What DO happy people know

so i'm reading this book entitled 'what happy people know'. and my personal opinion of it mostly is crap
but the premise is to stop focusing on what isn't working and expand on what is or does. he asks some interesting questions. so let's do some blogging on them

when were you happiest? junior yr in college and the 1st yr out of college. the broads. god there was so much laughter there. like i haven't had since. silliness. quotes, pictures, antics, a language all our own. family
1st year out of college- i had the most balanced life then. pt job i loved, group of friends, soical life, volunteered at a food bank, played in a band and sang in the choir. i was happy except for my living w/ my parents

what makes you happiest? my son. feeling wanted. feeling loved. making a difference, feeling accepted, success, getting accolades for a job well done, creating a great piece of design (website, ad) or writing a great article and then getting it published. being in the company of animals- the purest, highest form of love on the planet, doing something that matters, having a social life, having friends, standing up for something

what do you like most about yourself?
i love the essence of me. an unbound spirit, the eternal child, naive and vibrant, in love with the simple joys of life, passionate, amazing spirit, one who wants to change the world and love the little girls so they can be confident, bold and free to blaze new trails and live their best lives , the visual, sensual person who can spend hours gazing at the sparkles on the water or soaking up the sun and kitty purr like it was heaven on earth. the one who notices so much that most miss, the unwavering determination, creative, expressive, compassionate one who loves animals and wants to do right

what creates that quality?
i think i was born with those qualities. it's what makes me special

how do you make that quality last?
the question is not how to make it last, the question is how to be that person on the outside, instead of only the inside

when did you have that quality the most
at interlochen, when i was part of a group, when people took me seriously, fighting for the animals, at the farm, after the farm, lobby day, meeting julia, hanging out w/ landmark people, the tree sitters, and any time i had a group of friends, when i saved the squirrel

how could you create more of it?
start standing up for things, be more in community? start surrounding myself with amazing people up to big things

what gives you peace of mind?
don't think i've ever had that. i'll let you know if i ever find it
the only thing i can think of at all is mother nature. she's so powerful and so perfect. but sadly, i think the asshole human race is going to win that one

what brings out the best in you?
easy, being around amazing people, being involved in a cause, fighing for what i know is right, standing for something, animals, hippies. amazing people. i always try to ride on their coatstrings in hopes that their brilliant light will rub off on me

who appreciates you the most?
ugh. another tough one. i'd say no one, but let's try. i guess, at the moment, my dad would make the list. this question could be much easier answered by who 'gets' you the most? monster, animals, my brother, linda, adam

what are your primary strengths?
intelligence, passion, perserverence, i can be inspirational and driven sometimes, intuition, and i think i see and express things differently than most. i think one of my best strenths is being able to stand in the middle and translate from one side to the other. i can go in the trenches and bring the story or cause to the general public and present it in such a way that they can understand it

what are your core beliefs?
i believe in taking care of the planet and protecting and loving animals, i believe in doing good and doing what's right, i believe we should all live our passion

what values do you live by?
whatever pays the rent (do we see a problem here)

who is in your emotional support network?
monster

what helps you feel most creative?
sadly, pain. anger, but maybe also simplicity. i've felt a lot more creative with my stuff in storage

did we learn anything here?
maybe only that i feel best when i'm highly involved w/ the human race, but that sucks. as monster put it, 'humans are hard work'. they are draining. and most of the time so frustrating, coniving, two-faced, self-absorbed and nasty that i just want to wash my hands of them. maybe a commune is the answer! i swear, being a writer so suits me. hole yourself up in an apartment with some cats. no interaction w/ the human race. every so often, put out some brilliant work and then get paid lots of money. no employees, no office, no one to answer to, don't have to be a leader, work whenever you feel like it.....aaah

