A Spark

talked to my lifecoach yesterday
yes, i know, how very la
but according to my mother, the 'nuts and flakes' live out here. and since i'm 'bohemian', ca suits me well
oy!
but i digress

i was talking to my coach yesterday and relaying how my mediation tape referenced a redwood tree, and that reminded me of climbing Ani, which led to writing that article, which led to me emailing shunka to ask him if she was still standing, and how that re-ignited some spark in my spirit

"i belong with the hippies", i told her

not that arcata screamed out to me as the place i want to settle, but the community.... the people...
i had more community there in 3 days then i've been able to muster up here in 6 years.

recently i've felt all nostalgic for the place where i belong;
for HOME
only i've haven't found that place yet
so i'm nostalgic for something i've never even known

i've been saying to the universe lately,
"i want to go home"
and hoping that somebody out there somewhere knows where that is, because i haven't figured it out yet

but in telling my coach that i belonged with the hippies, that was in fact a victory. claiming that free-spirt side of me, who i know to be my true self. and telling my virgo child, sorry girl, you are who my parents wanted me to be; not who i really am, and you're just gonna have to back off cuz i'm not letting you hold me down anymore.

and so she told me to surround myself with people who's energy inspires me
people who are up to big things. people who will nourish my dreams

aaah.. what a thought
i felt better already

immediately, i had someone in mind
due to some quirk of fate, much like my own, she is here,
in this land of tinsel town, where your value is assigned not by who you are, but by the name on your accessory bag.
it's crystal to everyone, probably even herself on some level, that she belongs in humboldt county. she is of the very same make up of the tree sitters there. brave. defiant, passionate, free-spirited and not for sale.... here in la she is a fish out of water. and i know her heart aches to be away from where she knows she belongs. but she's doing probably more good here. la needs fired up, passionate, educated people to fight for causes most are too bubbled headed here to care about.

and thank god for me
being around her and all she's up to brings me a little piece of home. a little piece of where i belong among everyone else here who all seem to be as fake as the person i pretend to be on a daily basis.

if she were a cute guy, i'd marry her. her energy sets me on fire
i feel so alive around her. her spirit so matches the childlike likeness of mine
she's got such a young spirit. i know on some level, she still believes in fairy tales.
we talked about driving up to see the trees. and this time, she sounded even more interested

so i called her up and felt so alive and happy for the first time in, god, months.

happy like i forgot i was even capable of anymore.

and i was home, in the energy of who i am, if only for a brief shining moment.

the MONSTER

i come into the room,
"hey, the temecula wine festival is june 3rd-5th"

i respond,
"yeah, they're having a balloon festival soon too"

in an irritated voice,
"that's what i said"

"no, you said wine festival, you didn't say anything about balloons"

"same thing"
"well you're supposed to read my mind"

"don't be an ass"

"i'm not an ass. why would you call me an ass? " .........................

CUT to:

in a volatile, could explode any moment tone of voice:
"i really hate when you call me an ass. DON;T call me an ass. i'm not tolerating it anymore"

CUT to:
whatever. i'm ignoring him. he's sucking back his 2nd or 3rd rum and coke and slurping cheese, if you can imagine. didn't even know it was possible, frankly, but it's as gross as it is annoying.

in a cheerful voice, he says,
HEY! there's a walmart 1 mile from the new houses we're building.

i don't respond. let's just leave this guy alone now, i think

he responds, under his breath,
"guess that was you not caring or giving a shit"

can we say PASSIVE AGGESSIVE?

he feels unwanted and craves affection. wants me to think he's god's gift to man,
but he is SOOOO emotionally abusive.

he snaps at me all the time. if i don't read his mind, he'll snap at me like an asshole. i don't even think he knows what a prick he is. i wonder if i videotaped him and let him watch it, if he'd realize.

i used to not see it. question myself. what did i do to cause this?
but i don't anymore. i guess see how abusive he is. and try not to antagonize him.
and daydream about the time when the man sitting beside me is an even-tempered sweet man who treats me kindly and consistently

Running to Stand Still....

So she woke up
woke up from where she was
lying still
saying i gotta do something about where we're going

sweeter the sin
bitter the taste
in my mouth

you've gotta cry without weeping
talk without speaking
scream without raising your voice

she is raging
she is raging
and the storm blows up in her eyes

she's running to stand... still
-----
'nuff said, right?

