there- I was stuck in a prohibitive, closed-minded environment. That’s why I was unhappy and unproductive. Now I’m free of them. So it must be my fault. Must be something wrong with ME. God, maybe I AM ordinary? God help me, no!

I’m angry that It takes so much hard work to make money. I’m angry that I have to spend my time doing things I hate. My days are filled not with what I want to do, but with things I hate. I’m so angry and frustrated that I don’t know what to do for a living or how to be happy. I’m angry at the other drivers and the traffic because they are wasting MY time- all my time is other people’s- I spend my days on someone else’s clock. So I feel like I have no time to do what I want. And here are the other drivers and stupid people I’m waiting on wasting the little bit of MY time that I DO have. Similarly, work irritates me because I don’t want to be there.

Spend time w/ a good friend today. Told him I’m looking forward to the day where work is work and the rest is play. I told him how I went to the park yesterday, journal in hand, and came upon a group of 15 people playing football, and how tired I was of being the solitary, angst-ridden, analytical type with the journal- trying to figure it out while others were playing. I want to be the social one-the one to be actively playing on a Sunday without a care in the world because everything is handled. I’ve really self-imposed that role on myself as an adult, and It really doesn’t fit anymore. I AM a social creature. Could it be I’m returning to the path of who I was destined to be before it got train-wrecked with the birth of my brother and all the teasing? I am truly tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders- being solitarily locked in prison while others play.

Had a cool conversation with the Ps today. Mom wants to fly out here to be with me for the follow up mammogram. She obviously cares. So why am I still living in storyland with her? Angry at childhood events? How ridiculous. She had her own issues obviously. It couldn’t have been easy raising 2 kids in a foreign country with a husband who was always gone. And yeah, she favored my brother. She even admits he was her favorite. For whatever reason, she had issues with me. And mostly, I’m sure she just wanted quiet. Like bill cosby says, “parents aren’t interested in justice, they just want quiet”.
So what? Am I still angry about all that? I think I realized why I’ve always gravitated towards situations and people who do me wrong. It’s the lack mentality; thinking “that’s the best I can do” and not believing there is infinite abundance out there I can tap into. But why do I stay and fight with these abusers? Why do I need to convince them that I was wronged? Why do I need to see justice? Is it really because it wasn’t fair when I was 6? Is it really because I was wronged then and nobody cared? I can see how the chair incident started a pattern. I was hurt and my mother wouldn’t listen to me. She didn’t care. Nothing I could do or say would get her to listen to me. She disregarded me. Thus began the story of how ‘no one listens to me’ and ‘I don’t matter’. I see myself pleading today with people in the same manner as I pleaded with her to listen to me. “but you don’t understand, I was wronged”. Am I still trying to convince her?

Who knows
I realized today tho, that I’m only angry M-F
I’m only angry when people take away my freedom. This freedom thing for me is HUGE. Freedom seems to be the most important thing to me. And the thing I never have. It translates into being angry at having my time wasted and not having enough money to have the things I want.
I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
PERIOD. That’s it. Anytime that is threatened, I am angry.
I’m a spoiled little kid who resents having my time dictated to me. I saw my dad hate his life, commuting 2 hours a day to a job that made him miserable because that’s what you “have to do”. And I decided I’m never going to do that. And I’ve refused to give that up-remaining a big kid about and around that ugly 4 letter word: “work”, trading freedom for money because I believe you can’t have both. “work sucks, and that’s just a fact of life”. That was my dad’s motto that got successfully drilled into my brain.

Sweet Justice

I've been told many times that "life's not fair", but i'm sorry, i'm just not ok with that.

a world without justice is just nowhere that i want to be. i mean, if that's truly the case, what's the point of being nice at all?
if there just isn't any justice or karma or whatnot, then why don't we just go around taking advantage of others to our benefit as long as we can get away with it?

this being said, as much as i try to disprove the theory that "life is not fair", i see evidence of it every damn day
the son-of-a-bitch bastard apartment owners that screwed me out of A LOT of money without a twinge of guilt or concern for me, people who throw their trash on the streets, nasty people who walk on others, care only about themselves and seem to not only make it, but prosper. i think, when are they gonna get their just reward? and most of the time i never see it. i just have to hope that in the end, somewhere down the road, someone will screw them twice as hard as they screwed me, or if nothing else, they'll come back in the next life as a tortured lab rat or something....