Quiet

i've been craving quiet like it's this mythical place somewhere over the rainbow

lately after work, when i "should" be exercising, i've been coming home and sitting on my couch
fuck everything there is to do
i just want to sit so still that i disappear
no tv, no lights. just quiet
for hours
that's all i want to do
finding the motivation to do anything else seems akin to getting up to go climb mt. everest
what is UP?
i've felt this way all month
change of weather? fall bus? gloom?
i donno. except for a few peaks of sun, it's been constant gloom for 6 days now

i just know that i am so sick of having a list of thing to do looming over my head
laundry, dishes, clean the kitchen, take the trash out, feed myself, my extra job, sell my stuff, fundraise, go to the courthouse to get a copy of my name change, market my writing, renew my passport, etc.
it's overwhelming. i just want ONE minute where there is nothing i have to do. nothing. everything is done
i used to have those moments in catalina. that's the last time i remember it. of course there was the eternal lingering question of who to be when i grew up. but i had 1 job, and there were days that the laundry was done, my little 1 room house was tidy, the bills were paid, and i'd called everyone i knew on the island. i remember being bored out of my mind, but god, what i wouldn't give for a piece of that now. there's definitely something to be said for tiny little studio apartments.

On Holiday

i've been feeling like a maladjusted freak for being so stressed out over normal things like cell phones and bitchy coworkers that i need to run away to another continent.

i thought that there must be something way wrong with me for feeling this way. but the more travel sites i stumble across, the more common it seems. these aren't just retirees spending their hard earned money. these are young people like me who've had enough and realized that life is more than office politics and the latest suv. i've heard it refered to as 'career breaks', 'career transitions', 'vacations' and 'burn out'.

and, most of these sites are constructed by brits and aussies, who seem to realize the importance of getting away, "on holiday", as they call it.

the events of late add a lot of weight to my side of the argument. even the most small minded conservatives, like my parents, raise the biggest objection over losing the security of my job. well, hello, the way things are going this week, i'm concerned that it may not even be here the 5 more months left until i leave. bad numbers on the books are one thing. when they start inventorying computers and hardware and recievables and web stats, i gotta wonder if my job will even be there next month!

at any rate, i'm soooo ready to go.

A-ha

well, all of that overwhelming need to explain myself and this 'ludicrous' idea of leaving everything behind to trapse around the world seems to be disappating. more and more it seems crazier not to go -crazier to sit in traffic or deal with those insane people at work. now that is crazy!

I had an "A-ha" moment this week. it finally dawned on me why i have to go
I finally realized what i'm running from

It's the struggle.
what struggle, you ask?
EVERYTHING
Everything in my life is a struggle, and i'm 100 % burnt out from it. completely exhausted and drained in every way.
i can't do it anymore. It's an endless battle that can never be won. i just keep plugging away at it, and i'm tired. tired of running furiously only to end up in the same place. tired of trying to live simply in a complicated world.

This occurred to me after reading a few travel sites. i found one where the lady described her bowing out of the rat race to go travel as " intensive technology detox program". that's what it is. for me tho, it's more like 'societal detox'. i'm burnt out of everything and everyone except my son. (now what kind of fucking irony is it that i need to leave him to get a break from all the other annoyances.)

this dawned on me sometime yesterday, and it's one of those, 'thank god i finally figured out what this was' moments.
so i started making a mental list, and then i started realizing how true this is- how just about everything in my life really is a struggle. it's unbelievable. what am i always struggling with or battling against?

-junk mail (you buy 1 thing off the internet once, and are forever spammed with crap that takes 4x the effort to stop
-spam email (same thing here, visit one site, and you're bombared with spam)
-fighting traffic and hoards of humanity to do anything in this city; waiting on slow people and lines of people
-hurrying to get all my obligations done so i can do what I want to do
-never ending dishes, paper clutter, bills, mess, laundry, folding laundry, cleaning, shopping and cooking- it's overwhelming-takes all my time and keeps coming back- how does anyone keep this in check and have a life??
-fighting my body hair (even $8000 worth of the most advanced medical technology hasn't killed it) and it's all over the carpet, in my face, on the sink, all over the bathroom floor. it's maddening
-battling against the insanity, stupidity and apathy at work- a coniving bitchy, nosy coworker, a boss who doesn't believe in collection agencies and sales reps who run all kinds of stupid credit risk ads. it's a constant battle to get someone to listen to me; and they don't and it goes down just how i said it would, and then it's my problem
-the incessant gloom and the battle to keep myself from spiraling into depression when the sun doesn't come out for days
-the war my hormones rage on my body for 3 weeks every month, triggering my ibs and leading right into pms
-fighting the constant sugar cravings and stress based urges to stuff myself with all kinds of bad foods
-trying to eat healthy when the other household occupant seems hell bent on drinking himself to death at some point
-struggling to stay warm when i'm always cold
-those extra 10 pounds and the battle get myself to exercise regularly when the overwhelming urge is to lay on the couch
-struggling for serenity and quiet time in a loud, cluttered environment
-trying to 'figure' out who i want to be when i grow up and how to make a living doing something that i'd enjoy
-the money struggle- i never have enough
-fighting insanity and frustration daily because i'm working dead end jobs i hate- that pay crap, no less
-getting shit accomplished seems to be twice the struggle now that we're in the information technology. a simple phone call that took 2 mintues is now a 20 minute hold with an automated hell.
-fighting the apathy of the masses who think of no one but themselves and exercise a blatant disregard for the planet, using the reasoning, 'what do i care, by the time the consequences come around, i won't be here to see it'. thank you to "you know who" for this one. but it's a view more common than not. one i can't even wrap my brain around that just thinking about makes me defensive and crazy.