Clarity Sucks

so i've been seeing my life more clearly lately
seeing my patterns
kind of like an observer
jeez, i can't do it anymore. i can't tell one more person that i've started one new thing

hated TEACHING. well that's no biggie. everyone makes mistakes.

but then the directionless path i took after that was really stupid. i guess running off to catalina was not much more than an escape route. a way out of teaching. the milling around was kindof frustrating. catalina in 97. off the island in 99.

wanted to go to film school. graphics. trying to get into the FILM industry here in LA, with no connections or schooling. didn't even know what i wanted specifically. i needed a job. rent money. and the only thing i had experience in besides teaching was hotel. so i did that. didn't realize that young people have no experience in anything. they just interview at some corporate place and work their way up. no one told me that. and i probably wouldn't have been interested anyway in a cube.

decided CINEMATOGRAPHY was what i really wanted. saw some shoots. couldn't be bothered with the hours. couldn't see myself up at the crack of dawn, doing pa work, or lugging those heavy grip cables around, working my way up the ladder. and it wasn't even glamorous like i thought it'd be.

saw ian and annie doing the animation and fell in love w/ that. took a few GRAPHIC/WEB DESIGN classes and loved it. so i started down that path. i don't even know what happened there. guess i listened to susan who said i'd have to go to art center college of design and take out hundreds of thousands of loans to end up at an ad agency for 5 yrs, starting at $10 an hour. i was already making that ; why take on all that debt? WEB DESIGN-i was failing flash miserably. i didn't think i could compete against flashers or coders. knew i couldn't ever do that. and after a year of classes, all the technology i'd learned had changed. so then what?

somewhere in there was ORGANIZING. i made yet another biz card- really cute btw. took on 2 clients. it was like psychiatry- talking these people out of their stuff. i never pursued it. and, oh yeah, there's my idea to PUBLISH MY OWN MAGAZINE which i have started and stopped a total of 3 times at this point, despite the fact that it is probably the choice that makes the most sense. and i can actually seee myself in a whole life with that. and, can you believe, WRITING MY OWN BOOK.

so then i had unofficially quit school. it was 2002, now what?MELALEUCA. but i sucked at sales. totally outside of my comfort zone. what was i thinking? i wanted the extra cash. and the part time hours, full time pay. suckered. then i was like, fuck it!

so was july of 2003. i pissed around the rest of the year, and then 2004, i was like, i'm tired of wasting my young life trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i'm taking a break, and i'm just gonna play. and it was GREAT!!!!!!!

so here i am in 2005, no closer to anything. and the money now is feeling like a desperate situation. i'm just DONE being broke. and i realize i've wasted 12 years of saving and 401 Ks and all that responsible shit. and that if i don't turn it around and make a ton of money fast, i'm fucked. and that i'll have to work for peanuts for the rest of my life. it sucks

oddly enough for the past i donno, i dare say 2 years, the answer to what do i want to do with my life has pretty much been the same as i what i am again discovering.
photography, travel, animals, environment, empowering women, and writing.

i'm realizing now, these are all career interests, but i can't pick ONE. maybe i'm not supposed to.

maybe i could be a photographer and a writer, who travels the world and works with animals
i donno.

but now, i decide i'm gonna go to the jungle. save all my money. laser focused on that. but then, oh wait, here's REAL ESTATE. i think THAT will finally solve my problems. make me lots of money- to catch me up, give me a way to go to the jungle AND come back with something to come back to- a way to support myself well. that was the logic anyway. but again, i didn't even stop to think that i have no people skills. none whatsoever. and that's what it is all about. so i spend maybe 1 week of full effort on it, then half-ass decide i can't do it. so i have $10,000 to raise for this trip, the good old fashion way- working your ass off for peanuts. so i go willy nilly looking for peon part time jobs. as if that wasn't enough, i'm looking into taking on a candy route and marketing a book, scattering my time completely, once again. altho, at LEAST there is a goal i'm working towards- the trip. and all the efforts DO fit in line with that goal, but christ. i'm exhausted

honestly, i can't bear to see myself tell one more person i'm doing one more thing
my logic always seems sound. and i'm great at convincing everyone around me that this is the thing that'll be it.

and the tragic realization as of recently is not only what a quitter i am,
but that what all this pissing around, chasing my tail in circles has cost me.
i have watched the people around me get married, get divorced, go from one bad relationship to a break up, to a great relationship, to having kids, to going back to school, getting new careers. all while i sat in one place. i've outlasted like 4 people at the mirror. i have no boyfriend, no career, no group of friends, no house, no apt; every christmas, i can't afford to go see my parents. same situation year after year after year after year after year after year after year

i can't
please
i can't anymore
i can't

There are days....

When breathing seems like an effort
that, for no particular reason whatsoever, i just feel desperately sad
without hope
completely convinced my life is so beyond fucked up that there is no hope of ever getting it together
not even like i'm stuck in the maze, pointed the wrong way. more like i fell off the board, slipped into a space ship and sent off to mars

like there is no possible way to get from where i am to where i want to be
it's worlds away

i woke up in the middle of the night last week, and i thought to myself, jeez, how FAR away i am from where i want to be
without even a rental apt of my own, not to mention a house
sleeping in a bed with a man i'm not dating
who i can't even stand half the time
who frequently is harsh and nasty to me

i know my childhood was fucked up. but it wasn't THAT fucked up
it wasn't like my parents kept me chained up in a basement

i want to run away
cry
run
run
run
run
somewhere where it's warm
and quiet
and no one is nasty
maybe there isn't anyone
but my cat

tired

blorg

i feel nauseous, lightheaded
in my typical hypocondriac nature, i've convinced myself that i have a brain tumor
lovely
why can't everything just be fine?
it's like a drama vacuum.
when stuff is too quiet, i have to create chaos
ugh

i'm tired of it
tired of running around chasing after my tail in a million directions
completely exhausted from trying to 'figure-my-life-out'
can't do it anymore

tired of the unrelenting emptiness
the black hole that i can never seem to fill

i must quote my all time favorite show here
the one that saved my life as a teenager in the 80s
"nothing fills you up. nothing makes you feel ok"

i'm so half past quit
isn't there a way to just lie in the park and just exist?
or a beach in the bahamas?
maybe i could seek out a deserted island and learn to fish?
i'm tired