BUT.....
there are moments.
brief
shining
GLORIOUS
moments where i get to see karma come back and bite these people in the ass!!
and thank god, i can have a glimmer of hope again, that justice does come back around, even if we are not there to see it

here is one such story

flashback to summer of 2003. "princess" was dating "musician", and both of us being broke as shit, we'd hang out on venice beach all weekend- walking to and from the beach, rollerblading and whatever other free distraction we could find while our boyfriends followed their dreams of 'making it'

she was cool then. humble, fun, and a good companion.
well, she got fired from our mutual workplace
and subsequently decided that working for a living was beneath her

she sat around and smoked pot, collected unemployment and exercised fanatically for 6 months. that's it.
even tho she broke up with "musician", she continued to live with him, even getting him to pay her share of the rent in exchange for her getting counseling. mommy sent her money too, so thus began her notion of being a kept woman i think.

well she started dating "rich boy" and moved in with him only after 6 months. he made her a kept woman, took her all over the world, taking vacations to san fran, santa barbara, 6 weeks through europe and proposed in the bahamas. i admit i was jealous as hell.

but something changed in her. this thrifty, resourceful grounded woman turned into a spoiled little rich princess. soon she was nothing more than a bubblehead, who talked of no more than her handmade bras or her salon brand of makeup, getting her eyebrows waxed for $600 and how she'll clean NOW , but once she gets pregnant, he'll have to get her a maid. she'd TOTALLY lost touch of reality, not to mention the value of a dollar. and she took it all for granted- like she deserved to be spoiled like this. cocky. bitchy. she had a group of friends who were also little kept rich women who shopped all day and ate at expensive restaurants and bought $100 jeans.

we'd made plans to go to a hockey game together; knowing how much i loved hockey but that i was short on cash at the time, she'd offered to pay. well, a few weeks later when i followed up with her, she said something like, "oh well, i found out the tickets were $75, and you probably couldn't afford that anyway". feeling stunned, i reminded her that she'd offered to pay. and then she came back with some bullshit story, "oh my fiance questioned that one", she said. RIGHT this is crap. she'd just spent an hour bragging to me how she'd spent $2000 at fred siegal's in one day and he didn't even question it.
she responded, "well, he said to me, 'all your OTHER friends pay their own way'"
i reminded her that her OTHER friends were all little kept women of rich men. so then she said something that will always stay with me.
she said
"well, there is no reason that YOU should be treated to OUR lifestyle"

CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT ONE?????

know how you find the perfect retort, but not till later?
same thing. OUR lifestyle?? OUR ? she didn't do shit for that lifestyle. SHE was being treated to it too. and she'd forgotten that a few months ago she was in my position. and the only thing that'd changed was a guy who came along and rescued this bratty spoiled little princess. she didn't have a car of her own, a job, a place to live. it was all his.

well, i deleted her right then and there.

fastforward to Aug 2005
in a thrift store out of nowhere this vaguely familiar guy says my name
"musician????" "yeah"

here's karma coming back to bite this bitch

he tells me that "rich guy" broke it off w/ "princess" right before the wedding
and she went running back to mommy in Miami

now, call me sadistic or immature, or whatever,
but
THAT IS FUCKING GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before & After Moments

You know those defining moments that forever divide our lives into "before" and "after" this event? those moments that re-direct the course of our lives, and leave us forever changed? Well, i got to thinking..... what are my before and after moments....

1. My brother being born
From what my parents tell me, i was a delightful child; social, outgoing, happy, gregarious, well-behaved. They said they could take me anywhere. I have pictures of me feeding caulliflower to my dad amongst his collegues at their house parties. I was charming and confident. But then my brother was born........... sorry to say, things went downhill for a very long time. I would never be smart enough next to my brother. I was the unwanted one; the emotional one, the difficult one. He was the golden child, the genius, the one too good to send to the crappy little high school that was plenty ok for me. But what if.... Where was i headed before this turning point?
Hmm.... I would've been adored a lot more. I would've been daddy's little princess. And that would've meant a lot more. I wouldn't have felt stupid. I would've been enough.

2. The teasing at school
Betwen the new addition of the gaudi "golden child" and the immediate and unrelenting teasing I got from the kids at school from age 6 on, any self-confidence or social ease was forever obliterated. Gone was the charming, gregarious, outgoing, happy child. And her place was a timid, sad little girl who felt unwanted, freakish, and constantly out of place. All of the passion and creativity was turned inward into a dark world of isolation and vivid imagination. I turned to animals for companionship and acceptance. I lived in the world of TV to avoid my own reality. The Eagles sing a melochony lyric which bears a haunting resemblence to my life's path. They sing, "Your prison is walking through this world all alone". This is where it began. I learned fear of rejection and distrust of people. As a child, i was ostricized by no fault of my own. As an adult, I ostracized myself, to spare myself the pain of rejection.