Road Block

god, i've been wholeheartedly heading into this trip, full throttle lately
clear
focused energy
working a couple hours every night
for the first time, seems like a direct path
i'm doing it

but tonite i was poking around the lonely planet site and read ALL these really scary commentaries by other travelers. about crossing borders and buses and mostly about rampant thievery and dishonest latinos, mugging and robbing tourists. this is the first time i've been scared. the first time i'm questioning whether or not i should go.
shit, latinos hassle me HERE in my own country. i seem to have their fucking number. and if the latinos there are anything like the losers here- disrespectful, lude, immature and creepy, than i'm gonna have a really hard time, especially not being fluent in spanish. how great could my spanish be by the time i get there? seems like the most important way to protect yourself. but border crossings and picking out legitimate taxi companies and currency exchanges and counterfeit bills.....! like, how could anyone prepare for that? i don't want to go alone. shit.
i just want to see the sights, why do i have to deal with all this?

it's funny how it's not the water quality, or the yellow fever or even the shooting poison frogs that i got hung up on. it's this. safety of a lone woman traveler. this really sucks. i hate being restricted by my gender. not like we don't have enough shit to deal with already.

in 2 days i have to sit in a doctor's office half the day so some stranger can grab and pull at my boob in order to squish it between 2 metal plates. and then another stranger will descend on me to tell me if i've staved this one off or whether my whole world will now be turned upside down.

do i get another chance to eat healthy and make some semblance of happiness of this messed up life of mine, or does my future vocabulary involve words like surgery, radiation and all those ugly scary statistics bounced around cold, empty, flourescent rooms?

this is not what i had in mind for a life, thank you.

it must be breast cancer awareness month, because i feel like i'm being bombared with it. why can't they just leave me alone? i want to run and hide under the bed. doesn't help that melissa etheridge is also getting the publicity from it. everywhere i turn she's there singing that song (which i can't listen to , by the way) or being interviewed. i read an interview with her, and it scared the hell out of me. sounds like chemo is hell on earth. (like we didn't already know that because it makes you puke), and then i went looking up statistics, and that scared the hell out of me even more. they don't ever say lifetime survival statistics. they quote 5 year survival rate. fuck THAT! jesus, i'm not interested in sqeezing another 5 years out. for christ's sake, i'm only 35. this shit is serious. haven't they tortured enough rats to figure this thing out yet? my god.

my parents are wigging out on this one. and i wish i wouldn't have told them. my mother is the consumate hypocondriac, and their worried energy makes it all too real.

so where do i go from here?
all i've wanted to do ; EVERYTHING i've been working towards since April, already 6 months now. everything i have planned for the future, is this trip to S America, and now i'm scared to go. don't feel safe.
so now what? i've given up my apt, many of my possessions, free time, movies, trips, etc.
if i can't do that, then what?

how am i ever gonna find what i want to do.

i am always so inspired by extreme home make-over. there was a couple tonite who opened up a camp for special needs kids. they are doing so much good. and i just cry, because i want to do something so amazing with my life.
but i look around, and good god, i have exactly the opposite going on. why can't i be that amazing? why can't i seem to do anything with my life? i can't even take care of myself. haven't gotten out of survival mode enough to even think about anyone else.

don't know what to do. my brain always wants to resolve a problem like this, to immediately figure out a plan. but i don't know. i just don't know what to do here.