One Day i'll Look Back At This and Laugh

just remember,
my mother 'gets' me. BWAHHH HAHAHAHA
belly laugh

Mom wrote:
I talked to Peter Provost (I used to do some work for him at Pirelli -- he is one of the top 3 environmentalists in the world). I told him about your trip to the Amazon. He was a little shocked and said it was dangerous --both in the form of violent crime and also in the form of health risks. He said he was sure glad his 2 girls (just out of college) haven't suggested such a thing. Just so you know, I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Take care.
Love, Mom

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Firefly responded:
Hey mom,
well, maybe you can ask your environmentalist friend to get me job where i can work outside with animals!!! do you forget that you went running all around the world in your young life with dad? to places that weren't necessarily "safe"?? Beirut? Dubai? did your parents tell you that the middle east was no where to be for a 30 yr old w/ 2 kids who's husband is always away traveling??? you had intenstinal parasites and had to take collera shots and lived in 3rd world countries. wouldn't you have regretting passing on all those opportunities to see the world? if all you did was sit at a desk your whole life? i got my strong, independent, competent nature from you! i realize you're just concerned for my safety and i appreciate that. i'm not critizing, just asking you to remember how it is to be young, and not try to discourage me from experiences that will be experiences of a lifetime. i also got a well, grounded, extremely good head on my shoulders from you.
>firefly
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Mom responded:
I've been thinking about your email and you do have a point or two. However, when I was 30 years old I had 2 children, a husband who was never home and when he was home he was doing his own thing. Whenever anything major happened (like the doctor thinking you might be a draft at 9 mos), you dad was on a trip. By the time I was 25 my father had died, what little money was left in my name, I turned over to Helen for the younger kids. I had NO ONE to fall back on but your dad! When Scott was born, we had approximately $500 to our name (a month's worth of expenses) -- didn't own a house, car, etc. I was 30 years old. I knew if things didn't work out, I didn't have any options and nothing to fall back on. It was me and my kids and, dad, of course.

Also, no one got me a job ever (and I couldn't work in the Middle East). Whatever I am today is what I made myself -- and I know you can say the same, except you have had help from Dad financially. When Barbara and I raised pigs, Dad lent us the start up money and we had to pay him back with interest -- he never forgave a dime!

So, here is where I am coming from -- and please don't respond to this in an email as dad can get my emails. I have taken care of you, Scott and Dad for 36 years. I am tired of it! I have to take care of Dad now in so many day to day things and he hates a lot of what I do and wants a wife who stays home and cooks 3 meals and day and lets him eat and drink what he wants. He can't remember what happened 2 hours ago and constantly harps on money. I am sooo very tired of it all. This work with Pirelli has probably saved my sanity. A couple of weeks ago, I worked until 9:45 pm. Your dad was furious when I got home (though I had called and told him) -- he treated me as if I was out partying. I am so feed up!!! I will not worry about you, Tan, because I cannot take on any more worries. I am 60 years old and should be living the life of Riley! Take care. I love you and hope you will be happy always.
Love, Mom
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Firefly responded:
Mom,
thanks for writing back. I appreciated the inside info on your life at my age. you don't often share that. I'm not sure i understood your point tho. i hope you know that i'm not asking for anything here. The jewelry, to my understanding was mine, to do with as i wanted. i didn't or don't plan on asking you guys for any money for my trip. And i'm not asking you to think ahead or worry for me. only to know that you did your job raising me and to trust that i can make my own decisions, even if they are ones you don't necessarily approve of.

All i ever wanted and still want is for you guys to accept me for who i am. I've always felt like you didn't approve of my life, and that's sad to me. We come from 2 wildly different generations, and the world is a very different place then it was when you were my age. I would love for you guys to 'get me', but i understand that may never happen.

on the other hand, you and i are both extremely capable, intelligent, resourceful, independent women, with a good head on our shoulders, who would never wait for a man to do it for us, or take no for an answer. I got this from you, mom! you ran off and left your house to live in manhattan, drug 2 kids around the world, took care of 3 kids in all kinds of foreign countries.... i totally respect you for that. you're strong and independent. why is that hard for you to see in me?

seems like you don't want me to do any of that 'living'. like you're discouraging me for doing stuff very similar to what you did yourself. maybe i just don't understand. what would you have liked to see me do with my life?

parents are an amazing example and source of learning to their children. you both have given me many positive traits. and through your example, i have learned some things i want to do, and some things i don't want to repeat.

