god money fucking sucks

impossible to get ahead in this world
i spent 4 hours having a garage sale sat
made $65
today i broke the shower head and had to pay my roommate $75
jesus
it's always like this for me
this past summer i broke my friends side mirror on her car and had to pay her $200
it's always something
unexpected bills
clumsiness
i feel like i shouldn't touch anything
i've broken silverware, plates, glasses, etc etc
what the fuck is wrong with me?
this fucking SUCKS

totally sucks
it's 1 step forward, 3 steps back for me
always
what does it fucking take?

Ramblings on the Amazon Trail

So i leave for south america May 14th. I'm wondering when i should tell mom. or if?
should i just send her a postcard from quito? i could probably not even tell them at all, except she wouldn't be able to call me. so she'd know something was up. i'm not looking forward to dealing with that whole thing.

once again tho, mom was off on this one. she's worried about what happens to me once i get there. but i'm realizing that the Amazon trail is not about what happens IN South America- it's about the journey to GET there. it doesn't even matter what happens once i'm there. All i have to do is get there and i will have succeeded. anything else is just icing on the cake. it's all about the fight to get there. and it is a battle.

i was identifying with the circus animals today. you know when you take animals out of the wild and try to domesticate them.... they'll never lose the call of the wild. so they'll always be miserable in captivity. and they'll try to break free; they'll try to break the rope. but it's stronger than they are. so they stop fighting. they learn fear. and then, even when they are strong enough to break free physically, they can't. the leash has become a security to them.

i know i have a tendency to be way too analytical and assign too much meaning to everything, but i feel like this trip is the battle of my life. the one i have to fight for if i ever want a chance at finding a chance of happiness, or even contentment. it's my lifelong battle, of being born a virgo, and being raised in a fear-based house of red people. i've always been at war with that. like i was dropped off at the wrong place. switched at the hospital? the virgo spirt, the conservative, boring, analytical, planner, worry-wart is my tendency, but it's not who i am. i'm so damned earthbound, it's like my feet are stuck in the mud.

then there's the heart of an aquarian pulling me upwards.... the one that wants to run up a mountain, raft down a river, feel the wind in my face, live in a tree, see, do , feel, touch, change the world, blaze new trails..... the fearless one.. the heart of fiery passion and the wingspan of a mighty eagle, designed to soar. (firefly). it's the call of the wild.

and these damned office jobs are like domesticating a wild tiger. tethering a giant hawk. they suck the life out of me. they kill my spirit. but my virgo keeps be tethered. and the opposing force pulls me upwards. i swear that is why i have IBS. someone pulled in opposite directions is gonna feel pain where? in the middle!

i have to go one way or another- give in to the boring ass virgo child and aspire to be no more than a librarian, or test out these wings and try to fly. and i know which way i have to go. and it's SOOO scary.

so i have to cut this tether. but it's terrifying. it has become my security rope. but at the same time it's killing me.
i guess the virgo is still fighting. raising doubt, playing devil's advocate. ("you did this twice before and didn't solve anything", it says...) ("what will you do when you come back? what are you thinking...." )

Wish this trip could just be a fun idea with no particular meaning or agenda. but on the other hand, what would it be like to not be at war with myself every second of my life? to not have to be pulled back 2 steps for every 1 i take forward? to be completely in tune and in life with myself and moving forward? i guess it's worth it just on the off chance that this trip will do that.

i decided i want to get a tattoo of firefly- the epitomy of my spirit-- a figure that's a fairy on top and a firefly on the bottom. and she will be a constant reminder to me of the message: "honor your spirit". she will be the visual representation of my spirit- a fairy- very feminine and aetherial- kindof half human and half fairy tale- someone in this world but not 'of' it- a being who lives in a fairy world, head in the clouds. i mean, that's definitely me- my head in the clouds, more in the dreamworld than reality. but then she's a firefly- she's got a light to shine. she can fly. the firey passion lights her up and shows the others the way. i can be very inspiring when i'm on fire, when i honor and follow that passion.

so altho i've never been interested in a tattoo, this is the only image i can imagine putting on my body permanently. i want a reminder visible to me. problem is, i can't get a tattoo anywhere i'm having laser hair removal- which is almost everywhere. i knew a girl who had a chinese symbol for harmony on the inside of her wrist, and i just loved that. but the sign for fire is really lame. and i think firefly is more of a visual clue to my brain. it prbly won't fit on the inside of my wrist. and i really hate all the typical places people have tattoos. soo.... once again. easy thing. let's make it difficult.
maybe the inside of my forearm by my elbow. we'll see.