Running from myself

As i said in the last post, i think my need to figure out 'why' i want to go to south america is based in the fact that part or most of the reason i want to go is that i'm running from something here. not just i want to travel for the sake of travel. but that something is wrong here. like i'm running from something. and i'm tired of running. i just end up re-creating the sitation i was running from. it's getting old, even for someone as dense as me.

so here's me in 'figure out ' mode again. not like this head game ever propells me anywhere new. but the need to figure out is just as strong, even tho i realize on a head level, that analyzing myself to death never gets me anywhere

so let's just humor myself. WHY do i want to go travel to south america

-i'm sick of staring at a box all day / being inside all day
-sick of spending my time with arrogant, incompetent, apathetic people
-sick of everyone's nastiness, impatience and road rage in this city
-sick of spending most of my time on 'have tos'. i have no freedom. it's all obligation
-sick of my cell phone. i feel like everyone wants something from me, and i want to be left alone
-i want to do what i want to do for once
-sick of traffic and waiting on slow people to do everything; fighting for parking at the store, lines at the post office
-sick of people throwing trash on the streets and the blatant disregard for the planet shared by the masses
-sick of how ugly this city is-trash on the streets, wall to wall cement,smog, trafffic, no nature
-sick of this rut and this routine. it's empty
-sick of social situations and the work it takes
-stuff , stuff, stuff. mail, email, cell phone msgs, solicitations. i want to live simply
-sick of struggling to make a living doing jobs i hate
-i want to live off the grid, using natural energy and living off the land, practicing sustainable living
-i want to work with animals
-i want to see every beautiful place on this planet before it is completely destroyed
-i want to hanglide over rio
-i want to do something that matters / make a difference
-i want to work at conserving the rainforest / helping natives preserve it
-i want to be outside everyday
-i want to see stars at night
-i want to see the rainforest, hear the sounds of it at night, feel it under my feet, smell it, taste it
-i want to go so far away that no one can ask anything of me without having to find me first

enough

i keep struggling as of late with 'why' do i want to go to s. america. stupid really. why does anyone want to do anything? cuz i want to. should be enough of a reason. if it were that simple, i'd leave it at that, but a lot of it is not just that i want to go there, it's that i want to get away from ____ here. or that something here isn't working. one of those things is that this life here doesn't fill me up. dealing with incompetent, arrogant apathetic people all day, staring at a box, numbing myself with the temporary solace of a mocha frappuchino, decompressing every afternoon just to get the stress of the day out of my system, only to face another day. it's not just my job. every job is like this. every job i ever had. i just can't deal with the 'suck it up for 5 days and then we'll give you 2' mentality. 80 % of the things in my life are things i have to do, not want to. and i'm sick of living that way. weekend trips and tues or thurs night socials don't make up for it. this life i've got going is so empty. it doesn't fill me up. so what does? what has?

-jezzie and kk, without a doubt- made me feel alive, loved, cared for, listened to. i loved them more than i've ever loved any human being
-holly
-interlochen- being part of the rest of us. success. talking with people who were also passionate, feeling loved. like i mattered. hugs. god, help me, sweet hugs, human touch, being listened to, making amazing music in the great outdoors
-SAR? , IV??
-kate
-my boyfriends
-the farm
-ali
-n. ca trip
-burningman
-landmark
-linda
what do these all have in common? feeling loved, needed, like i mattered, AND interacting with amazing people
my life is so dull right now. very much lack of inspirational, amazing people

6 Month Countdown

so here it is, 6 months before my departure date. i had this whole trip planned out. just needed the money. and what the hell? all of a sudden, it's muddled and confused. and i have no idea what i'm doing. the more i do towards it, the more things seem to crop up that need to be done.
jesus, it's so overwhelming, i wonder if i'm making this twice as complicated as it really is. god knows i have that gift, but damn. do i take my computer? how do i check email? what kind of camera do i take? what insurance do i need? shots? visas.
and by the way,
WHERE AM I GOING?
i'm so scared of traveling alone.
people post all the time that they are going traveling, and they just go. there's not all this drama. they don't 2nd guess and anaylze themselves over it. they just GO. why is action so hard for me?
i'm going in circles furiously