I've seen you tolerate a man with a violent temper, so that's something i want to steer away from. i've seen you and dad rub each other the wrong way because you 2 aren't necessarily very compatible. lesson learned. find someone who shares your interests. i've also seen the way you were good with money. i've copied that one. my credit is great, i am a good money manager. same with the strong, independent, resourceful woman who stands up for herself.

you've both taught me to be cautious, conservative, and a bit cynical. that has served me well in the past, but now i believe i need to open up more and take new and different risks to find my own happiness. i've always had this war going on in me between the good little cautious, timid conservative virgo girl who worries and plans out 5 years into the future and the hippy child- the free spirit that wants to roam the world, work with animals, climb trees and go off the beaten path. that's who i really am, and i can't repress it any more, without sacrificing my own health and happiness. and life is too short to be miserable. i saw you and dad spend years dragging yourself to st. louis for a job and hating it. and the sad thing was that dad was always sucking up his misery and saving his money so he could finally be happy in retirement, and now look what's happened- he's losing his mind and isn't happy now either. he slaved away, hating his life, so that someday he'd be happy, and his someday never came. i don't want to do that. if it takes me longer to find what makes me happy, then so be it, but
i'm not gonna settle for a life of unhappiness.

what i want is off the beaten path, and so i have to search harder to find it. but i will. i know the jungle is not where you want me to be, but i have to go where i find happinesss. you've given me everything i need. and now you have to let me find my own place in the world, even if it is not what you would like to see me do.

hope this makes some kind of sense at all to you.

I'm sorry that you have stress now. and that you are having to take care of dad when you should be living carefree. i'm not asking to add to your pile of obligations. quite the opposite. i wish there was something i could do. all i can say is do the best to find your own peace and happiness. we may be wildly different- in fact, i joke that you couldn't find 4 more dissimilar people if you toured the globe randomly , but i'd like to think there is some common ground we can relate on.

take care,
love,
firefly
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Mom wrote:
I think I've "gotten" you a lot longer than you have. You were born bohemian and that's fine. I think you didn't accept yourself because you were so different from me and Dad (and Scott). (I DO see where we are alike in a lot of ways.) We didn't want a clone, regardless of what you may think. What we did want was a good education and potential career for you -- maybe that was a mistake too; but one I'd do again.

(I think California suits you well!) What has always worried me is that you live from day-to-day with nothing to fall back on should you lose your job or be unable to work. You don't have a "career" or a field in which you will very likely be able to find work. These things may not be important, but one has to eat and have shelter. Regardless of thecarefree life I had from age 20 - 23 in NY, I always said if I turned 30 and was not married nor had a good job, I was going to seek a career (not just a job). So that's where I am coming from.

As far as doing what you want to do, I have never told you "don't move to California," "don't go to the Appalachian mountains," Don't ...whatever. You were always free to do what you wanted -- but you had to do it yourself. However, the Amazon and SA are violently dangerous as far as crimes as well as full of unknown and untreatable diseases. I think anyone who loved someone would try to talk them out of that project. But I do realize you are 34 and can do what you want. So, far be it from me to impede your desires.

I am not angry. I am concerned. Just let me know when and where you are going. Your dad has a HS reunion 6/30 - 7/3 in Staunton. He wants to drive. I said no so he is thinking about driving by himself in the truck! And I don't care. I have to get some work done. I think I will be at this job part time for quite a while yet.

Take care. I love you and will not worry (you know the saying "out of sight, out of mind" -- it worked with you guys in college!). Love, Mom

Shining Moments

There are a few bright shining, glorious moments in my life to which i am proud to lay claim-moments where i felt like i was actually big enough to fill my own shoes; where my effforts actually mattered or made a difference or where i was recognized for being exceptional! where i was living the life i was intended to lead......

BEST THINGS I'VE EVER DONE
1. Went up to humboldt county, ca & climbed a 100 ft redwood tree
2. Landmark Education
3. Laser hair removal
4. Snuck out of my best friend's house senior yr of high school to go make out w/ my boyfriend on lake michigan


MOMENTS WORTH LIVING FOR (in no particular order)
- saving a squirrel who had fallen out of a tree
- getting my scathing anti animal cruelty article published in the Catalina paper and then having people come up to me all week telling me how inspiring it was
- lobbying the state asssembly for the heritage tree preservation act
- meeting Julia Butterflly
- moving up 7 chairs at Interlochen
- 5th chair all state honors band, senior year in high school. i was the 5th ranked flutist in the state!
- making the u of i marching illini
- saving an orphaned kitten
- writing the winning mlk essay for a $500 scholarship
- getting all As in design school
- having my work showcased in the smc academy showcase
- interlochen- being one of the rest of us
- not missing a single spelling word all year in 7th and 8th grades
- having my article on my activist lobby day read to my 75 selp classmates
- my 1st kiss
- my birthday beach party on catalina
- my birthday beach party on dockweiler
- valentine's day sr yr of HS; my boyfriend sent his class ring tied up in the bow of a teddy bear
- praire burning w/ tom
- IMEA- 4 Scottish Dances- floating on the ceiling ; playing in a fantastic band
- Sitting around at the farm singing bob dylan songs to acoustic guitar with the hippies
- Albuquerque balloon festival