Some help PLEASE

god, would somebody PLEASE tell me how to deal with the asshole human race!!!!
please

i so feel like i got dropped off on the wrong planet
jesus, i don't know where my people are, but they are not here!

assholes everywhere i go
everytime i turn around

the accountant at my other job has been a flaming asshole
last email he sent, directed me to "please look at these dates VERY carefully before sending me this report"
ok, right there? PRICK. bite me. then, i emailed them to him. he bitches, 'that doesn't work for me, please fax them'
i fax them. THEN he has the nerve to complain to me that i faxed them landscape style, instead of portrait.
are you kidding me?

then one of the assistants over there accuses ME of losing two $19,000 bills last week, even tho i'm 100 % sure i never got them. today she bitches to me in a very nasty, condescending email that 2 of the checks were written out with some kindof wrong coding or some shit. she asks if she needs to circle them to be more clear to me. oh my god.

i go in to work today, knowing i have a dental appointment at noon. i have a pile of work on my desk that i know will take about 2 hours, so it's perfect timing.

lucy-FUCKING-fur ends up 1 car behind me, coming into the office. she parks before me, jumps out of her car, and runs into the building so she can log onto the bookkeeping software first.

nevermind her old excuse, "OH, i didn't know you were here". that's clearly not the case today. so after an hour, i packed up and walked out. i have a million things to be doing, but instead, i'm ranting. and AWOL from work.

i can't deal with this shit, i really can't.
i mean, am i missing some gene that makes people capable of interacting with flaming assholes and situations like this on a daily basis? is there a prick magnet on my forehead that i keep attracting people like this?

i just don't understand what it takes to be around nice people?
some help here?
cuz i'm just DONE
the only one i can stand is my cat.

Nowhere to go but down.....

just had to quote the gin blossoms on that one
when you disagree with the boss, that's about all there is- nowhere to go with that

satan blew up at me today, right in front of the boss, no lesss, and that, apparently was fine with the boss
it's also apparently fine with him to run ads without billing, and late billing
oh. well, what the fuck am i making myself nuts over then?
i'm arguing for the better of the company, when everyone else, including the boss, is trying their damndest to run it into the ground.

satan goes on my top 10 despicable people ever. top 10 humans that should've been eaten by their mother at birth
he storms across the office, fuming at me, and tells me to "come here". fuck that. i saw him coming towards me, barely able to contain his upcoming explosion, so stepped into the boss' office, ensuring that every poison word was heard by the boss. to no avail obviously. the boss asks us to sit. i do. he says one thing, in a bitter tone, and then storms off.
the boss obviously wants me to chase him around for his billing. i won't do it. ALL i was asking for, for the love of god, was for his billing to come in with his goddamn ads. that was too much to ask for, apparently. i was told, 'eh, let 'em run free for a week, then take them out.' NICE. fuck that. why do i try. really?

here's my day today, thanks to satan:
i get a chargeback- someone fighting a cc charge. his order. he doesn't even know it's his. never heard of it before. i give him a photocopy of his own order and i get no response from him. we have no signed contract, and he apparently has never heard of this ad that he placed himself.
2. his classified runsheet comes in. he's managed to "sell" 10 ads this week. only 5 have billing.
3. one of his billings from last week has overlapping dates. i've emailed him about it, but i get no response from him. he doesn't answer my emails.
4. it takes him 3 hours to trickle in billing for 3 out of the 5 unbilled ads. the production person is going crazy because i told her not to put in unbilled ads, and as he's getting the billing in, she has to ad them and rearrange the paper.
5. i get a returned bill- one of his mispelled addresses
6. one of his renewals has a totally new spelling of the same name. which is correct? who knows. his rampant dyslexia has cost us god knows how much on returned addresses
7. i've been told he was rifling through my files while i was gone
8. i gave him notice that 11of his ads would come out this week, because they've expired. he lets me know that one of those should come out according to him- thereby explaining how he ran his classified section up to 3 pages of expired ads
9. the above mentioned childish rant, where he comes at me with, 'i don't know what you're obsessing about the classsifieds...' and then storms out of the boss' office

WHAT THE HOLY LIVING FUCK DOES IT TAKE TO FIRE THIS PROTOTYPE FROM THE PLANET PRICK????????

jesus, i'm tired of fighting.
apparently you need to own a penis to be taken seriously at that company, and frankly, i'm OVER it.