3. Moving to Illinois when i was 10
I remember this so clearly. The situation in the Middle East became unsafe for Americans and my dad was getting transferred. Either to Pittsburg or Staunton, IL. At the time i wished so hard for Staunton. It was the familiar. We'd been spending summers there. It felt like home. To this day, I fault myself for asking the universe for that choice, feeling like my wishing swayed the final decision, which did come down to IL. In retrospect, I think i would've done better growing up in Pittsburg. We would've lived in a suburb instead of the isolation of a cornfield. Friends around, big school, lots of activities, more opportunities, more open-minded people. As opposed to living 5 miles out without the benefit of other children to play with and only being able to participate in band because there were no other opportunities in the sports oriented school. We would've been closer to NY, and I dream about growing up around Mom's extended family with a nostalgia for something i've never even known. I would've had the acceptance of my extended family to counteract the teasing. And i would've been much more well adjusted with the influence and acceptance of Marie, my mom's hippie sister. Then again, climbing fences, digging worms and having fights with well water gave me a grounding and a love of nature that i do cherish. And my crappy little school allowed me to achieve a high ranking upon graduation.

4. Interlochen
Wow. I cannot stress the signifigance of this experience. It saved me life. It gave me life.
The first time EVER in my life, i was part of a group. I was "one" of the campers of cabin 16. We made amazing music in the great outdoors, we laughed, we cried, we lived lifetimes. I was surrounded by creative, talented, driven people, like myself! I was talented. I MATTERED!!!! It was the first time anyone ever listened to me like i was a real person. I achieved success. I learned that i could love and be loved. I felt the amazing and healing touch of hugs! I cried a lifetime of misery on kate's shoulders and she filled the gaping sorrow in my heart, by assuring me everything was going to be ok, and that i was loved. I was wanted! I was important. People listened to what i had to say, instead of dismissing me as 'what do you know, you're just a kid'. For the first time in my life, people looked beyond the hair on my body to what was in my mind. I spoke to intelligent people my age who were more interested in changing the world than getting drunk and fucking in the back seat of a car. There was a passion there and a drive that i connnected with. I found my people! It opened up worlds to me. One of the best experiences of my life. I wanted to live the rest of my life forever in that space. But then 8 weeks ended in a heartbeat, and i was ripped out of my new life; my home, the only place i'd ever known acceptance. and thrown back into the lifeless dungeon of small minded people, where no one cared about anything but football or getting drunk. no one had any aspirations or concerns for anything outside of that tiny little town. thank god it was only a year until college. it was a rough transition to say the least. "A mind stretched by a new idea never regains it's original shape"; I was not the same person I was when i left. And i fit in even less than i did before.

5. Going to U of I
This was definitely a life altering path. I do so wonder where i'd be now if i had chosen an East Coast school. I would've spent holidays in NY with my mom's family, and been close to them. I would know family on a scale i've never even imagined. Norman Rockwell Christmases under big trees, feeling the acceptance of being part of a group. I may have lived in NYC after college. Man what an experience. I may still be on the East Coast.

6. Tom
This guy forever changed who i am. He gave me the strongest identity I have, which is that of a vegetarian. He opened my eyes to animal abuse, factory farming, veganism, and political activism. I gave up leather, i gave up meat. And for the first time in my life, I stood for something and actually stuck with it!

7. Taking the job and moving to Pageland
I can honestly say, without hesitation, If i was able to wrangle a time machine, and do this one over, i'd run screaming in the other direction from this place. I lost everything i ever had in this experience. It left me completly shattered. I almost didn't survive it. In fact, the person who came out of that was not the same individual. It was a bunch of broken pieces, glued back together in all the wrong places. It was the end of "god" for me, the end of the "American Dream" and "happily ever after". Even more devestating than the loss of faith, hope and my boyfriend, was my best friend kate.

8. Quitting teaching and moving across country to CA
Thus began the journey to know myself. to heal my body and transform my mind. I'm glad i didn't settle for north carolina. I've had a whole world of experiences in CA that i would've otherwise missed. There have been so many opportunities here, and i think i needed to be in a big city, in a very liberal, forward thinking place to find who i really am.

9. Ali
A girl who came into the picture sideways and showed me how pitiful and lacking my social circle and community involvement was. Although it was a painful experience, It led directly to landmark and 2004, the year of "Carpe Diam", where i packed more living into one year than i've experienced in my whole life. I realized i have more capacity to be social than i thought, and that i love to be active.

10. Landmark
taught me that i always viewed my life as a vicitm; that situations were thrown at me, and i had no choice. I realized that it's up to me to create the life of my dreams. easier said than done, but a great deal of emotional healing from my past and potential for a future i want.