Happy List

my happy list

candelight * MASH * animals * hot showers * sunspots * kitty purr * girlfriends * flannel sheets * spoons * aromatherapy massages by candelight * sunsets * happy bold colors * ice skating * photography * travel * spring in the south * bugs bunny * dill pickles so sour they pucker your face * thunderstorms * hugs * fall colors in the mountains * Chimney Rock * cold pepsi bubbles on the back of your throat on a hot day * Christmas * the quiet at the bottom of a pool * screaming into the wind on a jetski * graphics * getting all As * good movies * jet skiing * swimming * SARK * inspirational posters/quotes * oprah * painting pottery * capoeira * hippie clothes * city skylines * drum circles * moonlight walks * stargazing * making out in nature * chocolate * broad quotes * soft beds * blue sky * sunny days * snow capped mountains * warm summer nights * tanned toes * monster’s funny words * flowering trees * kitty donuts * aria on my chest * the smell of a spa * sidewalk chalk * adventure * interlochen * blowing bubbles into a ceiling fan * glow in the dark stars * purple * fushcia * fishy sheets * my happy dresser * pictionary * board game nights * toys * someone cooking for me * sex * camping * twitterpation* nin on a really hideous day * watching the flinstones when everyone else is working * being outside during the day * inspiration * rafting * giggling with girlfriends * hippie gatherings/singing bob Dylan songs to acoustic guitar * getting my articles published * the rainforest * kayaking * crafts * Jacuzzis * MI * N. Michigan

Thank god for Monster

i can usually measure the happiness of my life by the number of quotes

here are 2 new ones today :)

" i feel so emloyably undesirable"
" my brain is like a greyhound bustation lately"

yay

The Master List

Firefly's Life Goals!

Animals/Environment
1. Work with animals
2. Swim with dolphins in the wild
3. Sea world trainer for a day
4. Conservation work in the amazon
5. Crusade on behalf of animals, the rainforest, and the entertainment
6. Work/Volunteer with a global conservation organization
7 Volunteer at Ambu Aire in Bolivia
8. Visit Julia's orang sancctuary in borneo/bottle feed orangs
9. Attend spanish school in central or south america
10. Become fluent in spanish

Photography
11. Landscape photography
12. Apprentice with a great photographer
13. Attend the rocky mountain school of photography in montana
14. Photograph animals in the wild
15. Travel every inch of the world and take pictures

Nature/Spirit/Healing
16. Live on a commune/eco farm
17. Live off the grid
18. Stay in a native indian community/learn philosophies, observe rituals and customs
19. Spend time at heartwood institute
20. Study healing with native shamans
21. Go to burningman
22. Go to Gayle's retreat

Cool Things to Do
23. Make a mosaic table
24. See the apple fall in times square on new year's eve
25. Watch the pipe surfing competition in hawaii
26. Meet sark
27. Sit down and talk with oprah
28. Spend a summer working at a national park
29. Be a river guide
30 Tour around the US in an RV with monster
31. Snorkel in tropical waters
32. Work on a movie
33. Play on a movie soundtrack or in the pit
34. Act
35. Learn the cello

Purpose
36. To do something with my life that benefits the planet, animals, and people
37. Be a voice for the animals and the planet
38. To be someone's hero
39. Empower women
40. Publish my magazine
41. Write and publish a book
42. Volunteer in the community
43. Teach simplicity, sustainability
44. Feel useful and needed

Adventure/Fun
45. Hanglide
46. Kayak regularly
47. Jetski
48. Hike often
49. Climb rock walls
50. Go karting
51. Water parks
52. White water rafting
53. Camping

Lifestyle
54. Learn ballet & tap
55. Take skating and capoeira regularly
56. Take salsa lessons
57. Do yoga & meditation
58. Be surrounded in color
59. Regular drum circles
60. Craft nights
61. Goddess energy
62. Singing/playing acoustic guitar w/ hippie types
63. Take moonlight walks frequently
64. Girl group
65. Stargazing
66. Be outside more than in
67. Live like SARK
68. Have a play room
69. See mountains, pine trees everyday, daily time/view of nature
70. Live simply without clutter
71. Surround myself with kidlike things
72. To go out often with friends, lots of social activities
73. Lots of playtime, fun and laughter
74. Have a play room
75. Spend my time doing things I believe in and enjoy
76. Get accupuncture reglularly
77. Eat healthy, very little sugar
78. Keep my weight at 115
79. Be strong, toned, in shape and skinny w/ a flat stomach
80. Stay active
81. Have mentors, spiritual teachers and coaches
82. Feel and look sexy
83. Surround myself with essential oils, holistic healing

Love
84. Be married to a man I love passionately, who feeds my soul, adores and respects me
85. Make love passionately, under the stars
86. Tight knit group of friends
87. Lots of hippie friends like Prana, Brit, Alllison Payne, Kristin, Leslie
88. Amazing guy friends
89. Feel loved and accepted
90. Have girlfriends and girl nights
91. Lots of cuddling
92. Make a wonderful happy home and community w/ my husband in a great small city i love
93. Be surrounded by intuitive, earthy inspirational women
94. Have really cool, artsy people in my life
95. Feel connected