Firefly Hates Cages

This come home at noon to rant is becoming a regular thing lately. By 11 am i am so frustrated that i feel like i'm gonna explode and that i cannot take another second of it.

I booked my ticket yesterday. that's a whole 'nother blog right there, but suffice it to say that even the joy of that isn't enough to keep me above the frustration and bullshit i have to put up with daily at that place.

i feel completely powerless there. my job is to collect the money, but the window that the boss gives me/ the authority he allows me in which to do that, is so small, that i feel completely ineffective. i just keep banging my head on the glass ceiling at the top here.
collect money, BUT, the only 2 consequences that exist , 1. pull the ad or 2. send them to collections, you can't use

they owe US money, why should i have to suck up to them? fuck that. pay or get the fuck out.

whatever. it seems impossible to find a work environment that works for me. i must be the pickiest, least tolerant person alive. i started thinking of what would be the perfect work environment today, and there were so many factors, it's ridiculous- work with a small group of fun, easy-going people, no supervision, no micromanaging, no politics or corporate bullshit, no sucking up (notice how they are all negatives? haha) , no dressing up or mornings, a job i can achieve a high degree of competence at, sunny place, lots of outside time, flexibility, make my own hours, freedom, work with people i like, who have high ethics, work at something that matters, surrounded by passionate, creative people, be in charge of my job and my time. never mind what field it even is in, how in the world can any job fulfill all those ? or even most?

i love my son so much. god, he's the shining bright spot in every day.
and i can't help thinking if i could just get the fuck away from these awful people..... if i could have a source of income that gave me a flexible schedule where i could create my own hours, manage my own time, work from home, and be outside as much as i wanted, then i could be happy. really.
that's not so much to ask for is it?
i have a lot of lack in my life.... lack of friends, community, love, money, etc. but all in all, day to day, my level of contentment would rise 100 % if i could just have some feeling of control over the way i spend my day, instead of having my time controlled by everyone else- like a big money whore. sucking up and selling out just to feed myself.

if i could just be outside during the day and have freedom, i probably wouldn't have to run off to another continent.
now i'm pretty convinced i want to do it anyway for the sake of the experience, but there is that part of me that feels sooooo sad that i'm abandoning the ONE brightest spot in my world, the little guy who makes me happier than ANYthing else in my reality. he's the only thing that DOES work in my life, and i am leaving him to get rid of everything else that doesn't. feel like such a horrid mother. like i let him down. like i didn't try hard enough to make it work. i feel so guilty. i got him to keep me company and i'm running off and leaving....
well, now the bus drove up. so i better abandon that train...

again WHATEVER
my new saying when things suck and i can't do anything about them.
not good at rolling over and letting things be. hello, FIREfly?

Insights from the Looney Bin

As the Monday frustration level has already spiked at 'let's go take a woooooo saaaaa walk' at 10:45 in the AM because i cannot TAKE it anymore, i'm having some insights today. Instead of blowing up, i decided to take it in and let the feeling pass through me, kindof introspectively.
Here are some insights i had:
1. My boss and i have a COMPLETELY different stance on collections.
2. I hate bullshit. and mind games. the big H-A-T-E. that's why i'll never be a little corporate cog in a little corporate cube. or at the front desk of a hotel for that matter. you see, my feeling is, if someone doesn't pay, then pull their ad. period. give them x time frame, and if they haven't paid by then, pull them. his idea is to ask, beg, plead, use psychology and whatnot, while all the while, running up a 2 ton tab. now you see, why make things that difficult for yourself, or for more importantly , ME (and perhaps this is the problem). why should we chase people around for something they're supposed to do anyway. i got the word today regarding one of our most problem accounts, 'call him up and use guilt'. for the love of god, aren't there enough mind games in the world today? it's really black and white world to me. A. you signed a contract with a promis to pay, B. it's your responsibility to pay- not mine to chase you all over creation for money. (why don't people do what they say they are going to? is there anyone left on the planet with ethics???) C. you don't pay, you don't run. PERIOD.
i just don't get this whole shrink them, chase them thing.
like i said, operating with the human race on a daily basis is hard enough without creating mind games on purpose.
3. I feel like nothing i do here matters. nothing. i'm nothing but a glorified chair warmer
4. We already know i have a thing a mile wide about 'being walked on'. story of my life. the scenario that repeats itself relentlessly in every chapter of my life. well, our company policy is just that. from the top down- "pay if you want to. if not, well, we're not gonna do anything. no consequences". and that bothers me just as much as if it were me with the soft backbone. the fact that we let customers dick us around like this, cry poor, evade calls, stiff us for money regularly and our only action is to beg them for money, well, that just makes me sick.