Travel
96. Visit the Amazon rainforest
97. Ecuador, brazil, buenos aires, santiago, peru, bolivia
98. European tour
99. Disney world
100. Visit all the carribbean islands
101. Boston
102. New England in the fall
103. Chimney rock in the fall
104. Australia and New Zealand
105. Take the train from la to victoria
106. Seattle and Portland
107. Stay at club med
108. See all the state parks
109. African photo safari
110. Rent a cabin in alaska
111. Fly over hawaii in a helicopter
112. Trapse around the world with a camera and a backpack
113. Spend a week at canyon ranch spa
114. Visit hot springs
115. Spend a month on the galapagos

Money
116. Stay st the ritziest hotels and get totally pampered
117. Spend a weekend at the Penninsula
118. Buy a medium format camera and a nikon 35mm
119. Get all the dental work i need
120. Teeth whitening
121. Eat out whenever i want
122. Have a chef
123. Never have to work a job for anyone else ever again
124. Buy an energy muse necklace
125. Laser hair removal as often as i need it
126. Nose job, chin implant, cheeek implants
127. A couple hundred dollars to spend thoughtlessly on things i want
128. At least $100,000 / year income in a flexible schedule with no office or computer
129. Buy a house in Taos and Lake Tahoe
130. A cathedral spa/jacuzzi bathtub
131. Paint pottery
132. At least $75,000 in PASSIVE income
133. Have at least 6 months savings
134. Multiple steams of income
135. Massages, facials, body scrubs twice a month
136. Weekly coaching, mentoring, visualization and chakra work

Career Interests

1. Photography
nature/wildlife, own my own gallery

2. Work with Animals
zoology, working at a sanctuary, dolphins, activist (like Julia), researcher (like jane goddall), dogwalker

3. Environmental
activist, speaker, work for an enviro organization, rainforest protection/conservation, teach sustainability

4. Travel
river guide, lead eco tours, travel channel person

5. Empower Women
Wild Woman, life coaching, mentor, lead seminars/speak, retreats

6. Writer
publish books, write columns

7. Healing

Labotomy Please

i need help
i need someone to tell me what choices to make on an hourly basis
really
pitiful

it's like a fucking episode of groundhog day
i keep getting up and doing the same thing day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day
i can't stop

i see myself doing it now
i didn't before

which makes it all the worse

god HELP me, i'm doing it again

i decide i want to go to the jungle more than anything
i move my stuff into storage,
move in w/ the ex for free rent so i can save $
oh but wait, here's real estate investing,
the logic here is that you can make a yearly salary on a part time basis
that would allow me to go to the jungle AND afford it AND have a basis to make money when i get back
so i throw myself into that, not even noticing that i haven't the faintest interest in real estate
now that i get into that a little, i realize that it is all people skills, of which i have NONE
it's negotiating, relationships, interfacing with strangers, meeting new people, all of which are the things i do the worst at
so then instead of even trying at that, i go willy nilly all over the place, interviewing for peon part time jobs, and scatter myself further all in the name of making this $ for the trip
so i abandon my latest project again
what the fuck is UP with me
and meanwhile, what i REALLY want to do- photography, travel, work with animals, write,
we've neglected and totally abandoned that AGAIN
STILL

jesus, just shoot me now
how 'bout a labotomy!

Clarity of Mud

I don't know if it was my mother recently washing her hands of me due to my complete lack of 'success' or direction in my life that started me to thinking, but seems like lately i am seeing my life for the first time, like an observer.

And sad to say it makes me sick. Oh please, please, can't we rewind back to 1992, where I was fresh out of college? I promise, i'll do it right this time. god, just give me those 12 years back. jesus, i cring to even think it's been 12 years. TWELVE YEARS. i have wasted 12 years of my life. that hurts. those were supposed to be the best times of my life. whatever. that's a mind-fuck bus waiting to happen if i go down that road.

and i'd love to say i've finally got it figured out. truth is, i'm still meandering around like a lost little puppy. sad story of a 34 year old who still doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up.
i know it's useless, but i'd still like to blame my mother for that.

she threatened my life everyday of my childhood. 'you'll never live to be 12 years old. that mouth is gonna be the death of you'. everyday she'd say that. so truth is, i never ever ever saw myself as an adult. didn't ever have a vision of myself as a functioning, much-less contributing adult. never saw myself as responsible or taking care of myself. didn't think i'd make it past 20, truth be told.

by as real as all that may be, a hell of a lot of good it does me now. this is the mess of a life i have. and i can bitch about it, or start to turn it around.

all i can say is that i see my patterns with a little more clarity now. i see that i keep running off after the latest thing. i can admit that i am hopelessly lazy. that i have a huge aversion to responsibility and a major need to be taken care of.
so every get rich scheme, or promise of money without much effort has always lured me off. i realize i never stuck with anything, but then again, i never knew found anything i really liked.
altho i am kicking myself a little now for giving up on design. there was the opportunity to get a direction to my life. i started down the road, and then, usual fashion, gave it up. but i really do like design. so why?

i donno.
someone please fix this mess.