my roommate would have me believe that there is no inherent frustration here and that it is I who have the bad attitude. christ, i feel like i am doing everyting i can to bring money in here, and in front of me, is everyone else, each throwing buckets of money out onto the street. and here i am behind them, trying to scrape it off the sidewalk, keep them from throwing it out, etc. and everyone hates me for it. i'm the bad guy for trying.
what does pierce say in mash? 'i might as well go crazy and be inconspicuous'

Contrasts

god, where to begin...
it's been a roller coaster. my australian friend whom i met online as i was following her travels, arrived in LA last tuesday, and brightened up my whole world. she's amazing. so fun, so happy, so carefree, cool. her friend rob was super cool too. they stayed with me thur-sat, then went to vegas, then tues again, before heading off to see the ellen show and then on to san fran.

i was so struck by their positive attitude. they were in the back of the house, doing laundry and singing and laughing. i said to my roommate, "can we keep them?" they are those type of people that just make you happy to be around them.
i want to be like that. and it seems like that kindof attitude makes traveling a lot more fun. sigh
they were so fun- they'd written to ellen, asking for her to put them up and pimp their ride. and sunshine did seem to follow them around. at universal studios, they got to see a free taping of according to jim. then the entire ellen audience got taken backstage to the grammys. they had a blast everywhere they went. like they just expected everything to be great. but weren't ever disappointed if they weren't. again, how to they do that?

i felt like such an old worrying fart around them. a planner. but mostly, i felt like hermit. she's got a big group of friends back home who she's keeping up with, and who are waiting for her in london, with a place to stay when she arrives. i saw a pic of her going away party, and there were like a dozen people. and she's the kinda person you know just makes the best out of everything. she was probably fun at the office too, even tho she didn't particularly like it.

when i go, i'll be basically washing my hands of the world and i won't have anything to come back to.
i think i've been doing it all wrong- disconnecting from any social life when i should've been keeping it strong.
she made me think my logic was wrong. i've been a hermit because going on trips and out w/ friends costs $$ , which i'm trying to save. but maybe i wasn't necessary to do it that way. could i have a social life and still saved????
maybe it's just apples and oranges. not that i could've had people over here. and yes, it is expensive to go out. she saved for years, i've been trying to accomplish it all in 1 year.

comparing is a bus straight to hell. i know.

but just as she was drawing all over my world with a fushia marker, in start constrast to that has been the rest of my reality.
i just feel so disappointed in the human race. it's hard not to be angry all the time.
i come home all grumbling and pissed off, on edge, for lunch, to my son, waiting for me in the window, meowing, and it's like a miracle. i'm happy. i grin. he lightens my whole world. the same for getting out in the sun during the day. a miracle.
i swear to god, i just want 2 things:
to be outside, and to be free to do whatever i want

i stopped at taco bell today, and asked for a variation on something on the menu. the dumb-ass guy at the counter had to think about it for 15 min, and then tried to charge me extra. i was 15 CENTS short, and instead of just giving it to me and keeping a customer happy, he had to argue over it until i just had to abandon the idea.
what is wrong with people???

yesterday i emailed/called a few friends of mine who had friends in san fran, to ask if anyone had a place for kate and rob to stay. an i was soo surprised by how people were like, 'well, i donno.... i don't know these people... you're asking a lot....'
good fucking god, if i say these people are good people. they are good people. it's gonna put you out THAT much to let a few people crash on your floor for 2 nights?? again, what is wrong with people??

let's not even get started with work.
i am at home now, at 11:45 am because lucy-FUCKING-fur demanded the bookkeeping software, and when i asked how long she needed it for, she said, 'a while'. fuck that bullshit. so i packed up my stuff and left. figure i'll be doing something else for 'a while'. it drives me WILD when people waste my time. bitchbitchbitchbitchbitch

the accountant that i have to work with for my 2nd job has been sending me these god-awful poison emails. so today, i'd had enough and i was like, 'what the fuck?..... did i do something to piss you off?'
he responded with, on no, you're doing a great job. .......
??????????

why is it so hard for people to be nice? would someone PUH-lease answer me that question???

i'm reading all over my internet research how you can see the rainforest, sure, but you won't see any animals. the oil companies have scared them all away. now isn't that lovely? the next person who tells me drilling in wild places doesn't fuck it up, is going to get a slap in the face and one hellofa lecture.

could someone please tell me how to survive amongst the human race without letting all this burn me up inside?
this world is so fucked up!