Circular Motion

"Just remember that the dreamers have been the forerunners of all human progress"
so says Napoleon Hill

oh thank god.
maybe i'm ahead of the game, instead of hopelessly behind, as i see it

i mean, i've got that one down- the dreamer part. my problem is i can't pick one; i just go bouncing from one shiny glittery prize to the next

I'm trying to stay laser focused on my goal of getting to the Amazon. i have to. i'm sick inside that i was so close. i got right to the brink of it, upheaveled my whole life, gave up my home of 5 years and put my stuff in storage, all of which took a monumental move of courage- all to renig on it, to postpone it. i'd wring my own neck if i could.

so it has to happen. i may have stalled a year, but that's it. june 2006, i don't care if i have to walk there because i only have a penny to my name, i'm going.

but being submerged in the real world is not like a cute little bubble.
all these distractions and diversions keep popping up. and it's in my nature to run off, chasing each one.
so i feel like tom cruise in top gun, trying to keep my eye on the prize. "i'm not leaving my wing man. i'm not leaving my wing man."

and it's so so hard in this environment. yeah, i know, i can't ask for sympathy here. it was an offer of free rent, and i took it. i swear to god, because i wanted to save money for the trip. and maybe, admittedly, because i was damn tired of taking care of myself, of fighting the avalanche of junk mail and the investation of mold, etc. etc.

anyway, my brain is tired.
i do so envy those people who go to work, enjoy their job, put their full energy and focus into it, and then they come home. and they play. relax. enjoy their spouse or their kids. i can't imagine what that's like. one single solitary lighthearded moment, without the full weight of the world on my shoulders or without some life changing decision to be faced..... where everything is ok. where it's good to be me. god, what would that be like? am i just incapable of such things, like my mother told me?

every spare minute of my life, including those at work has been consumed with what to do with my life. what is my calling? where do i get money? what extra job or class or entreprenuerial idea to chase after next just so i can pay the rent and have some hope that my life won't always be so scarce.

Declaration to the Universe

Enough of this hamster wheel. Enough denying myself of who i am and what i was meant to do with my life.

Enough wasting my life away in a cube, chained to a desk while the world goes by, watching from my window like someone locked away in a glass globe. I simply CANNOT physically, emotionally or mentally sit in front of one more human being and pretend to be interested in something i'm not. No more chasing money and whoring my soul away in the process. No more trying to 'sell' myself or convince someone that to hire me for a job i don't even want. ENOUGH

I AM A PHOTOGRAPHER AND A WRITER
and i WILL
WORK WITH ANIMALS AND TRAVEL THE WORLD

Why? because i said so. I'm declaring it.
According to all the gurus, the universe conspires to bring that which you declare, so there it is.

oh and by the way?

I AM GOING TO VOLUNTEER FOR SEVERAL MONTHS IN THE SOUTH AMERICAN RAINFOREST BY JUNE OF 2006

i don't care what obstacles pop up; i don't care if my parents stand at my doorstep and read to me 24 hours a day from their litany of amazon horror stories. Failure is not an option. NOTHING and no one is going to get in my way. anyone who discourages me from it will fall away. i will just store them on the other side of the police tape- file them away nicely into the jeering section. and the more the merrier, because, really, telling me i CAN'T do something has always been more of a motivator for me. so bring it on!

i'm tired of living a shell of a life, terrorized by the fear of my own shadow. this is not my life.

I need a fan club and a support group. Anyone else willing to go down this road with me? To make this the year that we finally follow our passion and live true to ourselves?

Sell drama somewhere else, we're all stocked up here

Another 'crisis' at work today. i started to go down the old familiar road. the 'they-wronged-me-i-need-to-get-upset-and-defend-myself' mode. and then i realized, i really don't give a shit. REALLY. i don't care that this pitiful lady sits awake at night thinking up ways to make me look bad. i really don't care that she gossips about me incessantly to everyone who will listen. i mean, isn't it quite pitiful? this job is her whole world. well, it's not mine. in the grand scheme of things, who the hell cares if i learn how to do a quickbooks bank reconciliation or not? 5 years from now is it really gonna matter?
so i said my peace. and then i realized i don't need to convince them i was in the right. i know i was. i don't their approval, or that of a closed-minded abusive ex-boyfriend/roommate either. the only one i have to live with is myself, and in this case, i'm fine with that.

Ani, my sweet hope

We all find courage in different places. Who knew that I would find mine in a Redwood Tree named Anastasia? You see, that tree taught me more about courage than I think I will ever find out there in the world. Dangling from a rope the size of a quarter, 100 feet in the air, you start to get some perspective.

I’d gone to Humboldt county to follow in the footsteps of my hero, Julia Butterly. Her story touched me, inspired me, stirred up every molecule of my being that was wasting away in an office everyday. She believed so strongly in protecting these trees that she put her own body in harm’s way and gave up her life to take up residence in a tree for 2 years. What nobler a cause could there be?

At any rate, what began as a story of a wacky environmentalist some years ago became a recurring whisper in my ear. When it escalated to a constant roar in my head, I had to go see what all the fuss was about. After all, I’d never even seen these trees, these ancient giants.

Tree sitters, or forest defenders, if you will, get a bad rap. They are labeled escapists- misfits of society who can’t get along in the world. Some believe they are too lazy or weak to be successful so they rabble rouse or rebel. What an unfortunate stereotype. The folks I encountered had to be the most hospitable, bravest, wisest, most amazing people I’ve ever met. It takes a kind of fortitude that most can only imagine to live high up in a tree. As if the loneliness, isolation and the elements of the harsh Northern Pacific aren’t enough to contend with, there are the threats and harassment of loggers, and the very real danger of bodily harm. How many people do we run into everyday who believe so strongly in their convictions that they are willing to put their own life on the line? If everyone’s actions matched so truly their words, we would live in a beautifully different world.

But I was talking about courage here and the lesson I learned from a very special tree. Anastasia sits on stretch of land, owned by Pacific Lumber. Standing for hundreds of years, this tree has withstood winds, rains, storms, and all kinds of climate changes through the years without faltering. What a mighty symbol of strength- an ancient tree, who has lived longer than most of us on the planet. And yet, in the hands of a greedy unethical company, this tree, so mighty and strong, is slated to fall. Like her surrounding counterparts, she is a vital part of the very fragile forest ecosystem, a habitat for hundreds of wildlife, and a provider of oxygen for our planet; yet she desperately needs the protection of the brave few who show up in her defense.

I didn’t know what was calling me away from my los angeles desk job, but I came up to immerse myself in this life and death battle that was going on hundreds of miles away, high up in the redwoods. And so it was that I came to stay with some tree sitters. I hiked through the gorgeous intact forest, breathed in the sweet smell of the trees, and felt the soft, untouched forest floor beneath my feet. Watching the tree sitters scramble up and down the hundred foot trees with a childlike glee and fearlessness, traverse between ropes dangling high up in the air, and operating heavy duty climbing gear like one would tie a shoe, all with bare feet and a carefree attitude, I was amazed at their fearlessness- the absolute simplicity and boundlessness with which they lived their lives! I had to climb a tree. Having no climbing experience and only a few impromtu lesions, I stood at the base of Anastasia, my heart pounding, terrified out of my mind. I can never thank Prana enough, the gracious soul who, knowing I was about to leave town without having climbed a tree, insisted to me that day, ‘let’s go climb a tree’. She sat patiently watching me pull my usual ‘I can’t do this.’ routine. And I wanted to quit, to come back down; what I’ve always done when the going gets rough. But every time I said, ‘ I can’t’, she said, ‘yes you can’. And then she said the most profound thing to me that I think anyone has ever said to me. She said, “you’re conquering your fear.” I said, “No I’m not! I’m scared to death. I’m just doing it anyway”. And do you know what she said? “Same thing”. And in that moment, I learned what courage, real courage, is.
I understood what Mark Twain meant, when he said, ‘courage is not the absence of fear, just the resistance to it’

You see, someone could’ve told me that. And in fact, I’d read that quote many times before without it hitting home. I had to experience it to understand it. I had to be dangling from a tiny little rope, striving for a platform 100 ft in the air, so high up that I couldn’t even see the origin of the rope that was supporting my body weight or the platform which was my target through all the branches. All I know is that each step up brought a whole new realm of terror. My body trembled, my breaths grew deep and quickly, thoughts raced through my mind, and I was paralyzed with fear. My mind was screaming at me- ‘what are you doing? Do you realize your life is dangling from a tiny little rope? Are you insane?’
After every step or 2, I would lie back in my harness and lean against Anastasia to rest from exhaustion, to gear up the courage for another step up, or cry in fear. At some point, I got high enough up that it was just as scary to turn around and climb down. And so it was-one step at a time. I didn’t think too far ahead. I only thought about the next step. I concentrated on this symbol of courage, this magnificent tree in front of me and wrapped my arms around her branches at every opportunity. As I said before, each step up brought a new realization in terror, that I was high enough that a mishap could be disastrous. Yet at the same time, each step up catapulted me into an even better, more amazing view of the forest. (what a great analogy for life). So although I was terrified out of my mind, I was also captivated and exhilarated beyond my wildest imagination. Combine that with the adrenaline and every fiber of your being working to it’s utmost capacity, and you’ve got one wild rush! By the time I reached the platform, I was shaking as much as the wobbly platform underneath me, but the view was spectacular! Now, if you questioned me then, I would not have used the word fun to describe the experience, but when I got back down on the ground, I was on a high like I can’t even describe for days! My legs shook for hours. And I know now, that experience was the highlight of my life. I went beyond what I thought I could ever do, what I thought possible. I transcended fear on the biggest scale. I learned the greatest lesson of courage from the wisdom of Prana, and from the example of that brave, mighty tree, named Anastasia. And for that, they will always hold a dearest place in my heart. Thank you, thank you. A million times, thank you.
Be brave in all you do. Look for lessons everywhere you go. And stand for what is right with all your body and all your soul.